I Respond to Kyle

Dear Kyle Day {General Manager; Spokane Indians]:

Thank you for the best response I have ever received from a minor league front office executive. I do think you misunderstand one important matter though. As one of the most prolific minor league baseball ambassadors, I do not take sides in post season matchups, except when my beloved Inland Empire 66ers qualify for the post season, which has not happened in seven years.

I am like Switzerland, except with F-16 nuclear strike capability (figuratively speaking of course. Having a real F-16 would probably violate your stringent “No Weapons” policy). I like to think of myself as a representative of all of the High A West organizations, except for the Hillsboro Hops because of the poor turf conditions at Tonka Truck Field, and that team in Pasco with disgusting logo that looks like something left in an airport toilet. While I may shoplift Emeralds’ gear from their team store, my rooting loyalties are not partisan – unless I am drinking on Allan Benavides’ tab.

Please allow me a quick request before I continue with my response. It would be a TOTAL BOSS move if you allowed me to throw out a ceremonial first pitch in one of the games this week, The shock on Allan’s face would ignite social media. I apologize for the late request, but I did reach out to one of your staff last week. She probably thought I was some sort of a loon as I used my personal email. I promise I will not drill your mascot with my pitch.

Thank you for answering my questions, especially the diaper bag one. I will make sure the Ems’ staff does not try to bring in an unmanufactured diaper bag. I am sure you will feel better knowing that I left the small xylophone at home because airport security is usually suspicious of a grown ass man having a small xylophone in his computer bag. I will have you know I would have had no problem getting it past security though as I am an outlaw.

I have three children, all grown. My youngest works for the 66ers. Some children grow up to attend Ivy League schools. My son gets to dress up as bacon for the Hotdog Launch, meaning I win at parenting. I do not know what Joe Hudson [General Manager; IE 66ers] will do next year when my son leaves for college – probably hire a replacement at a lower wage.

I am not an Oregon Ducks’ fan, which means our similarity score continues to rise. I do think you are being unduly harsh in regards to Allan’s face. Sure he does not have any chiseled jawline, but it is a face of a man you can trust… to pull a prank on you at any given moment.

Kyle, Happy Hour always deserves further explanation. That is a rookie mistake. If we are going to be having drinks together, do not be a Newb in High A Ball. Does your Happy Hour include a full service bar? If so, how high does the top shelf go? Do you have beers on tap, or do we have to drink beer out of cans like savages? Are there snacks? Say like pretzels?

I am willing to have an open mind about Recycleman, mainly because he is bigger than me. Compost Corner sounds like an ecological disaster in Pasco though. As yes, I beat Mr. Hudson in fantasy football this week. It was a nail biter that went down to Monday night. Had his tight end caught five touchdown passes and my running back fumbled fourteen times, he might have pulled with ten points of me. Instead, I won by about seventy points.

Anyway, the plane is supposed to land soon. I look forward to meeting you soon. I do have one last question. Is your stadium in Spokane or Spokane Valley? There seems to be some confusion.

Your friend in baseball,


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