Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds] and Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
I apologize for a lack of a timely response to your questions in your missives I thought would arrive yesterday, but I had to visit San Manuel Stadium to pick up my season tickets for the Inland Empire 66ers 2021 season. I was expecting to be able to do that soon at PK Park, once I was removed from the official season ticket waiting list after some your season ticket holders’ checks cleared. However, Governor Kate Brown might have thrown a monkey wrench into that and Thirsty Thursdays in the near future when she extended the pandemic state of emergency for certain counties in the state of Oregon.
Many people in the minor league industry would despair when faced with such a devastating blow, but as you well know, I am a man of solutions with a keen ability to look beyond stringent rules because of my outlaw background. While studying satellite imagery yesterday the land around Pk Park, I noticed some ample parking lots that will not be filled because of limited seating inside the stadium.
Here is what we should do — designate much of those lots as Frolic Field. The Good Governor might not let us sell food and drink inside the stadium, but Frolic Field will the Emeralds’ new fun place to drink , dine, and experience minor league promotions. Bring in some food and beer trucks, and let the good time roll. We set up out own hot dog grill because goddammit, the Ems have not sold a hot dog since August, 2019. We can even expense a mobile hot dog stand to the Reality TV show
Have we started rolling film for the show yet? We need to be first in this, or someone like the Hartford Yard Goats or the Columbia Fireflies are going to land a deal before us. If the Emeralds’ video equipment is charged yet, use cell phones. We need video footage we can dub clever dialogue over. I hope the staff has been practicing their camera faces. Remember, we that should be working on:
- Wide eyed genuine shocked faces.
- Wide eyed sarcastic shocked faces
- Meek, mousy faces for when Allan is on a rampage.
- Overconfident sneesr that Billy Idol perfected with in the “Rebel Yell” video back in 1983.
- Resting bitch faces.
- Incredulously annoyed face
- Droopy jowls after fourteen beers and six shots faces.
There are more, but we will start with these seven. We need to start working on the soundtrack for the show also, especially the closing credits.
Hey, I have some promotion ideas that can work in both PK Park and Frolic Field.
Big Ass Beers (BABS): Targeted for the college crowd because let’s face it we are joined at the hip to a college town. 32 ounce drafts speak to college students the way waves speak to the shore.
Alexa versus Siri Night: IPhone versus Android as Emeralds fans will be given pool noodles in Frolic Field to beat the hell out of the opposition.
Beer Batter: I am not sure if this is legal in Oregon, but it is the greatest promotion in all of professional sports. A batter on the opposition is designated the Beer Bater. When he strikes out, draft beers are 50% off.
Emaciated Pony Rides: a twist on the traditional petting zoo concept that shows children that life is often hard and not fair. It is just one or two hard consonant sounds from freedom (emancipated) and starvation (emaciated). Maybe a dude in s dinosaur costume can chase the pony during the ride to create the perfect combination of excitement and terror that kids crave.
Sluggo Dies 1000 Deaths: Since it has been suggested to kill off Sluggo to make room for the much cooler Squatch, why not give all Emeralds’ fans a chance to say goodbye as Sluggo meets a different end every night, and has a post game funeral in Frolic Park? We could stretch this gag for years braise 1000 is a kind of big number in MiLB terms.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: When you get a letter from me, do you share it with the staff for morale purposes? Has every one had their PRIMAL SCREAM today?