Dear Kyle Day [General Manager; Spokane Indians]:
Good day, Sir. I will be traveling from Southern California to your somewhat famous stadium next week to wake in the High A West Championship Series in all its splendor. I was perusing your organization’s website as part of my exhaustive planning (as one of minor league baseball’s top ambassadors, I certainly understand the importance of logistics), and I have a few questions about your stadium rules. I do not want to get off on the wrong foot due to a simple misunderstanding.
- Just what is a manufactured diaper bag? I suppose I should be asking what is an unmanufactured diaper bag? I ask because I will be joining the Eugene Emeralds’ front office contingent making the trip, and fecal incontinence is no laughing matter when traveling with unfamiliar groups of people. It is all fun and games until someone shits their pants.
- What exactly is a clear bag? Say I take a one gallon freezer bag and put Squatch stickers all over it to help promote the Emeralds’ brand is that okay? I swear their will not be a flask of Knob Creek Maple Bourbon in there that would be passed around our section.
- Is a small xylophone considered an “excessive noisemaker”? If so, it will not be in the Squatch bag either.
- How do you define visibly obscene images? Is that not a judgment in the eye of the beholder thing? Say like with a San Francisco Giants’ logo, which most sane people find extremely offensive. However, there is a batshit crazy element of the human dregs on this planet who not only embrace the team, but proudly wear the logo. Same with the Hillsboro Hops. The mayor of that city actively campaigns against the Beer Batter. I guess what I am asking is who polices the police here?
- This is a very important question considering with whom I traveling. Will there be a Happy Hour for the playoff games?
- If all your tickets are digital, what is the need for Will Call?
- Does your mascot Recycle Man know that most recycled plastic end up dumped in the Pacific Ocean? If so, does he feel like a fraud?
Hey, I know this is your first High A Championship Series, so as a grizzled veteran of the California League I can help you progress on the learning curve. You see, Kyle, I am a giver. In case you do not know, it is common courtesy in High A ball to offer the visiting team’s front office staff a luxury suite for the playoffs. It is also customary for the home team to host the late night parties after the games. I know Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] would return the favor to your staff if the Ems’ were allowed to have home games in this series.
Another tradition in the High A post season is to invite minor league ambassadors like myself into your office for a tall bourbon. We can take a picture that will make Allan and Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] insanely jealous. It is rather cute how the constantly vie for my attention. I am sure you have heard by now that I am in the 66ers’ front office fantasy league and face Mr. Hudson this weekend in head to head competition. An immense amount of spiritual wealth is on the line in form of a wager.
Speaking of wagers, it is a High A Championship tradition that opposing GMs make some sort of bet also, something that usually represents each organization’s city. I am not sure what Spokane has to offer beyond property crime, but I bet you do. Speaking from experience here, you might want to refrain from betting interns because of the stickiness of current human trafficking laws.
If you have any further questions, feel free to reach out to me before my arrival on Tuesday. I am sure the inaugural High A West Championship Series will be one for the ages.
Your friend in baseball,