Dear Gina Giesseman [Partner Service Coordinator; Spokane Indians]:
Hello! I am very excited to be traveling from Southern California for the High A West Championship next week. The last time I was in Spokane, I witnessed a gun battle between local law enforcement officers and some ruffians at a McDonald’s, which sort of soured my view of the city, and the Quarter Pounder with Cheese I had been eating. I have been assured by reputable people that Spokane is a wonderful city, so I am hoping to symbolically cleanse my palate with this trip.
I will be meeting a contingent of the Eugene Emeralds’ front office. You see, I write baseball humor pieces for them because Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] is a man of great taste and vision, and thinks my pieces are funny. Well, he used to when he bothered to read them. He does not read them anymore because he is a busy man trying to secure a new stadium for the Emeralds. He just gives me free reign about what I write because our relationship was founded on a deep trust, although I have to be careful what I say to local politicians, especially Eugene Mayor Lucy Vinis.
I have a special request I hope you can help me with. I would like to throw out a ceremonial first pitch before one of the first three games of the series. I have great practice at this as I have thrown out first pitches for the Inland Empire 66ers, Down East Wood Ducks, Myrtle Beach Pelicans, Eugene Emeralds, and probably a couple or teams I am forgetting. I am one of Minor League Baseball’s greatest ambassadors and travel from park to park across the land. You might have heard of me as I am kind of a big deal on certain minor league circuits. Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] gave me a stack of official business cards to solidify my credentials.
I am asking to throw out the first pitch because the Emeralds’ front office staff wuld be quite astounded if suddenly Bads85 was on the field tossing the rawhide to the catcher. I am trying to convince the staff that they need to expand their brand beyond Lane County, Oregon, but provincialism often takes time to overcome. Tossing out the first pitch would expedite matters greatly. I promise I will not drill the mascot, or launch a ball into the stands as I respect the game too much for those shenanigans, plus I am too old to outrun stadium security these days.
You might be asking what is in this for my organization, and the answer is my eternal gratitude, which is essentially priceless. Also, this will be all over social media outlets, so the Spokane Indians will be getting free facetime with the one and only Bads85. You may have heard that I am poised to become the dude in charge of the Inland Empire 66ers Twitter account once my fantasy football team defeats Joe Hudson’s team this week in one of the most anticipated matchups in, well, forever.
Having me throw out the first pitch would be quite the coup your organization. Just ask Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] what can happen if I throw out a first pitch. He was just a general manager before I traveled to Kinston, North Carolina. Now he is a minor deity.
I have also been known to raise money for the charities of organizations I favor. For example, I raised $1,900 in twenty-four hours for an Ems’ charity this summer. Since we are at the season’s end, I cannot do much for your organization at this time, but Sandpoint, Idaho is one of my target retirement spots, so who know what can happen down the road. Your organization could play a big part in my retirement plans. I hope the restrooms in Avista Stadium are spotless next week.
I hope to see you next week. If I have a flask in my hand, someone else from my group brought it in.
Your friend in baseball,
Bads85
PS: Did I mention I bleed Dodger Blue?
Dead Religions 