Dear Alex Stimsom [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:
Thank you for another fine response. Usually by this time in a correspondence with a club, I would have been blacklisted by upper management, and team representatives are told to forward my missives to the team’s legal staff. However, the Emeralds are that special organization that recognize VISION. Allow me to get quickly share some visions I had today.
I have talked about the importance of establishing an Emeralds’ meeting place for fans and employees to meet to build the camaraderie needed to sustain employee morale and ticket sales through a full season. Today I examined satellite photos around PK Park to find a suitable place, and to be blunt, there is not one. Is there a Cleveland Browns’ bar in town? They are usually desperate enough to let anyone hang out on short notice.
We need to find a place quickly because today during afternoon nap time, I had a dream in which the Emeralds were not only having pre-game fire ups at a local establishment, but we were pre-taping promotions to be aired later on the scoreboard during the game. The dream was rather dark because we were in an Applebee’s, the last refuge of desperate men, and the Knocker Ball was getting rather mean spirited. Still, this could be a workable idea, especially for the Reality Show that Allan has green lighted, but man we have to find a better place than Applebee’s, preferably not a corporate chain unless they are a sponsor.
I pitched a road trip to Allan Benavides [General Manager, Eugene Emeralds] to Hillsboro last night, and since he has not said no yet, I am assuming that has been given full approval also. I have even a more grandiose plan. As you have probably heard through the minor league grapevine, I am attending a Myrtle Beach Pelican’s game on June 1st, and have purchased a luxury box. Since I have surplus of tickets, I think Allan and yourself should fly to Myrtle Beach for the game and join my group of “investors.” Imagine the look on Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] and Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement] if you two walked in and told them you were here to meet Bads85’s reality show investors. That would be one BOSS move, a strong announcement that the Eugene Emeralds are a High A Ball, and Myrtle Beach Pelicans are not anymore.
I know you are thinking, “Man, we are a minor league team that has not sold a goddamn hot dog since August, 2019. We cannot afford to be flying to Myrtle Beach.” Well, I have good news. When one is creating a reality television show, one can expense everything, and the investors take care of all that later. Just keep solid receipts. Do not fudge anything, and stay away from strip joints. I was going to do my part and cash in some Southwest Airlines miles to get Allan, you, and maybe Chris Bowers [Director of Corporate Sales} there, but imagine my surprise when I found out Southwest does not fly in and out of Eugene. Like in many instances in my life, disappointment turned to excitement when I saw opportunity.
While Southwest does not fly into Eugene, they will be very soon. Obviously Southwest wants to make an impression in the area, and what better way to do that than to have the naming rights to a brand new baseball stadium, especially a baseball stadium that will be the home of the most popular reality television show when it opens. Hell, they might want to invest some money to get the show started. The reality show will turn Eugene into a tourist mecca, so Southwest is going to want be part of that. We could do some Southwest product placement in the show. Maybe the concession workers can wear Southwest baggage handler jumpsuits, or one front office member has a Southwest coffee mug.
See, possible revenue streams are already falling from the sky. We are going to make it rain money, so make it to Myrtle Beach —- it is Two Dollar Tacos and Tallboys that night! Plus it is Copa la Diversion Night! Now their logo looks like a Pelican that was impregnated by the Indy 500 logo in a night of passion, but it is the spirit of Copa la Diversion that counts.
Speaking of the reality show, perhaps the pilot should be about the Thirsty Thursday home opener and my possible appearance in town despite Allan’s pleas for me to wait until June. One of the subplots could be “Is Allan really going to make Bads85 purchase season tickets to attend Opening Night, or will he just give Bads85 the Emeralds’ magic lanyard that should get him into all High A West Games free of charge? And if Bads85 makes an appearance, will Mayor Lucy Vinis also attend?” You guys can talk in hushed tones behind Allan’s back.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Be sure the staff starts tomorrow’s work day with a PRIMAL SCREAM.