Dear Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
Today I purchased a luxury box at TicketReturn.Com Field for June 1st, 2021. Have you checked the weather forecast for that evening? I am sure it says something like, “Gentle sunshine punctuated by PRIMAL SCREAMS.” Just think, after all this time, we are going to finally meet face to face, and maybe even have a shot to commemorate the occasion like well traveled minor league veterans do. I bet that makes even you smile just a little bit. Not too much. But enough.
I must ask, how is my brick coming along? Will it be in place for Opening Night on May 11th? It would be nice to have a picture of it soon show I can show other minor league executives when I visit their parks. I was supposed to travel to Eugene for their home opener on May 11th, but their stadium is double booked, so they are opening in Hillsboro, so I might find myself in Lake Elsinore that night — the crosses I must bear.
I see that the night I will be in Myrtle Beach, Two Dollar Tallboys will be served. Could I pre-order about eighty of them to avoid standing in line during a pandemic? I could even supply the ice and cooler to cut down your labor costs —always the giver, am I. Maybe your organization would throw some Pabst Blue Ribbons in the mix. We aren’t exactly a fruit mixing with beer type crowd — I am because I do not want to get scurvy, but the other guys kind of want to get scurvy. A jug of Fireball would help also. thanks in advance.
I know COVID restrictions are brutal, and I will not be allowed to throw out the first pitch, but will there still be video cameras so fans can be on the big screen? If so, maybe Hunter Horenstein [ Director of Fan Engagement] could interview me in the luxury box. I can almost guarantee it will go viral, bringing the Pelicans national attention. In this NEW WORLD, it is vital that MiLB teams develop a national brand. A charismatic person with a mic is worth twenty social media accounts, although the MIC DUDE and social media accounts can work in tandem.
I still planning on throwing out a first pitch in the parking lot or across the street for posterity’s sake. I understand if your organization chooses not to be there because I was kind of a big asshole when I first wrote you in 2019, but hopefully we can laugh about that now — we were so young and innocent then.
Hey, I have been studying satellite imagery of Myrtle Beach, especially the area around your stadium in case things slide south, and I have to hide for a bit. Does your organization own the land on which TicketReturn.com Field sits? Have you ever thought of building a bar in the land beyond left field? A real bar, not a stadium bar. Call it The Pelican Roost. Serve really good wings. Perhaps a good steak. Have a splash zone for home runs over the left field fence. Drink specials every night of the week.
Unfortunately, because of South Carolina’s liquor laws, this will not come to fruition by 6/1. However, perhaps in could be a reality when I come back. Oh, there will be a return to Myrtle Beach for Bads85. The planning starts now!
Your friend in baseball,