Dead Religions

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Good to hear from you, Rock. I must say, I was a bit disappointed that I was not invited to the California League meetings this week, being the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador, but then I saw it was in Visalia, and I was thankful. Do they still have a tattoo parlor at Rawhide Park? Nothing succinctly defines the city quite like that. “Come for the game; go home with ‘Mom’ on your bicep.” I am sorry you had to venture to that agricultural mecca, but I am sure Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] awarded you combat pay after giving his staff a rousing inspirational speech. At least you did not have to go to Modesto.

I am not really surprised my named came up at the Cal League meetings as I am kind of a big deal. I would have loved to see the expression on GM Joe’s face if he were around. I would guess Taylor McCarthy [General Manager; Stockton Ports] dropped my name. Word on the street is he is going to give me a 2020 California League All Star polo. I am glad Taylor had the opportunity do slam some SHOTS! with the 66ers’ front office. I hope everyone handled their liquor well as I have a reputation to maintain. Did you happen to ask Taylor how is organization sells so many tickets on Mondays — like almost 1,000 more a game than the 66ers? I bet the answer is BEER DISCOUNTS.

Were any Rancho Cucamonga Quakes’ execs around when my name came up? You might find this hard to believe, but I do not get along with those people. Did you know I purchased a mini plan from them last season just so they had to call me a season ticket holder? I only went to a few of the games because they are Professional Sports Catering chumps, meaning the concession lines stretch to West Covina, as if the stadium is not claustrophobic enough. Did you know that most of their full season ticket holders are convicted white collar felons? This year and every year forward they will have to call me “former season ticket holder.”

Did they give you guys donuts in the morning as you sat in the meetings? I saw some pictures on social media of the Eastern League meetings, hosted by the Hartford Yard Goats who play at Dunkin Donut Park, and there were no donuts. I mean, just what the fuck is that? Donuts and minor league baseball meetings are a holy marriage of everything that is good in this world. Not having donuts at these meetings is an affront to the baseball gods. If the Rawhide did not serve you guys good donuts, I will have to have a frank discussion with Jennifer Reynolds [General Manager; Visalia Rawhide]. We are not simple savages in the California League, and those who came before us sacrificed too much to forgo donuts at League meetings. Never forget, Rock, never forget.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

Hello, Ryan, it is your good pal, Bads85. I can see by your lack of a response so far that you are one of those minor league executives that absorbs a great deal of knowledge before offering opinions. Perhaps you have asked Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] about me as he and I are pretty tight after all that went down in the Carolina League last season — not quite fox hole buddy tight, but definitely exchange Christmas cards tight. Wade would probably tell you that I am the type of individual who puts outs fires before they even start, which is why I am more than just a minor league ambassador. 

This putting out the fires thing is why I am writing you today. Someone in your organization posted the following job at on social media: “We’re looking for the next wave of young sports professionals to hire as seasonal assistants! Departments hiring include promo/marketing, operations, sales, food and beverage, and merch.” That is ageism, plain and simple, Ryan. There are mad dog lawyers that would immediately start foaming at the mouth if they came across that. What about wizened sports professionals? Put a mic in my hand, and I would get the crowd shaking the foundation of TicketReturn.com Field at Pelicans Ballpark every night. 

Please understand I am not looking for a job within your organization (unless it was a remote  assistant general manager position where I could work from home). Instead, I am trying to stave off trouble for your organization because the Carolina League can ill afford any bad press. The solution is simple —- change the “young” to “eager”, and you are good to go. I just saved your organization a fortune in lawyer fees. I do not desire any compensation for those because I am a giver, but if you were to send me a Palmetto State Cap, I would wear it to Disneyland. Maybe even to the Cactus League next spring.

I just saw on your Twitter feed that you are auctioning off Tony LaRussa. I am pretty sure that is illegal, Ryan. Have you drug tested the person in charge of your Twitter feed? Slavery was outlawed many years ago after a bitter war. That certainly seems to be inviting some legal issues for a minimal increase in ticket sales. At best, that is false advertising. 

Hey, let’s just say that you offered me that remote assistant general manager position. What do you think would be the first tast you gave me? I bet it would be to fix your Copa de la Diversion logo as those Pelicano caps look more like Indy 500 merchandise than a true Copa identity. Maybe you should go with the idea that I pitched to the Woodpeckers: The Águilas Aztecas (Aztec Eagles], which were the Mexican 201st Fighter Squadron that flew P-47 Thunderbolts in World War Two in the Pacific Theater. They were not too keen on the idea because the top brass there are very conservative with their brand.

I need to get some sleep because my body is still not right from the Arizona Fall League trip last weekend — one of my crew was rushed to the hospital before we even left. It was that type of weekend.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

I was perusing your organization’s Twitter feed to see if the Pelicans were still licking their wounds after losing a Golden Bobblehead to something called the Udder Tuggers, and it warmed my heart to see your social media was showing no ill effects of what had to be the most humiliating moment in the organization’s history. However, I came across the little hot dog tweet, and now I am wondering if there is seriously something wrong with your organization. The hot dog in the picture cannot be over six inches long. Do you serve dogs this size at your concessions stands, or did you just send an intern down the local Aldi to get the cheapest package possible?

Perhaps down there in South Carolina, your organization can fool the fans into thinking that dog is eight or nine inches, but that wiener is a length that only very small hands can enjoy. I am not even sure it is beef — it could very well be chicken or pork. I see at one point your Ring of Fire served turkey dogs, which just must make Little Baby Jesus cry. Do you serve Play Dough treats also? “Hey kids, this is not that bad for you! It tastes terrible, but you can mold it before you eat it!”

I mean, the only good thing about that hot dog in the picture is that is does not look boiled. However, it obviously did not touch a flame for any significant amount of time, so I am starting to wonder just what other crimes against humanity your organization has committed. You guys are a Cubs’ affiliate so you should know better. And the bun. Oh lord, the bun. Starving hobos would not touch that thing. There is a thumb print in it, indicating is almost certainly stale! What sort of depraved cretins would dumpster dive for something like that, and then throw it out on social media?

Now I am not sort of some food fascist on the internet, demanding everyone’s food preference be the same as mine. I think everyone should enjoy their hot dogs as how they see fit and not be pressured by regional cuisines or locked into rigid tradition. Why some games I enjoy a Sonoran Dog, which is one of the greatest culinary treats a person can have at the Cactus League. Other days, I long for a bacon wrapped hot dog slathered in peppers. Sometimes, I just want mustard. Somedays, I want a ham sandwich. Sometimes I get a craving for burritos.

What I do find outrageous in when is when customers are subjected to inferior food, especially hot dogs. In the year 2019, serving an inferior hot dog is a conscious choice, a silent “Fuck you!” to the loyal fan. Deep in my heart, I believe your organization is better than this, and this hot dog photo fiasco was just a learning experience for an inexperienced employee worried more about speed than presentation. Any organization that is having a Trick or Treat Thirsty Thursday on October 24^th while offering $1.00 beers must have a great deal of redeeming qualities,

However, as a minor league ambassador, I implore your organization to do better with hot dog presentation. Hot dogs are a symbol of American fortitude, so when you are careless with hot dog imagery, well, you are shitting all over the United States. Lives are in the balance, Ryan. Do not fail our country. Ensure that Obi Wan Kenobi did not die in vain.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

At this time, I plan to attend the 66ers Season Ticket Holders’ World Series party on October 22^nd . As you well know though, I am a very busy man who is in high demand, so my tentative plans are often subject to change. However, I really want to hang out at The Garage one last time before winter tries to crush our souls. I do have a few questions though – and suggestions because I am a giver.

1. Just what do you mean by light snacks? Chips in little baggies? Homemade cookies? Spinach dip? Con queso dip? Greek yogurt? Apple slices with peanut butter? Cottage cheese with flax seeds and cinnamon? Pickled eggs? Celery sticks with cream cheese? Cranberry chocolate trail mix?
2. Will you have someone monitoring the snack distribution? During the season end barbecue, some assholes dumped all the cookies into their personal backpacks. Others tried to take home cases of soda. Now I am all about sharing, and really not into cookies anyway, but we live in a society with rules, and when people violate these rules, society suffers.
3. Will the new assistant general manager be there? I want to make a good first impression.
4. How many potential “future season ticketholders” can I bring? We are not coming for the tacos; we are coming for the booze. And Bernie. But not that Slick guy. We want him dead.
5. Any chance the TVs in the bar will be upgraded? TVs are unbelievably cheap these days. Maybe Joe can send the new assistant GM down to get some at Best Buy.
6. Will there be drink specials? Maybe you organization should pick a Beer Batter on both teams. Maybe offer some shot specials also. The bar will be fully stocked with Fireball, right?
7. Will Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] be allowing the employees under his tender care to drink? I heard Anna Forslin [Promotions Manager] likes to slam shots, and I know Hollee Haines [Director of Group Sales] does. I bet you do too, Rock.
8. What are the chances that the cool season ticket holders (like me) get to head up to the luxury suites to watch the game with the cool front office execs (like you) and leave the peasants behind, especially the unbathed in Section 102? I have to sit next to those people all season long.
9. If this is a success, what are the chances the 66ers start doing this for big college football games? I mean, I probably will not show up for those because I have my own college football crew, but events at San Manuel Stadium are important for the city’s economic growth. Maybe you guys could throw some season ticket holder potlucks, especially on weekends I know I will be out of town.
10. When are you getting married? I still have not received an invitation yet, so I guess the more pertinent question is where you are getting married so I can crash the festivities. Technically, I am an ordained minister, so if you need someone to administer the ceremony, I could probably step in as long as I am in town that weekend.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Anna Forslin {Promotions Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I am glad you returned safely from the MiLN Innovators’ Summit in El Paso… with a new title! Promotions Manager! I hope a hefty salary increase came with that because you certainly earned it putting up with the likes of me. You probably should inform your IT people that the 66er’s website needs to be updated to reflect your title change, which still lists you as [Corporate Sales Coordinator]. Your email link does not work either, which is why I had not sent you a missive earlier. Did you get your new business cards yet? I do not have to tell just how important those are. 

I am ecstatic to hear you were drinking shots in El Paso (in my circle, we refer to them as SHOTS!). I think that pretty much means I am now your unofficial assistant. I think our goal for the upcoming season should be to sweep the Golden Bobbleheads. I mean, we certainly can come up with some better than the Udder Tuggers, or some lame Teacher Appreciation Night from a Florida State League team who drew less than 900 fans for their promotion. As you have probably figured out by now, I am an idea guy. 

I still think Bernie and I should race the bases, but for once Bernie gets to win as I wonder into the outfield, doing my little dance that touches the people’s hearts. Bernie can train all winter for this race, creating easy video content for your social media outlets. I will even allow your organization to use my likeness in these videos as I say deeply profound things about modern culture. 

Did Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers] tell you about my catchy slogan for Thirsty Thursdays next season? Don’t Forget the Nights That Haven’t Happened Yet. That is so good we could easily expand it for the entire season. I am sure it would sell a great many t-shirts. We probably should get that copyrighted before the tattoo parlors snake it out from underneath us.

The Community Promotion or Event should be your first Golden Bobblehead target. I would suggest something with hobos as they are plentiful around the stadium and a topic the national media will quickly embrace. Soup Kitchen Sundays have a wonderful ring with all volunteers getting free admission to the stadium. Not only will the 66ers feed the homeless, but Sunday’s sagging attendance numbers will get a boost. Perhaps set up some mobile showers in the parking lot, and Bernie can pose with the freshly scrubbed winos whose ruddy cheeks will glisten in the gentle California sun. Or the 66ers could just do something with local schools or a hospital.

I am saddened that you did not get to meet Tom Baxter [Fundraising and Community Engagement Manager; Hartford Yard Goats], who has the greatest hair in any front office in minor league baseball. He cut his teeth at San Manuel Stadium back in 2008. This means he worked alongside General Manager Joe Hudson before GM Joe was even an assistant GM. I wonder if their relationship was warm, or that of a bitter rivalry. Perhaps they even stay in touch today, even exchanging Christmas cards. I do not remember Tom’s tenure then, so he obviously was not a big deal yet. We all knew Joe was destined for greatness though. 

Speaking of GM Joe, I have a wonderful bobblehead idea. On Opening Night 2020, the 66ers should have a Mystery Bobblehead for the first 1500 fans through the gate. We will let GM Joe think it is Mike Trout Fly Fisherman Night all during the offseason, but on Opening Night, GM Joe Executive of the Year Bobbleheads presented by Bads85 will be distributed at the front gate. Imagine the look of surprise on his face that night! Oh he might be a little bit upset because of his profound modesty, but that will pass. Before we make this a reality, just what is the cost for 1500 custom bobbleheads?

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Another possible slogan: In This Moment We Can Live A Lifetime Here!

Dear Mike Abramson [General Manager; Hartford Yard Goats]:

Hello! I hope your little golf soiree went well this weekend as the city of Hartford certainly could use additional revenues from Dunkin Donuts Park to pay down the construction loans quicker. You might be wondering why does this Bads85 guy keep writing me when I never respond to his wonderful missives in hopes that he will just go way. Well, Mike, let me explain how this works. Winter is a hardship for the wizened minor league ambassadors, so we have to figure out a way to get to Spring Training without losing our minds. Some guys just sin in the living room, staring out the window. Other guys embark on crime sprees. Me, I write minor league executives to share oral tradition about tales of the road. I am Ulysses S. Grant at Galena; I need a new war. 

Your organizations was fortunate enough to attract my attention for a variety of reasons, mainly its adept use of social media, plus that old Hartford Whalers Zamboni you have. In sort, you pretty much hit the lottery because of my great spiritual wealth and knowledge of minor league baseball. Even if you never respond, I can already feel our bond strengthening. Not to sound ominous or anything, but the last organization that decided to ignore my missives experienced massive floods on the Mississippi this past season and had to play most of the first half of the season on the road. I really had no control over that, but the baseball gods work in mysteriously ways. I think my good friend Wade Howell [Vice President, Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] summed it up best when he said, “Shit, I sure as hell would have you writing letters to us instead of about us.”

So what are the plans for that Whalers’ Zamboni? I hope you are hiring the best people to restore it to its former glory. As I am sure you know, a Zamboni is a special vehicle that is a portal to the soul of the community. They also offer a wealth of promotional ideas. Your organization can have the mascots, Chompers and Chew Chew race it between innings while lucky little children whose parents dropped down a ten spot can ride and wave to the crowd. If your organization were really motivated, it could procure another Zamboni and could could have jousting contests in the concourse between innings. 

I am sure as we trudge through winter we can brainstorm all sorts of other ways to make money of the Zamboni while creating memories, but we really need to talk about your mascots. Just what look were you guys going for with those things? If creepy, disturbing, and sure to leave emotional scars on children was the goal, well, you guys nailed it. How many children who frequents your games have nightmares about flannel and polka dotted furry monsters living their beds? I mean, these two are American Gothic on acid, or Norman Rockwell on ‘shrooms. I know mascot costumes are very expensive, so you do not need to relegate them to the trash heap, just dress them better. I would suggest railroad garb. Children trust a conductor and love trains.

It gets late early out here so I better wrap this up. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

I saw your organization recently failed to capture the Golden Bobblehead Award for Best Overall Promotion at the Minor League Baseball Innovators’ Summit this past week in El Paso. Your organization’s Kentucky Derby Theme Night at the Ballpark lost to a promotion called “Salute to Cows, featuring Udder Tuggers” created by the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers. As a grizzled minor league veteran, I can tell you the shame of losing to something with “Udder Tugger” in the moniker will follow you to the grave. I mean, there is just no sugar coating this. Despite your rather excessive politicking at the Summit, your organization will always be known as the people who lost to the Udder Tuggers.

You might be wondering, “Just who the hell is this guy?” Or perhaps you have heard of me. I was sort of a big splash in the Carolina League this past season, being a smoke jumper in the devil’s arcade and minor league ambassador. Whatever the case, I can tell you who I am definitely not — the guy who lost to the Udder Tuggers. I did throw out a first pitch in Kinston this past season at the personal request of Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads}. My traveling crew drank the bar dry at the AEVEX Veterans; Suite at Segra Stadium upon the invitation from Austin Schwartz [Vice President; Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]. 

I chased carnies away from Allen Lawrence’s [Interim General Manager; Salem Beer Mongers] car at Haley Toyota Stadium, and searched for a missing Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks] on a late June night at Daniel Frawley Stadium. I did not make it to Myrtle Beach this past season because of the high crime rates in that little tourist town, plus I wanted to see the Columbia Firefly’s terrific park. I am probably most famous for being the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the Inland Empire 66ers and the unofficial special assistant to their renown general manager, Joe Hudson. I was also a Celebrity Judge for some sort of burrito truck throw down. You can check my bones fides with Wade — he will probably use terms like “Foxhole Buddy” and “Kindred Soul Cut From the Same Cloth”.

But enough about me — this missive is about your organization losing to the Udder Tuggers. I am here to offer advice about how to cope with this humiliation and most importantly, how to prevent this from happening again in the near future while restoring your reputation and dignity. I know you are hurting now, bit my sage advice can get you through these dark days.You are not familiar with me, but I am a giver. Dealing with the humiliation is easy — start drinking now and do not stop until Presidents’ Day. Stick with the hard stuff to really numb the pain. 

I saw that your organization tried to bribe the voting population with mint juleps at the Summit. While your intentions were good, that was a rookie mistake. No one really likes mint juleps, Ryan. They taste like crystalized sugar poured over dog turds, making them very hard to swallow. Sure, once of year, a bunch of novice drinkers feel compelled to adopt an odd Louisville tradition in which sugar ruins perfectly good bourbon, but that is not a winning bribing strategy. The proper drink in this case would have been Fireball shots — the perfect breakfast complement. I assure you that Fireball has become of staple of the Kentucky Derby in recent years, especially now that Hunter S. Thompson is dead. More importantly, minor league executive would rather slam those than drink fu-fu juleps, and after a few shots, you have captured their hearts and minds, which is what minor league promotions are all about. 

I must say, your argyle jerseys for the promotion were extremely crisp. Those pastels popped, and they truly were one of the best alternative uniforms through the minors all season. That being said, the promotion only drew just a shade over 2,000 fans for a Friday night, certainly one of your lower Friday nights at the gate. In comparison, the Udder Tuggers drew almost as many as three times the gate your promotion did. I would suggest coupling this with a giveaway night — perhaps a bobblehead of the mayor of Myrtle Beach dressed in a jockey outfit, sponsored by Ocean Creek Resort. This will get the city dignitaries in attendance, along with all their flunkies all dressed in seer sucker suits. 

Have you ever wondered how flammable seer sucker material ls? Me neither. However, had you wrapped some of those Udder Tugger stuffed toys in seer sucker, then applied a blowtorch, you would have been sending a strong message to the voters and the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers. Instead, you had poor Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] ride around the stage on some dude in a horse costume. Retaining one’s dignity in the minor leagues is important. Without dignity, it is easy to become the Winston-Salem Dash, a team with a horrible nickname and an overtly phallic team logo. However, even the Dash have not lost a Golden Bobblehead to the Udder Tuggers.

Anyway, chin up, Buckaroo. This is just a temporary setback, and it is not as if this will affect your ongoing stadium lease negotiations with the city. More importantly, you have not contracted your concessions to Professional Sports Catering, so you still retain your soul.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Anna Forslin [Corporate Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:

My sources in El Paso, Texas inform me that you are attending the Minor League Baseball Innovators’ Summit this week. I hope you are prepared for the savagery that is sure to ensue. I have met many of the attendees, and they enjoy drinking tequila through straight through their eyeballs, claiming they love the rush when the liquor hits the optic nerve. Many of these people are in the profession because they failed to uphold the morality clause in public education. If things get too overwhelming, just ask yourself what Bads85 would do. Hint: SHOTS!

I had originally planned to crash the summit to mingle with my peeps, but I was leery of stealing the thunder of the presenters. Most of the degenerates attending would skip the workshops for a chance to hang out at the bar with Bads85, and I am sure Tom Restall [President; Hartford Yard Goats] spent a great deal of time preparing his presentation about banning peanuts from his ballpark, and it would be embarrassing for him if only representatives from his organization were in attendance. And everyone should see JD Davis [Director of Marketing; Corpus Christie Hooks] talk about vertical video because the year 2019, there are still people who hold their cell phones incorrectly.

Do not be surprised if representatives from other teams approach you to ask about me. As you know, I am kind of a big deal, and these people do not have the good fortune of Bads85 in their stadium for most home games. They most certainly want to know how I behave in normal social circles. Feel free to tell them the truth: that my larger than life persona radiates even more in the flesh than on the page. 

Hey, you should really attend the“FUN (Eff Up Nights) Sharing: Learning From and Laughing at Failures and Mistakes” presented by Chris Dillon [Director of Promotions & Community Relations Hickory Crawdads]. Tell him that in San Bernardino failure means death, so failure in not an option. Mistakes are things created by the morally weak and the intellectually feeble. 

If you see Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks], tell he still owes me a Whit Goodman Bobblehead. He might to try to weasel his way out of it, saying I did not fulfill the terms of our agreement, but I did attend a game last summer at Daniel S. Frawley Stadium. It was not my fault he was already passed out under his desk by time I came through the gates in the fifth inning. 

You will probably run into some of the Fayetteville Woodpeckers’ crew. Remember, I drank with royalty in their executive suite, but the top brass might still be a little sore that I hired a local design artist in Fayetteville to create the now famous “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” t-shirts that are all the rage in North Carolina now. Have GM Joe give Mark Zarther [President; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] a good natured noogie as Mark has quite the mane on his diminutive frame. If Austin Schwartz [Vice President; Sales& Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] or Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing and Communications; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] are there, well, hoist a few glasses in the air with those fine gentlemen.

Speaking of magnificent hair, you must get a picture with Tom Baxter [Manager of Fundraising & Community Engagement; Hartford Yard Goats]. The man has the finest hair in all of baseball.

Enjoy your time in El Paso, and know that I already have a few promotions cooking back in the Inland Empire. VSCO GIRLS FOREVER NIGHT!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Look for some great polo designs!

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

It was good to hear from you, Rock. I thought maybe Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] had you chained to a wall in the visitor’s locker room because he is upset about being in last in the California League for Monday ticket sales. Let me say this one more time: the 66ers need a better promotion than Man’s Best Friend Monday. First of all, it is lousy alliteration. Secondly, no one win there right mind would bring their dog to The Dino. Mayhem Monday, Rock. Make it Happen.

Don’t think I did not see you cleverly bury the lede in your missive: Daniel Vazquez [Assistant General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]. I must say I am a little taken aback that I was not on the interview panel, but life moves pretty fast in the minor leagues, and GM Joe probably thought my social calendar was full — he was correct, of course. He always is, except that time he signed off on the Duck Dynasty/Mountain Man Meet and Greet. What a disaster that was.

Has this Daniel Vazquez heard of me yet? Should I introduce myself through a missive? I see he is from the the San Antonio Missions. I was attending games at Nelson W. Wolff Municipal Stadium when this guy was still shitting green in his diapers. They have a great between inning promotion —- a mascot race where the kid tackles the mascot (Henry the Puffy Taco) and beats the shit out of Henry. Maybe this new assistant GM can breather some life into the 66ers tired mascots. It has been a long time since Bernie shot The Baseball Bug with a rifle atop the dugout. 

Hey, since the boss is away this week, maybe I will stop by San Manuel Stadium with a bottle of good bourbon, and we can sit in the executive luxury suite until we drink enough to have to take a Lyft home. Maybe we can pay the G Street hobos a bit of cash to play catch and run around the bases so we can pretend winter is not approaching. Or maybe we can just drink and work on improving the stadium music for next season and prank call Adam Franey [Former Director of Promotions; Inland Empire 66ers].

I bet we can find a 2019 California League All Star Game polo around the offices somewhere.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Joe Hudson (General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Congratulations on receiving the 2019 California League Executive of the Year Award. It seems like just two years ago you were winning the same award — oh, that is right, you were! As you well know, I traveled all around the country this past season, visiting twenty minor league stadiums and rubbing elbows with minor league executives while discussing the nuances of operating minor league organizations. I must sincerely say you organization is the best, which is why I keep returning home to San Manuel Stadium. I think the best reflection of this is the fact that the Inland 66ers were also awarded the Excellence in Community Service for the California League.

While these awards are tremendous, we all know that your greatest accomplishment this season was giving me those Thirsty Thursday Ambassador business cards. With that kind gesture, you validated every single conversation I had with minor league representatives this summer. Those who shunned me are going to feel pretty silly now. I am sure I can gain access to the Minor League Baseball Innovator’s Summit next week in El Paso with the business cards also. I heard they serve great bagels there.

Did you know that the Chihuahuas were one of the teams I visited this past summer? I might have mentioned to security that I was your unofficial assistant to gain access to their exclusive corporate bar high above the stadium. The view was mediocre, but the drinks were flowing. I did not really talk to any of their front office because Southwest University Park is a Professional Sports Catering venue, and their service is total ass, so most of the front office was forced to work a concession line. Their draft beer was warm because the damn fools had the kegs in the sun, which would never happen at San Manuel Stadium.

Is anyone from the 66ers going to MiLB Innovators’ Summit? Perhaps we could carpool and pass the miles by sharing minor league stories and brainstorming promotion for 2020. I am famous for making amazing playlists for road trips. Perhaps I will make an entire playlist of songs that should be played at San Manuel Stadium. Maybe we could take in an Arizona Fall League game on the way out. Or maybe we should just fly as that is a long ass drive.

Once we get there, maybe we can walk around the convention center, looking for executives I have reached out to this season, and you can tell them, “Hell, yes, I know Bads85. He is an invaluable resource to our organization. His bar tabs helped us reach record profits, plus he brightens every room by just walking through the door. He is also a celebrity burrito judge.”

While the fan experience at San Manuel Stadium is one of the best overall fan experiences in minor league baseball, I think we can both agree searching for improvements is never a bad investment of time and resources. Since I have the luxury of traveling throughout the land, I get to see the positives of other parks and offer suggestions of things that could make the 66er’s fan experience even better because I am a giver. I am also a bad ass number cruncher because the San Bernardino City Unified School District trained me to analyze test data to determine trends and delve for solutions. Did you know even though your organization led the California League in attendance this year, it was dead last in attendance on Monday nights? I have spreadsheets if you are interested.

Hey, did you know your nephew is in my class this year? He was so impressed with my business cards. I cannot wait until we tackle our minor league baseball promotions unit this year. Perhaps we will do that right around the holidays so Little Dominic can bond with his Uncle Joe over lagging attendance figures on Monday nights. Or maybe you guys can discuss strategies on how to expand corporate sponsorships outside of the impoverished city of San Bernardino. Or attendance/concession profit algorithms. Or the pros and cons of $7.00 versus $5.00 parking. Or how to handle overzealous season ticket holders who overstep their boundaries. Of course, you could just slip me one of those 2019 California All Star Game polos, and I will not implement the unit until Spring Training.

In all seriousness now, I must say the 2019 season was one hell of a ride. Thank you for being a good sport about my missives, and for everything you did for my friends and family at the ballpark. Not all organizations were as receptive as you guys. One even had sent three goons to meet me in the parking lot – like that could stop me.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85