Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:
As a well read man like yourself already knows, Thomas Wolfe once said you can never go home again. Well, Thomas Wolfe was wrong. Sometime you HAVE to go home again. While I was was out galavanting across MiLB parks this past July, the Low A West was withering on the vine in a California heat so fierce even the G Street Hobos went underground. My attention has been direly needed here, especially since Bongwater returned to the region.
I am sure rumors have been circulating on your circuit about my absence. The bromance between Bads85 and Allan Benavides came to a crashing halt because PK Park has no freshly squeezed lemonade. Bads85 was called up to Double A and is wandering what used to be the Texas League. Bads85 has been sunning himself on Bill Gates’ yacht. Bad85 is playing his xylophone in a ska revival band at an all female cabaret. Bads85 went to Afghanistan to teach the Taliban the nuances of baseball. Sluggo shanked Bads85! I am sure as the Media Relations guy you had to deflect all these rumors, and for that I apologize, but such is the life of a young man climbing the minor league ladder. I am glad you have my back though. There is a bit of truth to that Sluggo rumor.
So this season is rapidly coming to an end as baseball seasons do, so it is time to start planning for our next great adventure: the Arizona Fall League. I think this 2021 season has shown that you Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds] is ready to run with the BIG DOGS, so you have been formally invited to Bads85’s Delicious 2021 AFL Adventure. Just get yourself to Redlands, California on October 27th, and I have you covered and will provide the material for your greatest game write-ups ever. Mark your calendar. Clear the dates. We will be bound for glory, drinking lightning from a jar.
Perhaps we should not get ahead of ourselves since you have one last road trip to Hillsboro. Hey, maybe on this trip you could get a read on the beer prices in Tonka Truck Stadium. If you are busy, just have that Mayor Steve guy track it down for you. We should have thought of that months ago. I mean, it is his job to serve the people. Perhaps he can bring you some nachos also. Do they serve tater tots there? They should as tater tots are little signs that the baseball gods are not always vengeful. Are the corndogs fresh, or do they taste like the industrial sludge found in the evenings at gas marts? Those taste like Thanos’s bum. I bet Mayor Lucy Vinis enjoys a fresh corn dog though.
Have you guys lines up a corporate sponsor for the new stadium yet? Dutch Brothers Stadium has a nice ring to it, but so does Bushmills’ Field. Mix the two, and we can have Irish Coffee Park! Pretty heady stuff, but that is just the way I roll. I bet the Rocket City Trash Pandas would appreciate my vision, probably even offer me a nice contract with full benefits — at least some professional looking business cards.
Irish Coffee Park should have a two story team floor with an ample supply of hoodies and team jerseys. Did you know that shot glasses have about a 600% return on investment, plus they never go out of style? Perhaps your organization should sell Official Emeralds’ Zip Ties and Garbage Bags for the smart shopper. I bet holiday inflatables of your mascots would be big sellers also. I know I would buy at least one.
Anyway, I have a big day tomorrow. Safe travels to Hillsboro. Tell Mayor Steve I send my best wishes. Tell the groundskeeper his field needs love.
Your friend in baseball,