I Respond to Commissioner Jarret

Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Thank you for your quick, professional response. If only other MiLB teams displayed this type of professionalism, well, I would have my Eugene Emeralds’ press pass by now. My financial advisor is thrilled to hear that this is indeed a money league. My advisor knows I am much more focused on a league when hard cash is on the line.

While you more than adequately answered my previous questions, I do feel I must clarify something. I do not want a merch store polo. Would you wear one of those? Of course not. Only a physical education teacher stuck in the 1990’s would wear one of those. Besides, while I am always concerned about conforming to current, accepted styles, I need the authentic front office polo to wear into other club’s front offices when I am on the road — a little first impression clout. I need the good stuff.

As for Jimmy’s Stuck, word on the mean streets of The Dino is that her dad did the heavy lifting last year. I have that dude’s kryptonite. One year quite some time ago, that dude experienced the greatest playoff upset in the history of fantasy football. People to this day set their alarms for the middle of the night to have some extra time just to wake up to laugh about it before they go back to sleep. That loss spawned a curse that carried over to multiple leagues, eventually making at least three of them defunct. All you have to do to neutralize Jimmy’s Stuck is utter, “Mike Houser. Mike Houser. Mike Houser.”

You might have notice I have a co-manager, Little Bads. He is around mainly because he is always flush with cash. However, he is also known to crunch numbers, and has his driver’s license now so he can drive the getaway car. Like many before him, he has donned the Bernie costume to entertain the home crowd. Did you know in the 2014, your first season with the 66ers, he snagged thirty-three foul balls at San Manuel Stadium? It was kind of a big deal at the time in Section 102. How many people in this league have donned the Bernie costume? That is a variety of sweat sources.

Hey, are you sure that there is no face to face plans for the draft? Your compatriots would not be excluding you, would they? “Sure, Jarret, we will see you online later. We are not going to Johnny Taco’s or anything for the draft. Good luck!” I am sure they would not do that. I am just trying to get in your head since we play each other in the seventh week. October 24th will be here before we know it.

It is probably not a very good idea for me to make any suggestions to Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] because every time I do, he gives a look that resembles what a cat falling in a bathtub has. I play him Week 2, so you might want to burn some victim time after that because he will certainly be grumpy after losing to me.

Anyway, I am sure I will have more questions in the upcoming days. It is nice to know the commissioner of this league is willing to listen. In the meantime, I need to prepare for the 66ers’ final home stand. 

Your friend in baseball,


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