Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
Good evening, Sir. Earlier today, I discovered via social media that the Eugene Emeralds will open their home schedule on the road in Hillsboro in a double header. This is how peasants obtain their news. Once again I failed to get the personal memo, which could have easily been resolved if I had an Emeralds’ email address. My strong intestinal fortitude will allow me to move forward like veterans of the MiLB do because we know the past, along with its promised opportunity, is gone forever.
I also saw that the true home opener will be on a Thirsty Thursday like the baseball gods intended, but only season ticket holders will be allowed in at this point. Well, that inspired me to become a Eugene Emeralds’ season ticket holder even though I am pretty much driving the ambulance for this party these days. However, went I went to your website, I was forced to sign up for a waiting list, which I suppose is COVID related, but it seems like citizens in the Soviet Union could get toilet paper in less time than I could get Ems’ season tickets. However, the baseball gods blessed me with immense patience, so I can wait until this is sorted out. Also, I know I would have no problem getting past security at PK Park for the home opener —- something we might need to work on once the REALITY SHOW goes live. Groupies, man. Groupies. The bane of my existence.
So this juggling of the schedule offers us a pristine opportunity for the REALITY SHOW: the front office road trip episode. I fly into Eugene, and your crew picks me up at the airport in a passenger van, and we head to Hillsboro as the cameras roll. Perhaps your staff can earn their full season league nicknames on the way. We can engage in Playlist Roulette, an intense game in which each person makes a ten song playlist. If any playlist contains a song that does not meet my approval, they must leave the van immediately and find alternative transportation. Yes, that is harsh, but life is too short for bad music choices.
Once we are inside Ron Tonkin Field, we can mingle with their staff and squirt ketchup on all the sunflower seed shells on their travel ball turf. Eventually, we can walk off with two kegs for the late night party at my buddy DMunk’s house down the street. I am sure he would not mind if the group crashed at his house that night. In the morning, we return to Eugene after a hearty brunch to make the final preparations for the first Thursday of the year. Well, you guys can. I will probably need a nap so I am fresh for Happy Hour..
I know you suggested (perhaps even mandated) that I do not make an appearance until June, but as the circuit’s greatest Thirty Thursday Ambassador, I think it is imperative for the Ems’ front office, the season ticket holders, and the entire city that I am present. After all, I am a beacon of hope for a population that faces the uncertainly of THE NEW WORLD in these difficult times. I could deliver an inspirational speech that lifts the populace from its COVID doldrums. I am very good at things like that. Most importantly, June is very bad month for me to travel to Eugene because of previous work commitments. Even this gorgeous face has to pay bills. Lastly, if I do not come to Eugene for that Thirsty Thursday, my next best option in the Lake Elsinore Storm, and that would a tremendous letdown.
Before it slips my mind, I have commenced creating the Emeralds’ reality TV show. I do request a few things from your end to get the ball rolling (other than the Emeralds’ email address):
- I need a ballpark office. No, not at PK Park; that is too small and smells like college, plus it lacks natural grass. I figure if you ask Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] for some space, he could accommodate us. I think it would be best if he just lets me use one of his luxury boxes that never gets sold. While this request might seem outlandish at first, Joe might be a little hurt that he was not included in this reality tv show endeavor. The dude was on Hoarders or something once, probably because the 66ers can never let go of broken equipment. I figure we can pitch this to the entire Elmore Sports Group as a pilot program for all of Elmore’s teams, who will eventually get their own show in upcoming seasons (except Lynchburg because who the hell cares about the Hillcats). Since we will be executive producer of al the shows, we will be FLUSH.
- An Emeralds’ lanyard with a photo ID. The cashier at the closest grocery store is giving me a hard time about my Fireball consumption, so an Emeralds’ lanyard should keep her in check.
That is it; that is all I need at this time. I am a pretty self-sufficient guy, being a smoke jumper in the Devils arcade all these years.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Have you had your PRIMAL SCREAM today?