Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:
Over the course of this full season, you will certainly come across lulls during your broadcasts. Feel free to read excerpts from my missives over the air to not only keep views attentive, but to inform them of important happenings throughout minor league baseball, including updates on the Eugene Emeralds’ reality tv show, which seems to have stalled this week. I thought Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] would be having budget and content meetings by now. We know he is not expending much effort to get us tee times at Eugene Country Club.
Your little golf trip to Idaho this week inspired me to think of another revenue generating idea for the Emeralds outside of PK Park. Golf packages for Ems’ fans that follow the team on the road. Fans load into coach buses, and join the team’s convoy to not only see exciting Ems’ action and ballpark promotions in different cities, but they spend the day playing the finest courses High A West cities, except in the Tri-Cities, which is where golf goes to die. Sure, the logistics of the need to be more clearly defined, and we have more pressing needs right now, but down the road…
Did you know I am the president of the Southern California Carolina League Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter? We have been kind of underground in this NEW AGE of MiLB, but while we would never abandon the once proud Carolina League, I passed a motion that we are now the Southern California Eugene Emeralds Backers, Screaming Banshee Chapter. This means much more exposure for the Ems as our charismatic selves will promote the Ems’ brand nationwide. We are anxiously awaiting new merchandise from the Ems, especially golf shirts. We would even be willing to design some Ems’ golf attire because we are givers.
Thank you for the shout out on the Ems’ radio broadcast last night. I too cannot wait for you to introduce me to the what will soon be a rabid, full season fan base. I would propose we do that sooner than later, and since you are in charge of all thing media, you have the power to make this happen, say in the form of a pre-game interview at the clubhouse of Eugene CC. Unfortunately, because of Governor Kate Brown, my travel plans to Eugene are still in the air. However, I am pretty damn phenomenal on Zoom calls if I do say so myself.
I plan on listening to your broadcast from San Manuel Stadium tonight, so it will be sort of like you have a co-pilot in the booth. Of course, we are having out first 50 Cent Friday Fireup before the game tonight, so things might get loose before your broadcast begins. Maybe we can start a “Bads85 Report From Around The Minors” in which I give you live updates during your broadcasts about the glory and carnage in the stadiums I am visiting. For example, when Bacon Hag, a staple of Sec [Redacted] at San Manuel Stadium, throws her cell phone at the netting because she spilled her beer in her nachos again, I could share it with you, and you could pass it along to your listeners. Or when Fast Eddie, wearing a WWI leather fighter pilot helmet, completes a human strafing run on a church group during Faith and Family Night, I pass it along to you, and your audience eats it up.
You might be asking, “Bads85, why would Ems’ fans care about bad fan behavior in other stadia?” Well, Allan, the answer is simple. To understand Bacon Hag is to understand MiLB. Same with Bongwater. Same with Ballhawk. Same with Shackles. Same with Whiskey Jack. Every full season park in the land has regulars like this (well, maybe not Bongwater — he is unique). By sharing characters from the road, not only I will l be helping the Ems’ fan base cultivate their own characters, but I am quite confident will expand your listening audience, not only helping the reality show, but making you a star of the reality show — or at least a recognizable face.
I know you have been on the road this week, but I sure hope the front office staff has been practicing their facial expressions in your absence. And letting loose with their PRIMAL SCREAMS.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: I bet they do not scream in Spokane.