Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:
Thank you for the invitation to the Inland Empire 66ers’ front office fantasy football league. Normally, I do not participate in non money leagues because I am all about the payouts, but I am making an exception this year because of all the spiritual wealth potential in this league. Also, I want to own a piece of Joe Hudson’s [General Manager; IE 66ers] soul at the season’s end. Since you are the commissioner, I will direct my questions directly to you instead of cluttering up the league message board.
- Is the draft totally online, or are the cool people drafting in a suite at San Manuel Stadium? If we are drafting at San Manuel Stadium, will there be a parking fee? Or are we drafting at Joe Hudson’s house? If so, should I a bring a house gift, like a plant? Perhaps a cactus.
- Is side betting allowed? I have heard that some degenerate gamblers work in that front office. I could use a little help paying for my children’s college expenses, but I would not want to overstep my bounds by offering cash bets for weekly performances. I would also love to win a 2018 California League All Star polo from someone.
- Are you allowing weekly ties? I would strongly suggest any ties be decided by a round of Knockermosh.
- Let’s talk about spiritual wealth bets proposals. I propose if I win the league (a very strong possibility), I should be awarded an official 66ers’ staff polo. If I do not win the league, my partner has to be Bernie during a high school showcase this offseason. Perhaps all members of the league should make their personal proposals.
- Are you people not the least embarrassed that Team Jimmy’s Stuck went 12-1 last year? I was reaching the Super Bowl in her dad’s league when she was still hitting home runs for Penn State University. Jimmy’s Stuck is a great fantasy football team name — I was at San Manuel Stadium the night Jimmy really was stuck.
- What are the chances that the winner of this league gets a banner in the outfield on the championship flag pole? Lord knows it will be a long time before an Angels’ farm team wins the Low A West. I do not think anyone would mind if our fantasy league could fly its own banner. Adam Franey is no longer around to break the pole.
- What do you think of the idea of the weekly losers having to perform a tarp pull while the winners drink draft beer and heckle them? I believe it will bring cohesion and trust your front office.
- Did you know that in the history of San Manuel Stadium, no player has ever hit a home run through that truck window in the outfield? An opposing player put one through on a ricochet off the side mirror. This is not league related, but just one of my random musings.
Anyway, I have a money league draft in a bit, and I am the defending champion of that league. Perhaps you have heard the bar in my backyard is a premier place for leagues to watch games on Sundays. Everyone in this league is cordially invited. No crying when one loses though. My bar is often a place where grown ass adults suffer because their team shits the bed.
Your friend in baseball,