I Wish Allan A Happy Late Birthday

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

iI has been a while since my Mad Dash to Eugene in July, and Mayor Lucy Vina has refused to answer any of my missives, but my heart has not abandoned the Emeralds. I have just been busy, man. Real busy saving the Low A West, whose fans have not really come back from COVID. Plus, I had to chase glory on the golf course and start planning for college football tail gate parties. Did you know the Ducks play at UCLA this year? You should come down for the game and see me in my true element.

Rest assured, while I was away, I have not failed to come upon with some ideas for the new future. Remember that new stadium you are trying to get? It is my strong recommendation that the MiLB Hall of Fame and Museum be a part of that. This will make the new stadium a national tourist attraction, plus tax payers are more likely to approve funds if a museum is included. The museum and hall of fame will contain more than just players; it will include front office executives, announcers, mascots, groundskeepers, and of course, ambassadors. Maybe we could have a dinosaur museum too since kids love dinosaurs. And trains. Maybe we can have a locomotive on the premises.

And what would be better to greet the visitors of the MiLB Hall of Fame than a hologram of Bads85? Nothing, that is what. I regret I will cannot be there in person, but as you know, I am an accomplished traveler who spreads the good of the game wherever I go. Sure, in the offseason if would give me something better to do than just stare out the window waiting for the Cactus League to start.

Are you and your staff planning to attend the Cactus League this year? Perhaps you should ease into the debauchery with a trip to the Arizona Fall League this office, say Halloween weekend. Your staff do not really strike me as the trick or treating type, but they could always don a costume and walk the mean streets of Scottsdale scaring people. Maybe if you guys played your cards right, you could have with my crew that weekend. I can show you around. I am very well received in that city.

Did you guys ever install a freshly squeezed lemonade stand in PK Park? Lemonade from a box tastes like industrial sludge. This is not Short Season Ball anymore. Over the course of a 130 game season, fans need to hydrate, even the beer drinking crews. Good lemonade cuts through the heat and restores the body. Bad lemonade causes gas, and sporadic rectal bleeding.

I just realized I missed your birthday this month. I was just so caught up with Sluggo’s birthday celebration the same night that I forgot it was your birthday also. Imagine my embarrassment. It is like the time I wore my Fayetteville Woodpeckers jersey to a Down East Wood Ducks game — wait, I never did that, but let’s just pretend I did. I would have been a clown prince with big red shoes and a little Shriner Car. This like the the time I forgot my wedding anniversary — wait, I never did that either. You know what it is like — the time i started driving to Pittsburgh from Cleveland for a Pirates’ game when the Pirates were playing in Cincinnati, and I ended up at an Akron Aeros’ game. What a night that was! Anyway, I hope you had a swell birthday. Next 66ers’ home stand, we will lift some pints in your honor. Pints of Fireball!

Your friend in baseball,


PS: Boy Bands’ Night? Just hire me already.

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