I Tell Allan I Will Miss Opening Week

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I regret to inform you I will not be be traveling to Eugene next week for the opening series. Governor Kate Brown’s “Extreme Risk” restrictions leave too much doubt for me to comfortably travel to your fair city. It is as if she does not know my middle name is “Danger” as in “Danger is My Business”, but this is not the first time government bureaucracy has made me alter travel plans. Fortunately, I am a person who can adapt on the fly. I know the front office will probably be devastated, but encourage them to be strong as I will be there soon.

I was a little surprised there wasn’t not much movement on the Reality TV show front for the Emeralds’s this week. Perhaps there was, and I was just not informed of the progress because the IT department has failed to activate my official Emeralds’ email address. I did see what looked to be an intern in a dinosaur costume on social media this week which certainly warmed the cockles of my heart. Maybe that dinosaur should camp out on Governor Brown’s lawn to bring awareness to the plight of an MiLB team that cannot even sell tickets for home games yet.

Tonight will be my third game of the season at San Manuel Stadium. Opening Night had a good crowd, but the first Thirsty Thursday was a pretty much a bust. The 66ers, being a proactive organization instead of a reactive organization, made a move to address this by hiring my son, Little Bads, as their between innings promotions’ assistant. Yes, the 66ers are still doing between inning promotions via the video screen. The 66ers have ample room to do this just beyond the world famous The Garage, one the most vibrant stadium bars in all of MiLB. 

Mrs. Bads shed a tear or two when Little Bads accepted the position because she knows he is fully committed to the life of the outlaw now, donning a mustard costume and launching hot dogs into the crowd. I am sure he will look good in his official 66ers’ work polo, just as I will when I get my official Emerald’s work polo (and my cool business cards). He will probably receive his before I receive mine, which will give Joe Hudson [General Manager] much mirth. I have only been able to briefly talk to GM Joe over the past two games because of my responsibilities as Thirsty Thursday Ambassador. He has probably been sitting in his office playing solitaire on his computer. Lord knows he did not order any Fireball for The Garage.

I did listen to part of the Ems’ broadcast last night — the good part, when they came back to win. As you probably have figured out by now, the good parts always seem to find me. I think a really good subplot of the the reality show should be Alex Stimson [Media Relations] on the road together, playing courses in the vicinity of High A West stadiums. I am sure these courses will pay us a hefty sponsorship fee to be on our show. 

Speaking of sponsorships, the 66ers lost a big one, and word on the street is that a mascot met his demise because of it. This seems to a tawdry tale of grease monkeys gone bad, rejection, bitter mistresses, low riders, dope in tire wells, and trains. You know, any day that end in “Y” in The Dino. I do not have al the details yet, but the empty signage in right center field speaks volumes. 

Rumor has it there is a promotion meeting coming soon. Ever heard of Cookie or Pie? It is a twist of Cake and Pie, and a cream pie almost always ends up in someone’s face to the delight of the crowd. How about Fire in the Hole? Bill and Melinda Splits? Yo’ Momma Don’t Dance? Yo’ Daddy is a Rockhead? 

We can discuss Monday.

Your friend in baseball,


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