Dear Anna Forslin [Corporate Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:
My sources in El Paso, Texas inform me that you are attending the Minor League Baseball Innovators’ Summit this week. I hope you are prepared for the savagery that is sure to ensue. I have met many of the attendees, and they enjoy drinking tequila through straight through their eyeballs, claiming they love the rush when the liquor hits the optic nerve. Many of these people are in the profession because they failed to uphold the morality clause in public education. If things get too overwhelming, just ask yourself what Bads85 would do. Hint: SHOTS!
I had originally planned to crash the summit to mingle with my peeps, but I was leery of stealing the thunder of the presenters. Most of the degenerates attending would skip the workshops for a chance to hang out at the bar with Bads85, and I am sure Tom Restall [President; Hartford Yard Goats] spent a great deal of time preparing his presentation about banning peanuts from his ballpark, and it would be embarrassing for him if only representatives from his organization were in attendance. And everyone should see JD Davis [Director of Marketing; Corpus Christie Hooks] talk about vertical video because the year 2019, there are still people who hold their cell phones incorrectly.
Do not be surprised if representatives from other teams approach you to ask about me. As you know, I am kind of a big deal, and these people do not have the good fortune of Bads85 in their stadium for most home games. They most certainly want to know how I behave in normal social circles. Feel free to tell them the truth: that my larger than life persona radiates even more in the flesh than on the page.
Hey, you should really attend the“FUN (Eff Up Nights) Sharing: Learning From and Laughing at Failures and Mistakes” presented by Chris Dillon [Director of Promotions & Community Relations Hickory Crawdads]. Tell him that in San Bernardino failure means death, so failure in not an option. Mistakes are things created by the morally weak and the intellectually feeble.
If you see Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks], tell he still owes me a Whit Goodman Bobblehead. He might to try to weasel his way out of it, saying I did not fulfill the terms of our agreement, but I did attend a game last summer at Daniel S. Frawley Stadium. It was not my fault he was already passed out under his desk by time I came through the gates in the fifth inning.
You will probably run into some of the Fayetteville Woodpeckers’ crew. Remember, I drank with royalty in their executive suite, but the top brass might still be a little sore that I hired a local design artist in Fayetteville to create the now famous “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” t-shirts that are all the rage in North Carolina now. Have GM Joe give Mark Zarther [President; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] a good natured noogie as Mark has quite the mane on his diminutive frame. If Austin Schwartz [Vice President; Sales& Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] or Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing and Communications; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] are there, well, hoist a few glasses in the air with those fine gentlemen.
Speaking of magnificent hair, you must get a picture with Tom Baxter [Manager of Fundraising & Community Engagement; Hartford Yard Goats]. The man has the finest hair in all of baseball.
Enjoy your time in El Paso, and know that I already have a few promotions cooking back in the Inland Empire. VSCO GIRLS FOREVER NIGHT!
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Look for some great polo designs!