Dead Religions

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Did you know your organization probably has the best game reports in all of minor leagues? Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene emeralds] is apparently is more than just a pretty face and a knowledgeable voice. This is a valuable asset that needs to be marketed to help enhance the Emeralds’ national brand. Let’s face it; MiLB team websites are not exactly high traffic areas so we need to get the word out. Here is how:

I just created an internet award: Best MiLB Game Recaps. Winner: Alex Stimson; Eugene Emeralds. Now your organization can promote your game recaps as “written by the award winning Alex Stimson…” In fact you can take it a step further by pushing the story that the Emeralds are trying to create a website with the best collection of minor league writing in all the land, which is why the Ems brought aboard the renown baseball humorist, Bads85. Drop a line to your buddy Ben Hill, and tell him if he is well behaved he can come to PK Park this season to write some articles that will be included on the the Ems’ website so he can feel he is part of the team. Tell him we do not not publish fluff pieces though. 

Hey, I could not help but notice that the Emeralds have not released their 2021 promotion schedule yet. I know that Governor Kate still has Lane County on double secret probation, but I think it would behoove your organization to lift the the media blackout just a bit. People like to plan in advance, and Babbling Bob in Middle Management is going to start making vacation plans. He might book that Disneyland trip the week of July 10th any day now, but if he knew there were a Barry Bonds Bobblehead giveaway that weekend, he might push that vacation back to the next week when the Ems are back in Spokane. Disney does not give refunds, so Bob will be going to Anaheim if he books that trip. Yes, I know it is very presumptuous of me to make this sort of suggestion, but a wise man once told me, “You can always push a promotion back because baseball is a simple game. You throw the ball. You catch the ball. You hit the ball. You catch the ball. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes it rains.”

Speaking of promotions, I thought of another good one: Chipping at Sluggo. Get a local golf store as a sponsor, say Fiddler on the Green. Lucky Emeralds’ fans get three chip shot to hit Sluggo. Make sure you use plastic ball though in case one of the participants has the shanks. You would not want Chis Bowers [Director of Corporate Sales] taking a shot just below the waist from an errant Top-Flite. I figured since the front office has not fully embraced the money making idea of killing off a beloved mascot since sentiment trumps profit up there, we can at least put Sluggo to good use. Also, Sluggo needs a Dodgers’ tattoo. I bet the Governor would immediately lift the lockdown if that happened because the baseball gods would approve.

I have been looking at video of the Squatch costume, and I have to be brutally honest. He kind of looks like an albino Squatch that was kicked off the set of Harry and the Hendersons because of a cocaine problem. Now this is not necessarily a bad thing, but this Squatch does not look very virile. A proper looking mascot would inspire couples to go home and make Li’l Squatches, but I am not sure Albino Harry does that. The Squatch on the hats though, that guy could drive nails with … hey, look that the time. I think I have some meetings tomorrow. Better go for now.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I regret to inform you I will not be be traveling to Eugene next week for the opening series. Governor Kate Brown’s “Extreme Risk” restrictions leave too much doubt for me to comfortably travel to your fair city. It is as if she does not know my middle name is “Danger” as in “Danger is My Business”, but this is not the first time government bureaucracy has made me alter travel plans. Fortunately, I am a person who can adapt on the fly. I know the front office will probably be devastated, but encourage them to be strong as I will be there soon.

I was a little surprised there wasn’t not much movement on the Reality TV show front for the Emeralds’s this week. Perhaps there was, and I was just not informed of the progress because the IT department has failed to activate my official Emeralds’ email address. I did see what looked to be an intern in a dinosaur costume on social media this week which certainly warmed the cockles of my heart. Maybe that dinosaur should camp out on Governor Brown’s lawn to bring awareness to the plight of an MiLB team that cannot even sell tickets for home games yet.

Tonight will be my third game of the season at San Manuel Stadium. Opening Night had a good crowd, but the first Thirsty Thursday was a pretty much a bust. The 66ers, being a proactive organization instead of a reactive organization, made a move to address this by hiring my son, Little Bads, as their between innings promotions’ assistant. Yes, the 66ers are still doing between inning promotions via the video screen. The 66ers have ample room to do this just beyond the world famous The Garage, one the most vibrant stadium bars in all of MiLB. 

Mrs. Bads shed a tear or two when Little Bads accepted the position because she knows he is fully committed to the life of the outlaw now, donning a mustard costume and launching hot dogs into the crowd. I am sure he will look good in his official 66ers’ work polo, just as I will when I get my official Emerald’s work polo (and my cool business cards). He will probably receive his before I receive mine, which will give Joe Hudson [General Manager] much mirth. I have only been able to briefly talk to GM Joe over the past two games because of my responsibilities as Thirsty Thursday Ambassador. He has probably been sitting in his office playing solitaire on his computer. Lord knows he did not order any Fireball for The Garage.

I did listen to part of the Ems’ broadcast last night — the good part, when they came back to win. As you probably have figured out by now, the good parts always seem to find me. I think a really good subplot of the the reality show should be Alex Stimson [Media Relations] on the road together, playing courses in the vicinity of High A West stadiums. I am sure these courses will pay us a hefty sponsorship fee to be on our show. 

Speaking of sponsorships, the 66ers lost a big one, and word on the street is that a mascot met his demise because of it. This seems to a tawdry tale of grease monkeys gone bad, rejection, bitter mistresses, low riders, dope in tire wells, and trains. You know, any day that end in “Y” in The Dino. I do not have al the details yet, but the empty signage in right center field speaks volumes. 

Rumor has it there is a promotion meeting coming soon. Ever heard of Cookie or Pie? It is a twist of Cake and Pie, and a cream pie almost always ends up in someone’s face to the delight of the crowd. How about Fire in the Hole? Bill and Melinda Splits? Yo’ Momma Don’t Dance? Yo’ Daddy is a Rockhead? 

We can discuss Monday.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:
Over the course of this full season, you will certainly come across lulls during your broadcasts. Feel free to read excerpts from my missives over the air to not only keep views attentive, but to inform them of important happenings throughout minor league baseball, including updates on the Eugene Emeralds’ reality tv show, which seems to have stalled this week. I thought Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] would be having budget and content meetings by now. We know he is not expending much effort to get us tee times at Eugene Country Club.

Your little golf trip to Idaho this week inspired me to think of another revenue generating idea for the Emeralds outside of PK Park. Golf packages for Ems’ fans that follow the team on the road. Fans load into coach buses, and join the team’s convoy to not only see exciting Ems’ action and ballpark promotions in different cities, but they spend the day playing the finest courses High A West cities, except in the Tri-Cities, which is where golf goes to die. Sure, the logistics of the need to be more clearly defined, and we have more pressing needs right now, but down the road…

Did you know I am the president of the Southern California Carolina League Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter? We have been kind of underground in this NEW AGE of MiLB, but while we would never abandon the once proud Carolina League, I passed a motion that we are now the Southern California Eugene Emeralds Backers, Screaming Banshee Chapter. This means much more exposure for the Ems as our charismatic selves will promote the Ems’ brand nationwide. We are anxiously awaiting new merchandise from the Ems, especially golf shirts. We would even be willing to design some Ems’ golf attire because we are givers.

Thank you for the shout out on the Ems’ radio broadcast last night. I too cannot wait for you to introduce me to the what will soon be a rabid, full season fan base. I would propose we do that sooner than later, and since you are in charge of all thing media, you have the power to make this happen, say in the form of a pre-game interview at the clubhouse of Eugene CC. Unfortunately, because of Governor Kate Brown, my travel plans to Eugene are still in the air. However, I am pretty damn phenomenal on Zoom calls if I do say so myself.

I plan on listening to your broadcast from San Manuel Stadium tonight, so it will be sort of like you have a co-pilot in the booth. Of course, we are having out first 50 Cent Friday Fireup before the game tonight, so things might get loose before your broadcast begins. Maybe we can start a “Bads85 Report From Around The Minors” in which I give you live updates during your broadcasts about the glory and carnage in the stadiums I am visiting. For example, when Bacon Hag, a staple of Sec [Redacted] at San Manuel Stadium, throws her cell phone at the netting because she spilled her beer in her nachos again, I could share it with you, and you could pass it along to your listeners. Or when Fast Eddie, wearing a WWI leather fighter pilot helmet, completes a human strafing run on a church group during Faith and Family Night, I pass it along to you, and your audience eats it up.

You might be asking, “Bads85, why would Ems’ fans care about bad fan behavior in other stadia?” Well, Allan, the answer is simple. To understand Bacon Hag is to understand MiLB. Same with Bongwater. Same with Ballhawk. Same with Shackles. Same with Whiskey Jack. Every full season park in the land has regulars like this (well, maybe not Bongwater — he is unique). By sharing characters from the road, not only I will l be helping the Ems’ fan base cultivate their own characters, but I am quite confident will expand your listening audience, not only helping the reality show, but making you a star of the reality show — or at least a recognizable face.

I know you have been on the road this week, but I sure hope the front office staff has been practicing their facial expressions in your absence. And letting loose with their PRIMAL SCREAMS.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85
PS: I bet they do not scream in Spokane.

Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

I see you are in Eastern Washington on the eve of the Emeralds’ road opener, probably locked in a motel room so you are not mugged by roving brigands wandering the mean street of Spokane. Spokane crime statistics might not scream HIGH CRIME, but we know statistics can lie.  It is nice that Emeralds have the luxury of having a consummate professional from their front office on the road. Most organizations’ media relation dudes hit the road town drinking Wild Turkey straight from the bottle. Perhaps you might be too — your secret is safe with me because I know when the gates open at Avista Stadium tomorrow, you will be there unless the bus driver took a wrong turn, and inadvertently drove you into a shoot out between criminal elements. 

One of the media relation guy’s secondary responsibilities is to be the eyes and ears of the organization. We need to see what other organizations are doing, both right and wrong. If something looks good, we employ it at PK Park and accuse them of stealing it from. Whatever they do wrong, we heartily laugh at on social media, especially if the Emeralds lose. You are are boots on the ground, Alex, deep in the land of the opposition. In fact, you just earned your Full Season nickname: Boots. You are the first Ems’ front office staff to do so. If you do not care for “Boots”, perhaps we could go with “Moccasins” or “Cleats”.

So Boots, there are certain imperative data points that you must collect at every stadium:

1. Beer prices on any given night, especially Thursday Thursday. Cheap beer is what drives the minor leagues. If the meth heads of Spokane Valley are paying less than the good folk of Eugene, well, that is wrong. Size of these cheap beers is import also.
2. Beer selection. Inexpensive swill makes the world go around, but fans should have choices. Pabst Blue Ribbon is a plus.
3. Does the stadium have a full bar with an ample liquor selection? Do they serve shots of Fireball?
4. Does the stadium serve soft serve ice cream in little helmets? If they do not, beware! Your soul is in danger. 
5. Hot dog prices. And is there a bacon option for these hot dogs? Are there ample condiment stands? Is anyone trying to snort relish up their nose with a straw? The freaks congregate at the condiment stand. No one knows why for sure; it just happens.
6. Is there a community bar in the park? Not a beer stand  — a real bar where people meet, socialize, and tell stories of the road.
7. What is the ratio of beautiful people to ugly people?
8. Is security armed? How confident would you be sneaking in without a ticket?
9. How long are the concession lines?
10. What special food items are offered?

Now that the Emeralds are a Full Season organization, it is also important for the media guy to help fuel a rivalry between the fans. A good way to do that is to put good natured barbs into your broadcast about the opposition while promoting the Ems.. For instance, you could casually say, “You know, the Spokane Indians do not even play in the nicest baseball stadium in the greater Spokane area. Gonzaga University has that honor, but their team has COVID, so nobody is playing there currently. This stadium was built in less than four months in 1958 ,and it shows. Thankfully, the Emeralds will not have to worry about that when they play in their new stadium in a couple of years.”

It is always a good idea to compliment the mayor of the city during your broadcast since you never know when you might run afoul of the law, and Allan Benavides {General Manager; Eugene Emeralds} is sleeping the sleep of the dead. Maybe you create some running gag where you challenge the host city’s mayor to an arm wrestling contest with Mayor Lucy Vinis of Eugene.

Well, I need to figure out what to wear to the Inland Empire 66ers’ home opener tomorrow. I am a pretty big deal at that stadium, and I need to look good. It is not easy being a Celebrity Judge      of a burrito throw down.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: The PRIMAL ROAD SCREAM in the motel is a good start for the day.

Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds] and Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I apologize for a lack of a timely response to your questions in your missives I thought would arrive yesterday, but I had to visit San Manuel Stadium to pick up my season tickets for the Inland Empire 66ers 2021 season. I was expecting to be able to do that soon at PK Park, once I was removed from the official season ticket waiting list after some your season ticket holders’ checks cleared. However, Governor Kate Brown might have thrown a monkey wrench into that and Thirsty Thursdays in the near future when she extended the pandemic state of emergency for certain counties in the state of Oregon.

Many people in the minor league industry would despair when faced with such a devastating blow, but as you well know, I am a man of solutions with a keen ability to look beyond stringent rules because of my outlaw background. While studying satellite imagery yesterday the land around Pk Park, I noticed some ample parking lots that will not be filled because of limited seating inside the stadium. 

Here is what we should do — designate much of those lots as Frolic Field. The Good Governor might not let us sell food and drink inside the stadium, but Frolic Field will the Emeralds’ new fun place to drink , dine, and experience minor league promotions. Bring in some food and beer trucks, and let the good time roll. We set up out own hot dog grill because goddammit, the Ems have not sold a hot dog since August, 2019. We can even expense a mobile hot dog stand to the Reality TV show

Have we started rolling film for the show yet? We need to be first in this, or someone like the Hartford Yard Goats or the Columbia Fireflies are going to land a deal before us. If the Emeralds’ video equipment is charged yet, use cell phones. We need video footage we can dub clever dialogue over. I hope the staff has been practicing their camera faces. Remember, we that should be working on:

1. Wide eyed genuine shocked faces.
2. Wide eyed sarcastic shocked faces
3. Meek, mousy faces for when Allan is on a rampage.
4. Overconfident sneesr that Billy Idol perfected with in the “Rebel Yell” video back in 1983.
5. Resting bitch faces.
6. Incredulously annoyed face
7. Droopy jowls after fourteen beers and six shots faces. 

There are more, but we will start with these seven. We need to start working on the soundtrack for the show also, especially the closing credits. 

Hey, I have some promotion ideas that can work in both PK Park and Frolic Field. 

Big Ass Beers (BABS): Targeted for the college crowd because let’s face it we are joined at the hip to a college town. 32 ounce drafts speak to college students the way waves speak to the shore.

Alexa versus Siri Night: IPhone versus Android as Emeralds fans will be given pool noodles in Frolic Field to beat the hell out of the opposition. 

Beer Batter: I am not sure if this is legal in Oregon, but it is the greatest promotion in all of professional sports. A batter on the opposition is designated the Beer Bater. When he strikes out, draft beers are 50% off.

Emaciated Pony Rides: a twist on the traditional petting zoo concept that shows children that life is often hard and not fair. It is just one  or two hard consonant sounds from freedom (emancipated) and starvation (emaciated). Maybe a dude in s dinosaur costume can chase the pony during the ride to create the perfect combination of excitement and terror that kids crave.

Sluggo Dies 1000 Deaths: Since it has been suggested to kill off Sluggo to make room for the much cooler Squatch, why not give all Emeralds’ fans a chance to say goodbye as Sluggo meets a different end every night, and has a post game funeral in Frolic Park? We could stretch this gag for years braise 1000 is a kind of big number in MiLB terms.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: When you get a letter from me, do you share it with the staff for morale purposes? Has every one had their PRIMAL SCREAM today?

Dear Alex Stimsom [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

Thank you for another fine response. Usually by this time in a correspondence with a club, I would have been blacklisted by upper management, and team representatives are told to forward my missives to the team’s legal staff. However, the Emeralds are that special organization that recognize VISION. Allow me to get quickly share some visions I had today.

I have talked about the importance of establishing an Emeralds’ meeting place for fans and employees to meet to build the camaraderie needed to sustain employee morale and ticket sales through a full season. Today I examined satellite photos around PK Park to find a suitable place, and to be blunt, there is not one. Is there a Cleveland Browns’ bar in town? They are usually desperate enough to let anyone hang out on short notice.

We need to find a place quickly because today during afternoon nap time, I had a dream in which the Emeralds were not only having pre-game fire ups at a local establishment, but we were pre-taping promotions to be aired later on the scoreboard during the game. The dream was rather dark because we were in an Applebee’s, the last refuge of desperate men, and the Knocker Ball was getting rather mean spirited. Still, this could be a workable idea, especially for the Reality Show that Allan has green lighted, but man we have to find a better place than Applebee’s, preferably not a corporate chain unless they are a sponsor.

I pitched a road trip to Allan Benavides [General Manager, Eugene Emeralds] to Hillsboro last night, and since he has not said no yet, I am assuming that has been given full approval also. I have even a more grandiose plan. As you have probably heard through the minor league grapevine, I am attending a Myrtle Beach Pelican’s game on June 1st, and have purchased a luxury box. Since I have surplus of tickets, I think Allan and yourself should fly to Myrtle Beach for the game and join my group of “investors.” Imagine the look on Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] and Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement] if you two walked in and told them you were here to meet Bads85’s reality show investors. That would be one BOSS move, a strong announcement that the Eugene Emeralds are a High A Ball, and Myrtle Beach Pelicans are not anymore. 

I know you are thinking, “Man, we are a minor league team that has not sold a goddamn hot dog since August, 2019. We cannot afford to be flying to Myrtle Beach.” Well, I have good news. When one is creating a reality television show, one can expense everything, and the investors take care of all that later. Just keep solid receipts. Do not fudge anything, and stay away from strip joints. I was going to do my part and cash in some Southwest Airlines miles to get Allan, you, and maybe Chris Bowers [Director of Corporate Sales} there, but imagine my surprise when I found out Southwest does not fly in and out of Eugene. Like in many instances in my life, disappointment turned to excitement when I saw opportunity. 

While Southwest does not fly into Eugene, they will be very soon. Obviously Southwest wants to make an impression in the area, and what better way to do that than to have the naming rights to a brand new baseball stadium, especially a baseball stadium that will be the home of the most popular reality television show when it opens. Hell, they might want to invest some money to get the show started. The reality show will turn Eugene into a tourist mecca, so Southwest is going to want be part of that. We could do some Southwest product placement in the show. Maybe the concession workers can wear Southwest baggage handler jumpsuits, or one front office member has a Southwest coffee mug.

See, possible revenue streams are already falling from the sky. We are going to make it rain money, so make it to Myrtle Beach —- it is Two Dollar Tacos and Tallboys that night! Plus it is Copa la Diversion Night! Now their logo looks like a Pelican that was impregnated by the Indy 500 logo in a night of passion, but it is the spirit of Copa la Diversion that counts.

Speaking of the reality show, perhaps the pilot should be about the Thirsty Thursday home opener and my possible appearance in town despite Allan’s pleas for me to wait until June. One of the subplots could be “Is Allan really going to make Bads85 purchase season tickets to attend Opening Night, or will he just give Bads85 the Emeralds’ magic lanyard that should get him into all High A West Games free of charge? And if Bads85 makes an appearance, will Mayor Lucy Vinis also attend?” You guys can talk in hushed tones behind Allan’s back.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Be sure the staff starts tomorrow’s work day with a PRIMAL SCREAM.