Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
I hope you had time over the weekend to absorb the many proposals I sent you that will allow the Emeralds to thrive in these uncertain NEW TIMES. My legal advisor is a bit lacking in Oregon law, but we are outlaws that have little use for society’s constraints on the eve of the minor league season. My legal counsel thinks he found a loophole if we cannot proceed with an outdoor/outside the stadium gate plan. It appears that Governor Kate Brown loves herself a three ring event, and circuses in Oregon have been spared the harsh restrictions other all business have.
So here is way we do; we pitch a tent on Frolic Park, set up some TVs to live stream the games, tap a few kegs, fire up the cotton candy machine, grill some dogs, and invite fans to enjoy the game outside the stadium. Advertise that Wild Bads’ Circus is coming to town and photoshop a likeness of me wearing a top hat. Boom! We are in business. I know you are thinking, “Bads85, how can I afford the TVs? I haven’t sold a goddamn hotdog since August, 2019?” Well, Allan, we live in the golden age television manufacturing where large TVs can be purchased for under $300, plus Best Buy has a a 15 day return policy. Throw a few on your credit card, and return them in two weeks, no questions asked. Also, sell the naming rights to Frolic Field to a corporate sponsor. Kendall Ford’s Frolic Field has a nice ring to it, especially is Kendal Ford writes you a $50,000 check. You should not have to split the revenues with the university because it is not part of PK Park.
Most importantly, your organization will be able to use video from air on the video board between innings. Some teams are going to try to fill this time with packaged content, but most of that is going to be awful. You know why, Allan? Because sports management classes do dot have the same curriculum as film school. What will be produced will be those awkward shorts that litter MiLB social media pages, usually involving talking bat dogs, failed humor, forced dialogue, and summer camp fun bullshit that does not translate well to adulthood. There are no participation trophies for packaged content, just humiliation that never really leaves the soul.
An extraordinary in game host will be a minor deity at Frolic Field, promoting the social action fans crave in these NEW TIMES. You might be worried about government interference, but what is the worst thing that can happen? Governor Kate sends in the National Guard? They will not have live ammunition, and if they try to shut us down, we will sell them hot dogs. Guess what? They have not had a ballpark dog since August, 2019. The Reality TV show can be good between inning entertainment also. Those seven facial expressions we discussed last week? Comedy gold.
I am sure you have seen that the Gonzaga University Baseball Team has been placed on COVID time-out. You know the team that sent the home opener to Hillsboro. I am not sure if there has ever been a bigger goat fuck to open a minor league season, but from chaos comes creativity and opportunity. Every SNAFU (Situation Normal All Fucked) becomes Emeralds’ lore in the reality show and the book I am writing chronically this historic through my point of view. The chaos might be too great for me to resist, and I might still come to Eugene that crazy week. I might bring my buddy Sneaky Boom, is a long time companion of the road. We once sat on the front porch of the mayor of Cooperstown’s porch with baseball royalty during Trevor Hoffman and Jim Tome’s Induction Weekend. We also have been the Mexicali for a Águilas de Mexicali game in the Mexican Pacific League game, plus almost countless Cactus League games.
Hey, you should fly down here this week for the 66ers home opener and see how real full season fans open the season. I am sure we can fit you in our pod in Section 102, and surprise GM Joe. Imagine how jealous he will be when you tell him you staying at my place and playing some golf before the game. Plus, you can tell him you want to see some Low A Ball action.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: It is never too early in the week for a PRIMAL SCREAM.