I Talk to Max About Rainouts and Cocaine Picnics

Dear Max Mennemeier [Ticket Sales Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Operation Sunshine had a bumpy start as the Emeralds’ home opener was rained out because Mother Nature is angry. I hope The Cooler had an ample supply of bourbon tonight to ensure the Ems’ front office could heal after the washout. Remember, all bandages are not cloth.

The weather was rather frightful down here in Southern California also. I had plans to attend the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes’ home opener, but the chill and the fierce wind originating from the Nordic regions convinced me to stay home to utilize MiLB.tv. Normally weather does not stop a veteran MiLB fan for going to a game but:

  1. I really do not like the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes.
  2. There was a small craft advisory in effect, and those are no joke.

I am sure you are saying, “Bads85, Rancho Cucamonga is landlocked! The only waterways there are some some old orange grove irrigation ditches and Deer Canyon Wash. Etiwanda Creek has a concrete bottom! Why would there be a small craft advisory in Rancho?”

I do not have an answer for that, but I trust meteorologists without hesitation. Capsized boats are something I avoid, especially on major interstates. Sometimes common sense is the best life jacket as we sail through this life. 

Your organization was kind enough to send me its rainout policy one hour after the game was postponed. Do patrons ever tell you that your policy is draconian, especially that picnic thing? Perhaps we should have a meeting with Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] to discuss some possible changes now that Operation Sunshine has commenced. No one likes to have a picnic in a steady drizzle. Eating fried chicken in the rain is a recipe for pneumonia, plus the rain makes the potato salad soggy. Perhaps we can create a picnic makeup day with food trucks and rivers of booze. A game does not even have to be played. Sluggo can wear something risqué.

I have some questions about the Emeralds’ promotion schedule. For instance, this “80’s in Aspen Night” coming up on April 13th. You do know that 80’s in Aspen is synonymous for rampant cocaine use, right? The town was names Toot City back then. Do not let all the neon and big hair fool you — it was not a time of innocence. If the Ems’ are going to step away from family entertainment to embrace this hedonism, well, I am getting a Squatch tattoo tomorrow.

Will the Emeralds’ still have a Beer Batter promotion this year? Your boss and my dear friend Allan has not answered that question, which is stoking the rumor fire, especially since Thirsty Thursday is now Triple Thursday. Has the good Governor of Oregon cracked down on drink specials? If so, do not the Ems still embrace the outlaw spirit that is the cornerstone a FREE AMERICA? Fortunately, I am confident that I purchased the winning Powerball ticket tonight, which means I will own the Ems soon, and you will get a very healthy raise while Allan will be assigned additional duties.

Talk to you soon. I have to talk to my assistant, Sneaky Boom, about his new MiLB attendance tracker.

Your friend in baseball,


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