Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:
Congratulations on your first week win in the Inland Empire 66ers Front Office League. Winning on the first week is an exhilarating feeling, and something half the league will never feel this season. Do not let anyone try to diminish your win by saying you played the team that scored the lowest point total of the week. A win is a win. Honestly though, this missive is not about you. It is about the epic match-up between Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] and myself.
Reverberations of this long awaited contest will echo throughout Minor League Baseball, all the way to the Hartford Yard Goats and down to the Myrtle Beach Pelicans. If GM Joe takes down Bads85, well, that is worth ten Golden Bobble Heads. If I win, well it is just another Executive of the Year for my collection. The was a great disturbance in The Force when I agreed to play in your league as certain organizations were crestfallen that I did not join their leagues. Reports of grown men openly weeping filled my inbox.
Having Bads85 is a MiLB front office league is quite the coup for the 66ers as it keeps the organization relevant through the bleak days of winter. It is pretty much the equivalent of having a billboard of the 66ers on Space Mountain at Disneyland. Your social media people should be all over this. I am pretty sure there are members of the Eugene Emeralds’ front office dying to crash this rapidly growing shindig, but lack the constitution to drive 1800 miles in a mad dash for glory.
There have been numerous inquiries across MiLB about the wager between Hudson and me. Are you two playing for Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]’s soul? Of course not. We already possess his heart. We do not need his soul. Others have asked if the position of Director of Promotions for the 66ers on the line. To be truthful, I am not sure what we are playing for yet as Mr. Hudson has made no overtures about a wager.
I do know that my bar is open to the 66ers’ staff this Sunday. Come early; stay late. As you have probably heard, get togethers at my house are very special, and certainly not for the meek I actually have two bars in my backyard because I built the second one in case I feel like going on a pub crawl. The only rule I have is no Rancho Cucamonga Quakes’ crust fuckers are allowed. Those people’s body oils wreak havoc with the pool filters. Maybe one of you can bring me my Cherubs’ jersey I won in the auction last week – and some 66ers shot glasses if any are still around. People swipe those from my house all the time because they are quite the status symbol.
Perhaps you can bring the hot dog launchers. I know GM Joe loves those things. We will let him fire stuff into my neighbor’s yard every time one of his players finds the endzone, which should not be that often because his team is going to shit the bed this week after than big offensive explosion last week. We can also play Sniper Dodgeball across the pool with the launchers while most of you guys wait and wait for your team to score. You should leave the knocker balls at San Manuel Stadium though. My rose garden will eat those up.
I just had an idea for a bet with GM Joe – if my team somehow scores fewer points than his this week, I will wear the Bacon costume to school for a day (I get to take it to the dry cleaners first though because I have seen who wears that). If I win, you and I get to design some new 66ers golf polos to sell in the Team Shop so the loyal fan base does not have to look like a troupe of hobos on the links. I will do all the work on this because I really want to look good. Perhaps I could design some new shot glasses also. Or many if I win, I get to run the 66ers’ Twitter account.
Anyway, I need to study the player pool as my waiver wire request was denied, given to some first week loser.
Your friend in baseball,