Dear Allan Benavides {General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
By now you have certainly heard the news that shook the foundation of Minor League Baseball: I am playing in the Inland Empire 66ers’ front office fantasy football league, and this week I play Joe Hudson [General Manager and two time Cal League Executive of the Year]. Much is at stake as Mr. Hudson is rumored to be a degenerate gambler, and he put a great deal of spiritual wealth on the line with a wager that his anemic team will score more points than my juggernaut team designed to steal my opponents’ souls. If his team wins, I must wear the bacon costume from the hot dog launch to work. If I win, I get to design new golf polos to be sold in the Team Store, plus I will be in charge of the 66ers’ Twitter account.
Yes, you read that correctly. Bads85 could be in charge of a MiLB Twitter account as early as next Tuesday. As you well know, this will change the face of social media in MiLB. Right now, there are quite a few sports management and mass communication grads that are whimpering in a fetal position in a dark room somewhere as they know there could be a new sheriff in town.
This missive is not entirely about me, however. It is about our great journey to Spokane next week for the High A West Championship Series. Rumor is that your are bringing much of your front office staff in a brisk seven hour dash across the wasteland of rural Washington. While I am excited to see your wonderful staff again. I must ask, “Are they emotionally ready for a High A Championship Series?” This is not some cuddly short season playoff matchup in which there are friendly mascot wars; LIVES ARE IN THE BALANCE next week. There are two types of fans in the High A Playoffs: the Quick and the Dead. Fortunately, I will be there for your staff because I am riding this train all the way to the end.
We should probably go over some basic ground rules to share with your staff:
- If the stadium has an organist, no applauding when she pauses.
- No one should be asking for receipts to take to their IRS audit.
- No paper towels in public toilets.
- No tapping stemware to see if it rings.
- Don’t ask what your country can do for you.
- Don’t leave long messages on voice mails.
- Don’t ask people how they got their limp.
- Don’t bite into a stadium delicacy, then say, “All the taste of butter without the calories.”
- Don’t forget to sign your Christmas cards.
- Don’t belabor a point,
- Don’t belabor a point.
You might be thinking, “Wow, Bads85. That is a great deal of mandates I thought you were footloose and fancy free, not some road trip control freak.” Let me remind you we live in a society, and societies have rules.
Anyway, I don’t have any really good looking, official looking Emeralds’ gear, just the stuff you guys sell at your hide a bed team shop. Maybe you could find a coupe nice polos around your office and bring them to Spokane so I don’t look like an unkempt slob. I, of course, will reimburse you for this expense. I am sure my Blockbuster video card is a fine way to settle any debts with you.
I need to get some sleep. I have a big weekend in store, plus I need to prepare some Tweets to release shortly after my impending victory.
Your friend in baseball,
Bads85
Dead Religions 