Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
Did you know your organization probably has the best game reports in all of minor leagues? Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene emeralds] is apparently is more than just a pretty face and a knowledgeable voice. This is a valuable asset that needs to be marketed to help enhance the Emeralds’ national brand. Let’s face it; MiLB team websites are not exactly high traffic areas so we need to get the word out. Here is how:
I just created an internet award: Best MiLB Game Recaps. Winner: Alex Stimson; Eugene Emeralds. Now your organization can promote your game recaps as “written by the award winning Alex Stimson…” In fact you can take it a step further by pushing the story that the Emeralds are trying to create a website with the best collection of minor league writing in all the land, which is why the Ems brought aboard the renown baseball humorist, Bads85. Drop a line to your buddy Ben Hill, and tell him if he is well behaved he can come to PK Park this season to write some articles that will be included on the the Ems’ website so he can feel he is part of the team. Tell him we do not not publish fluff pieces though.
Hey, I could not help but notice that the Emeralds have not released their 2021 promotion schedule yet. I know that Governor Kate still has Lane County on double secret probation, but I think it would behoove your organization to lift the the media blackout just a bit. People like to plan in advance, and Babbling Bob in Middle Management is going to start making vacation plans. He might book that Disneyland trip the week of July 10th any day now, but if he knew there were a Barry Bonds Bobblehead giveaway that weekend, he might push that vacation back to the next week when the Ems are back in Spokane. Disney does not give refunds, so Bob will be going to Anaheim if he books that trip. Yes, I know it is very presumptuous of me to make this sort of suggestion, but a wise man once told me, “You can always push a promotion back because baseball is a simple game. You throw the ball. You catch the ball. You hit the ball. You catch the ball. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes it rains.”
Speaking of promotions, I thought of another good one: Chipping at Sluggo. Get a local golf store as a sponsor, say Fiddler on the Green. Lucky Emeralds’ fans get three chip shot to hit Sluggo. Make sure you use plastic ball though in case one of the participants has the shanks. You would not want Chis Bowers [Director of Corporate Sales] taking a shot just below the waist from an errant Top-Flite. I figured since the front office has not fully embraced the money making idea of killing off a beloved mascot since sentiment trumps profit up there, we can at least put Sluggo to good use. Also, Sluggo needs a Dodgers’ tattoo. I bet the Governor would immediately lift the lockdown if that happened because the baseball gods would approve.
I have been looking at video of the Squatch costume, and I have to be brutally honest. He kind of looks like an albino Squatch that was kicked off the set of Harry and the Hendersons because of a cocaine problem. Now this is not necessarily a bad thing, but this Squatch does not look very virile. A proper looking mascot would inspire couples to go home and make Li’l Squatches, but I am not sure Albino Harry does that. The Squatch on the hats though, that guy could drive nails with … hey, look that the time. I think I have some meetings tomorrow. Better go for now.
Your friend in baseball,
Bads85
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