Dead Religions

Dear Kyle Day {General Manager; Spokane Indians]:

Thank you for the best response I have ever received from a minor league front office executive. I do think you misunderstand one important matter though. As one of the most prolific minor league baseball ambassadors, I do not take sides in post season matchups, except when my beloved Inland Empire 66ers qualify for the post season, which has not happened in seven years.

I am like Switzerland, except with F-16 nuclear strike capability (figuratively speaking of course. Having a real F-16 would probably violate your stringent “No Weapons” policy). I like to think of myself as a representative of all of the High A West organizations, except for the Hillsboro Hops because of the poor turf conditions at Tonka Truck Field, and that team in Pasco with disgusting logo that looks like something left in an airport toilet. While I may shoplift Emeralds’ gear from their team store, my rooting loyalties are not partisan – unless I am drinking on Allan Benavides’ tab.

Please allow me a quick request before I continue with my response. It would be a TOTAL BOSS move if you allowed me to throw out a ceremonial first pitch in one of the games this week, The shock on Allan’s face would ignite social media. I apologize for the late request, but I did reach out to one of your staff last week. She probably thought I was some sort of a loon as I used my personal email. I promise I will not drill your mascot with my pitch.

Thank you for answering my questions, especially the diaper bag one. I will make sure the Ems’ staff does not try to bring in an unmanufactured diaper bag. I am sure you will feel better knowing that I left the small xylophone at home because airport security is usually suspicious of a grown ass man having a small xylophone in his computer bag. I will have you know I would have had no problem getting it past security though as I am an outlaw.

I have three children, all grown. My youngest works for the 66ers. Some children grow up to attend Ivy League schools. My son gets to dress up as bacon for the Hotdog Launch, meaning I win at parenting. I do not know what Joe Hudson [General Manager; IE 66ers] will do next year when my son leaves for college – probably hire a replacement at a lower wage.

I am not an Oregon Ducks’ fan, which means our similarity score continues to rise. I do think you are being unduly harsh in regards to Allan’s face. Sure he does not have any chiseled jawline, but it is a face of a man you can trust… to pull a prank on you at any given moment.

Kyle, Happy Hour always deserves further explanation. That is a rookie mistake. If we are going to be having drinks together, do not be a Newb in High A Ball. Does your Happy Hour include a full service bar? If so, how high does the top shelf go? Do you have beers on tap, or do we have to drink beer out of cans like savages? Are there snacks? Say like pretzels?

I am willing to have an open mind about Recycleman, mainly because he is bigger than me. Compost Corner sounds like an ecological disaster in Pasco though. As yes, I beat Mr. Hudson in fantasy football this week. It was a nail biter that went down to Monday night. Had his tight end caught five touchdown passes and my running back fumbled fourteen times, he might have pulled with ten points of me. Instead, I won by about seventy points.

Anyway, the plane is supposed to land soon. I look forward to meeting you soon. I do have one last question. Is your stadium in Spokane or Spokane Valley? There seems to be some confusion.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Kyle Day [General Manager; Spokane Indians]:

Good day, Sir. I will be traveling from Southern California to your somewhat famous stadium next week to wake in the High A West Championship Series in all its splendor. I was perusing your organization’s website as part of my exhaustive planning (as one of minor league baseball’s top ambassadors, I certainly understand the importance of logistics), and I have a few questions about your stadium rules. I do not want to get off on the wrong foot due to a simple misunderstanding.

1. Just what is a manufactured diaper bag? I suppose I should be asking what is an unmanufactured diaper bag? I ask because I will be joining the Eugene Emeralds’ front office contingent making the trip, and fecal incontinence is no laughing matter when traveling with unfamiliar groups of people. It is all fun and games until someone shits their pants.
2. What exactly is a clear bag? Say I take a one gallon freezer bag and put Squatch stickers all over it to help promote the Emeralds’ brand is that okay? I swear their will not be a flask of Knob Creek Maple Bourbon in there that would be passed around our section. 
3. Is a small xylophone considered an “excessive noisemaker”? If so, it will not be in the Squatch bag either.
4. How do you define visibly obscene images? Is that not a judgment in the eye of the beholder thing? Say like with a San Francisco Giants’ logo, which most sane people find extremely offensive. However, there is a batshit crazy element of the human dregs on this planet who not only embrace the team, but proudly wear the logo. Same with the Hillsboro Hops. The mayor of that city actively campaigns against the Beer Batter. I guess what I am asking is who polices the police here?
5. This is a very important question considering with whom I traveling. Will there be a Happy Hour for the playoff games?
6. If all your tickets are digital, what is the need for Will Call?
7. Does your mascot Recycle Man know that most recycled plastic end up dumped in the Pacific Ocean? If so, does he feel like a fraud?

Hey, I know this is your first High A Championship Series, so as a grizzled veteran of the California League I can help you progress on the learning curve. You see, Kyle, I am a giver. In case you do not know, it is common courtesy in High A ball to offer the visiting team’s front office staff a luxury suite for the playoffs. It is also customary for the home team to host the late night parties after the games. I know Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] would return the favor to your staff if the Ems’ were allowed to have home games in this series.

Another tradition in the High A post season is to invite minor league ambassadors like myself into your office for a tall bourbon. We can take a picture that will make Allan and Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] insanely jealous. It is rather cute how the constantly vie for my attention. I am sure you have heard by now that I am in the 66ers’ front office fantasy league and face Mr. Hudson this weekend in head to head competition. An immense amount of spiritual wealth is on the line in form of a wager.

Speaking of wagers, it is a High A Championship tradition that opposing GMs make some sort of bet also, something that usually represents each organization’s city. I am not sure what Spokane has to offer beyond property crime, but I bet you do. Speaking from experience here, you might want to refrain from betting interns because of the stickiness of current human trafficking laws. 

If you have any further questions, feel free to reach out to me before my arrival on Tuesday. I am sure the inaugural High A West Championship Series will be one for the ages.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Gina Giesseman [Partner Service Coordinator; Spokane Indians]:

Hello! I am very excited to be traveling from Southern California for the High A West Championship next week. The last time I was in Spokane, I witnessed a gun battle between local law enforcement officers and some ruffians at a McDonald’s, which sort of soured my view of the city, and the Quarter Pounder with Cheese I had been eating. I have been assured by reputable people that Spokane is a wonderful city, so I am hoping to symbolically cleanse my palate with this trip.

I will be meeting a contingent of the Eugene Emeralds’ front office. You see, I write baseball humor pieces for them because Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] is a man of great taste and vision, and thinks my pieces are funny. Well, he used to when he bothered to read them. He does not read them anymore because he is a busy man trying to secure a new stadium for the Emeralds. He just gives me free reign about what I write because our relationship was founded on a deep trust, although I have to be careful what I say to local politicians, especially Eugene Mayor Lucy Vinis.

I have a special request I hope you can help me with. I would like to throw out a ceremonial first pitch before one of the first three games of the series. I have great practice at this as I have thrown out first pitches for the Inland Empire 66ers, Down East Wood Ducks, Myrtle Beach Pelicans, Eugene Emeralds, and probably a couple or teams I am forgetting. I am one of Minor League Baseball’s greatest ambassadors and travel from park to park across the land. You might have heard of me as I am kind of a big deal on certain minor league circuits. Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] gave me a stack of official business cards to solidify my credentials. 

I am asking to throw out the first pitch because the Emeralds’ front office staff wuld be quite astounded if suddenly Bads85 was on the field tossing the rawhide to the catcher. I am trying to convince the staff that they need to expand their brand beyond Lane County, Oregon, but provincialism often takes time to overcome. Tossing out the first pitch would expedite matters greatly. I promise I will not drill the mascot, or launch a ball into the stands as I respect the game too much for those shenanigans, plus I am too old to outrun stadium security these days.

You might be asking what is in this for my organization, and the answer is my eternal gratitude, which is essentially priceless. Also, this will be all over social media outlets, so the Spokane Indians will be getting free facetime with the one and only Bads85. You may have heard that I am poised to become the dude in charge of the Inland Empire 66ers Twitter account once my fantasy football team defeats Joe Hudson’s team this week in one of the most anticipated matchups in, well, forever.

Having me throw out the first pitch would be quite the coup your organization. Just ask Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] what can happen if I throw out a first pitch. He was just a general manager before I traveled to Kinston, North Carolina. Now he is a minor deity.

I have also been known to raise money for the charities of organizations I favor. For example, I raised $1,900 in twenty-four hours for an Ems’ charity this summer. Since we are at the season’s end, I cannot do much for your organization at this time, but Sandpoint, Idaho is one of my target retirement spots, so who know what can happen down the road. Your organization could play a big part in my retirement plans. I hope the restrooms in Avista Stadium are spotless next week.

I hope to see you next week. If I have a flask in my hand, someone else from my group brought it in.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Did I mention I bleed Dodger Blue?

Dear Allan Benavides {General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

By now you have certainly heard the news that shook the foundation of Minor League Baseball:  I am playing in the Inland Empire 66ers’ front office fantasy football league, and this week I play Joe Hudson [General Manager and two time Cal League Executive of the Year]. Much is at stake as Mr. Hudson is rumored to be a degenerate gambler, and he put a great deal of spiritual wealth on the line with a wager that his anemic team will score more points than my juggernaut team designed to steal my opponents’ souls. If his team wins, I must wear the bacon costume from the hot dog launch to work. If I win, I get to design new golf polos to be sold in the Team Store, plus I will be in charge of the 66ers’ Twitter account. 

Yes, you read that correctly. Bads85 could be in charge of a MiLB Twitter account as early as next Tuesday. As you well know, this will change the face of social media in MiLB. Right now, there are quite a few sports management and mass communication grads that are whimpering in a fetal position in a dark room somewhere as they know there could be a new sheriff in town.

This missive is not entirely about me, however. It is about our great journey to Spokane next week for the High A West Championship Series. Rumor is that your are bringing much of your front office staff in a brisk seven hour dash across the wasteland of rural Washington. While I am excited to see your wonderful staff again. I must ask, “Are they emotionally ready for a High A Championship Series?” This is not some cuddly short season playoff matchup in which there are friendly mascot wars; LIVES ARE IN THE BALANCE next week. There are two types of fans in the High A Playoffs: the Quick and the Dead.  Fortunately, I will be there for your staff because I am riding this train all the way to the end. 

We should probably go over some basic ground rules to share with your staff:

1. If the stadium has an organist, no applauding when she pauses. 
2. No one should be asking for receipts to take to their IRS audit.
3. No paper towels in public toilets.
4. No tapping stemware to see if it rings.
5. Don’t ask what your country can do for you.
6. Don’t leave long messages on voice mails.
7. Don’t ask people how they got their limp.
8. Don’t bite into a stadium delicacy, then say, “All the taste of butter without the calories.”
9. Don’t forget to sign your Christmas cards.
10. Don’t belabor a point,
11. Don’t belabor a point. 

You might be thinking, “Wow, Bads85. That is a great deal of mandates I thought you were footloose and fancy free, not some road trip control freak.” Let me remind you we live in a society, and societies have rules. 

Anyway, I don’t have any really good looking, official looking Emeralds’ gear, just the stuff you guys sell at your hide a bed team shop. Maybe you could find a coupe nice polos around your office and bring them to Spokane so I don’t look like an unkempt slob. I, of course, will reimburse you for this expense. I am sure my Blockbuster video card is a fine way to settle any debts with you.

I need to get some sleep. I have a big weekend in store, plus I need to prepare some Tweets to release shortly after my impending victory.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Congratulations on your first week win in the Inland Empire 66ers Front Office League. Winning on the first week is an exhilarating feeling, and something half the league will never feel this season. Do not let anyone try to diminish your win by saying you played the team that scored the lowest point total of the week. A win is a win. Honestly though, this missive is not about you. It is about the epic match-up between Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] and myself.

Reverberations of this long awaited contest will echo throughout Minor League Baseball, all the way to the Hartford Yard Goats and down to the Myrtle Beach Pelicans. If GM Joe takes down Bads85, well, that is worth ten Golden Bobble Heads. If I win, well it is just another Executive of the Year for my collection. The was a great disturbance in The Force when I agreed to play in your league as certain organizations were crestfallen that I did not join their leagues. Reports of grown men openly weeping filled my inbox.

Having Bads85 is a MiLB front office league is quite the coup for the 66ers as it keeps the organization relevant through the bleak days of winter. It is pretty much the equivalent of having a billboard of the 66ers on Space Mountain at Disneyland. Your social media people should be all over this. I am pretty sure there are members of the Eugene Emeralds’ front office dying to crash this rapidly growing shindig, but lack the constitution to drive 1800 miles in a mad dash for glory.

There have been numerous inquiries across MiLB about the wager between Hudson and me. Are you two playing for Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]’s soul? Of course not. We already possess his heart. We do not need his soul. Others have asked if the position of Director of Promotions for the 66ers on the line. To be truthful, I am not sure what we are playing for yet as Mr. Hudson has made no overtures about a wager.

I do know that my bar is open to the 66ers’ staff this Sunday. Come early; stay late. As you have probably heard, get togethers at my house are very special, and certainly not for the meek I actually have two bars in my backyard because I built the second one in case I feel like going on a pub crawl. The only rule I have is no Rancho Cucamonga Quakes’ crust fuckers are allowed. Those people’s body oils wreak havoc with the pool filters. Maybe one of you can bring me my Cherubs’ jersey I won in the auction last week – and some 66ers shot glasses if any are still around. People swipe those from my house all the time because they are quite the status symbol.

Perhaps you can bring the hot dog launchers. I know GM Joe loves those things. We will let him fire stuff into my neighbor’s yard every time one of his players finds the endzone, which should not be that often because his team is going to shit the bed this week after than big offensive explosion last week. We can also play Sniper Dodgeball across the pool with the launchers while most of you guys wait and wait for your team to score. You should leave the knocker balls at San Manuel Stadium though. My rose garden will eat those up.

I just had an idea for a bet with GM Joe – if my team somehow scores fewer points than his this week, I will wear the Bacon costume to school for a day (I get to take it to the dry cleaners first though because I have seen who wears that). If I win, you and I get to design some new 66ers golf polos to sell in the Team Shop so the loyal fan base does not have to look like a troupe of hobos on the links. I will do all the work on this because I really want to look good. Perhaps I could design some new shot glasses also. Or many if I win, I get to run the 66ers’ Twitter account.

Anyway, I need to study the player pool as my waiver wire request was denied, given to some first week loser.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Sean VanGordon [Mayor; Springfield. Oregon]:

Good day, Sir. We have not formally met, but you have been haunting my vivid dreams of a late as you force my good friend, Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] to rebrand his team to the Glenwood Hobos as part of a land deal for a new minor league baseball stadium. In the distance, the ghost of Dirty Dick searches for Little Nell. Is my vision prescience? Or the result of dining too late, then falling asleep to Mark Knopfler?  I write this missive in hopes you will answer a few questions to ensure you get out of my head in the dark hours of the night. 

Do you like minor league baseball, Mr. Mayor? You know, in the sense that MiLB can be a viable economic force for a local community? Or in the sense of the crack of the bat, the flashing of the leather, carnage and glory sense? Just what is motivating you to be open overtures to bring the beloved Emeralds to your fair city? Pecuniary gains? Fame? Groupies? Increases In per capita income of the citizens of Springfield? Multi-collinearity in regression analysis? What makes you tick, Mr. Mayor? I need to know.

You might be wondering just who I am, even though I am a pretty big deal in your neighbor city, Eugene after the splash I made this summer. The short answer is that I am a minor league baseball ambassador who travels from city to city, bringing inspiration and cheer. Some say I am a prophet. Others say I am a lunatic. I did raise $1,900 in a twenty-four hour period for the Boys and Girls’ Club of the Emerald Valley during the now quite famous Bads85 Mad Dash to Eugene in which a road companion and I raced through the night to make it to Eugene for a Thirsty Thursday at PK Park, play a round of golf at Eugene Country Club, then turn around to make it to California Burrito Night at San Manuel Stadium, home of the Inland Empire 66ers. It was an exciting trip, and I made lifelong friends long the way because in the end, that is what MiLB is all about.

What assurances can you give me that the Emeralds will be in good hands in Springfield, Oregon? This goes well beyond poachers taking pot shots at the beloved Squatch and Sluggo. What is your plan to provide an enduring home for the Emeralds so generations of future fans can enjoy professional baseball in the Emerald Valley? Sure, the gift of land is a wonderful start, but what is happening on your end to help promote the Emeralds on a national level to ensure the team becomes a travel destination of fans all across the minor league landscape? Hint: ensure the MiLB Hall of Fame is part of the stadium. The Federal and state government are much more likely to kick your city funds if a museum is involved.

And please tell me, Mr. Mayor, what does Springfield offer in terms of a historical theme for the new stadium? I must confess I have not been to Springfield much in my visits to Eugene, but I was denied entrance to the Roaring Rapids Pizza Company back in the very dark days of COVID. I also stayed at the TRU by Hilton, which may or may not be in Springfield, but the guys I drank with in that parking lot sure seemed to be, but they did not really offer me any other local information other than lumber, trains, and how the Emeralds’ old stadium burned down. I am facing a rare knowledge hole here beyond the television show, so any pertinent information you can share would be greatly appreciated.

Hey, do you have any idea on how to solve the homeless problem that affects your region? Rather than emulating most politicians who project false compassion, perhaps you can start with providing these human beings running, hot water instead of punitively denying basic needs in hopes the problem goes away. Or you can just slap a tent tax on the city, and send them to live by the freeway in Gresham. Your choice, Mr. Mayor.

Whoa, I did not mean to get so serious on what is essentially a social call. Let’s stay focused on the big prize, which is a new baseball stadium that will put your fine city on the map. I must say, your city’s Chamber of Commerce’s web page is excellent but it would really POP with some stadium pictures – pictures that include boatloads of people spending money.

I look forward to your future correspondence.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Thank you for your quick, professional response. If only other MiLB teams displayed this type of professionalism, well, I would have my Eugene Emeralds’ press pass by now. My financial advisor is thrilled to hear that this is indeed a money league. My advisor knows I am much more focused on a league when hard cash is on the line.

While you more than adequately answered my previous questions, I do feel I must clarify something. I do not want a merch store polo. Would you wear one of those? Of course not. Only a physical education teacher stuck in the 1990’s would wear one of those. Besides, while I am always concerned about conforming to current, accepted styles, I need the authentic front office polo to wear into other club’s front offices when I am on the road — a little first impression clout. I need the good stuff.

As for Jimmy’s Stuck, word on the mean streets of The Dino is that her dad did the heavy lifting last year. I have that dude’s kryptonite. One year quite some time ago, that dude experienced the greatest playoff upset in the history of fantasy football. People to this day set their alarms for the middle of the night to have some extra time just to wake up to laugh about it before they go back to sleep. That loss spawned a curse that carried over to multiple leagues, eventually making at least three of them defunct. All you have to do to neutralize Jimmy’s Stuck is utter, “Mike Houser. Mike Houser. Mike Houser.”

You might have notice I have a co-manager, Little Bads. He is around mainly because he is always flush with cash. However, he is also known to crunch numbers, and has his driver’s license now so he can drive the getaway car. Like many before him, he has donned the Bernie costume to entertain the home crowd. Did you know in the 2014, your first season with the 66ers, he snagged thirty-three foul balls at San Manuel Stadium? It was kind of a big deal at the time in Section 102. How many people in this league have donned the Bernie costume? That is a variety of sweat sources.

Hey, are you sure that there is no face to face plans for the draft? Your compatriots would not be excluding you, would they? “Sure, Jarret, we will see you online later. We are not going to Johnny Taco’s or anything for the draft. Good luck!” I am sure they would not do that. I am just trying to get in your head since we play each other in the seventh week. October 24th will be here before we know it.

It is probably not a very good idea for me to make any suggestions to Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] because every time I do, he gives a look that resembles what a cat falling in a bathtub has. I play him Week 2, so you might want to burn some victim time after that because he will certainly be grumpy after losing to me.

Anyway, I am sure I will have more questions in the upcoming days. It is nice to know the commissioner of this league is willing to listen. In the meantime, I need to prepare for the 66ers’ final home stand. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

As a well read man like yourself already knows, Thomas Wolfe once said you can never go home again. Well, Thomas Wolfe was wrong. Sometime you HAVE to go home again. While I was was out galavanting across MiLB parks this past July, the Low A West was withering on the vine in a California heat so fierce even the G Street Hobos went underground. My attention has been direly needed here, especially since Bongwater returned to the region. 

I am sure rumors have been circulating on your circuit about my absence. The bromance between Bads85 and Allan Benavides came to a crashing halt because PK Park has no freshly squeezed lemonade. Bads85 was called up to Double A and is wandering what used to be the Texas League. Bads85 has been sunning himself on Bill Gates’ yacht. Bad85 is playing his xylophone in a ska revival band at an all female cabaret. Bads85 went to Afghanistan to teach the Taliban the nuances of baseball. Sluggo shanked Bads85! I am sure as the Media Relations guy you had to deflect all these rumors, and for that I apologize, but such is the life of a young man climbing the minor league ladder. I am glad you have my back though. There is a bit of truth to that Sluggo rumor.

So this season is rapidly coming to an end as baseball seasons do, so it is time to start planning for our next great adventure: the Arizona Fall League. I think this 2021 season has shown that you Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds] is ready to run with the BIG DOGS, so you have been formally invited to Bads85’s Delicious 2021 AFL Adventure. Just get yourself to Redlands, California on October 27th, and I have you covered and will provide the material for your greatest game write-ups ever. Mark your calendar. Clear the dates. We will be bound for glory, drinking lightning from a jar.

Perhaps we should not get ahead of ourselves since you have one last road trip to Hillsboro. Hey, maybe on this trip you could get a read on the beer prices in Tonka Truck Stadium. If you are busy, just have that Mayor Steve guy track it down for you. We should have thought of that months ago. I mean, it is his job to serve the people. Perhaps he can bring you some nachos also. Do they serve tater tots there? They should as tater tots are little signs that the baseball gods are not always vengeful. Are the corndogs fresh, or do they taste like the industrial sludge found in the evenings at gas marts? Those taste like Thanos’s bum. I bet Mayor Lucy Vinis enjoys a fresh corn dog though.

Have you guys lines up a corporate sponsor for the new stadium yet? Dutch Brothers Stadium has a nice ring to it, but so does Bushmills’ Field. Mix the two, and we can have Irish Coffee Park! Pretty heady stuff, but that is just the way I roll. I bet the Rocket City Trash Pandas would appreciate my vision, probably even offer me a nice contract with full benefits — at least some professional looking business cards.

Irish Coffee Park should have a two story team floor with an ample supply of hoodies and team jerseys. Did you know that shot glasses have about a 600% return on investment, plus they never go out of style? Perhaps your organization should sell Official Emeralds’ Zip Ties and Garbage Bags for the smart shopper. I bet holiday inflatables of your mascots would be big sellers also. I know I would buy at least one.

Anyway, I have a big day tomorrow. Safe travels to Hillsboro. Tell Mayor Steve I send my best wishes. Tell the groundskeeper his field needs love.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Thank you for the invitation to the Inland Empire 66ers’ front office fantasy football league. Normally, I do not participate in non money leagues because I am all about the payouts, but I am making an exception this year because of all the spiritual wealth potential in this league. Also, I want to own a piece of Joe Hudson’s [General Manager; IE 66ers] soul at the season’s end. Since you are the commissioner, I will direct my questions directly to you instead of cluttering up the league message board.

1. Is the draft totally online, or are the cool people drafting in a suite at San Manuel Stadium? If we are drafting at San Manuel Stadium, will there be a parking fee? Or are we drafting at Joe Hudson’s house? If so, should I a bring a house gift, like a plant? Perhaps a cactus.
2. Is side betting allowed? I have heard that some degenerate gamblers work in that front office. I could use a little help paying for my children’s college expenses, but I would not want to overstep my bounds by offering cash bets for weekly performances. I would also love to win a 2018 California League All Star polo from someone.
3. Are you allowing weekly ties? I would strongly suggest any ties be decided by a round of Knockermosh.
4. Let’s talk about spiritual wealth bets proposals. I propose if I win the league (a very strong possibility), I should be awarded an official 66ers’ staff polo. If I do not win the league, my partner has to be Bernie during a high school showcase this offseason. Perhaps all members of the league should make their personal proposals. 
5. Are you people not the least embarrassed that Team Jimmy’s Stuck went 12-1 last year? I was reaching the Super Bowl in her dad’s league when she was still hitting home runs for Penn State University. Jimmy’s Stuck is a great fantasy football team name — I was at San Manuel Stadium the night Jimmy really was stuck. 
6. What are the chances that the winner of this league gets a banner in the outfield on the championship flag pole? Lord knows it will be a long time before an Angels’ farm team wins the Low A West. I do not think anyone would mind if our fantasy league could fly its own banner. Adam Franey is no longer around to break the pole.
7. What do you think of the idea of the weekly losers having to perform a tarp pull while the winners drink draft beer and heckle them? I believe it will bring cohesion and trust your front office.
8. Did you know that in the history of San Manuel Stadium, no player has ever hit a home run through that truck window in the outfield? An opposing player put one through on a ricochet off the side mirror. This is not league related, but just one of my random musings. 

Anyway, I have a money league draft in a bit, and I am the defending champion of that league. Perhaps you have heard the bar in my backyard is a premier place for leagues to watch games on Sundays. Everyone in this league is cordially invited. No crying when one loses though. My bar is often a place where grown ass adults suffer because their team shits the bed.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85