I Decide to Join the 66er’s Front Office Fantasy Football League

Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Thank you for the invitation to the Inland Empire 66ers’ front office fantasy football league. Normally, I do not participate in non money leagues because I am all about the payouts, but I am making an exception this year because of all the spiritual wealth potential in this league. Also, I want to own a piece of Joe Hudson’s [General Manager; IE 66ers] soul at the season’s end. Since you are the commissioner, I will direct my questions directly to you instead of cluttering up the league message board.

  1. Is the draft totally online, or are the cool people drafting in a suite at San Manuel Stadium? If we are drafting at San Manuel Stadium, will there be a parking fee? Or are we drafting at Joe Hudson’s house? If so, should I a bring a house gift, like a plant? Perhaps a cactus.
  2. Is side betting allowed? I have heard that some degenerate gamblers work in that front office. I could use a little help paying for my children’s college expenses, but I would not want to overstep my bounds by offering cash bets for weekly performances. I would also love to win a 2018 California League All Star polo from someone.
  3. Are you allowing weekly ties? I would strongly suggest any ties be decided by a round of Knockermosh.
  4. Let’s talk about spiritual wealth bets proposals. I propose if I win the league (a very strong possibility), I should be awarded an official 66ers’ staff polo. If I do not win the league, my partner has to be Bernie during a high school showcase this offseason. Perhaps all members of the league should make their personal proposals. 
  5. Are you people not the least embarrassed that Team Jimmy’s Stuck went 12-1 last year? I was reaching the Super Bowl in her dad’s league when she was still hitting home runs for Penn State University. Jimmy’s Stuck is a great fantasy football team name — I was at San Manuel Stadium the night Jimmy really was stuck. 
  6. What are the chances that the winner of this league gets a banner in the outfield on the championship flag pole? Lord knows it will be a long time before an Angels’ farm team wins the Low A West. I do not think anyone would mind if our fantasy league could fly its own banner. Adam Franey is no longer around to break the pole.
  7. What do you think of the idea of the weekly losers having to perform a tarp pull while the winners drink draft beer and heckle them? I believe it will bring cohesion and trust your front office.
  8. Did you know that in the history of San Manuel Stadium, no player has ever hit a home run through that truck window in the outfield? An opposing player put one through on a ricochet off the side mirror. This is not league related, but just one of my random musings. 

Anyway, I have a money league draft in a bit, and I am the defending champion of that league. Perhaps you have heard the bar in my backyard is a premier place for leagues to watch games on Sundays. Everyone in this league is cordially invited. No crying when one loses though. My bar is often a place where grown ass adults suffer because their team shits the bed.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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