I Prep Alex For the Road Opener

Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

I see you are in Eastern Washington on the eve of the Emeralds’ road opener, probably locked in a motel room so you are not mugged by roving brigands wandering the mean street of Spokane. Spokane crime statistics might not scream HIGH CRIME, but we know statistics can lie.  It is nice that Emeralds have the luxury of having a consummate professional from their front office on the road. Most organizations’ media relation dudes hit the road town drinking Wild Turkey straight from the bottle. Perhaps you might be too — your secret is safe with me because I know when the gates open at Avista Stadium tomorrow, you will be there unless the bus driver took a wrong turn, and inadvertently drove you into a shoot out between criminal elements. 

One of the media relation guy’s secondary responsibilities is to be the eyes and ears of the organization. We need to see what other organizations are doing, both right and wrong. If something looks good, we employ it at PK Park and accuse them of stealing it from. Whatever they do wrong, we heartily laugh at on social media, especially if the Emeralds lose. You are are boots on the ground, Alex, deep in the land of the opposition. In fact, you just earned your Full Season nickname: Boots. You are the first Ems’ front office staff to do so. If you do not care for “Boots”, perhaps we could go with “Moccasins” or “Cleats”.

So Boots, there are certain imperative data points that you must collect at every stadium:

  1. Beer prices on any given night, especially Thursday Thursday. Cheap beer is what drives the minor leagues. If the meth heads of Spokane Valley are paying less than the good folk of Eugene, well, that is wrong. Size of these cheap beers is import also.
  2. Beer selection. Inexpensive swill makes the world go around, but fans should have choices. Pabst Blue Ribbon is a plus.
  3. Does the stadium have a full bar with an ample liquor selection? Do they serve shots of Fireball?
  4. Does the stadium serve soft serve ice cream in little helmets? If they do not, beware! Your soul is in danger. 
  5. Hot dog prices. And is there a bacon option for these hot dogs? Are there ample condiment stands? Is anyone trying to snort relish up their nose with a straw? The freaks congregate at the condiment stand. No one knows why for sure; it just happens.
  6. Is there a community bar in the park? Not a beer stand  — a real bar where people meet, socialize, and tell stories of the road.
  7. What is the ratio of beautiful people to ugly people?
  8. Is security armed? How confident would you be sneaking in without a ticket?
  9. How long are the concession lines?
  10. What special food items are offered?

Now that the Emeralds are a Full Season organization, it is also important for the media guy to help fuel a rivalry between the fans. A good way to do that is to put good natured barbs into your broadcast about the opposition while promoting the Ems.. For instance, you could casually say, “You know, the Spokane Indians do not even play in the nicest baseball stadium in the greater Spokane area. Gonzaga University has that honor, but their team has COVID, so nobody is playing there currently. This stadium was built in less than four months in 1958 ,and it shows. Thankfully, the Emeralds will not have to worry about that when they play in their new stadium in a couple of years.”

It is always a good idea to compliment the mayor of the city during your broadcast since you never know when you might run afoul of the law, and Allan Benavides {General Manager; Eugene Emeralds} is sleeping the sleep of the dead. Maybe you create some running gag where you challenge the host city’s mayor to an arm wrestling contest with Mayor Lucy Vinis of Eugene.

Well, I need to figure out what to wear to the Inland Empire 66ers’ home opener tomorrow. I am a pretty big deal at that stadium, and I need to look good. It is not easy being a Celebrity Judge      of a burrito throw down.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: The PRIMAL ROAD SCREAM in the motel is a good start for the day.

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