Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
I was perusing your organization’s Twitter feed to see if the Pelicans were still licking their wounds after losing a Golden Bobblehead to something called the Udder Tuggers, and it warmed my heart to see your social media was showing no ill effects of what had to be the most humiliating moment in the organization’s history. However, I came across the little hot dog tweet, and now I am wondering if there is seriously something wrong with your organization. The hot dog in the picture cannot be over six inches long. Do you serve dogs this size at your concessions stands, or did you just send an intern down the local Aldi to get the cheapest package possible?
Perhaps down there in South Carolina, your organization can fool the fans into thinking that dog is eight or nine inches, but that wiener is a length that only very small hands can enjoy. I am not even sure it is beef — it could very well be chicken or pork. I see at one point your Ring of Fire served turkey dogs, which just must make Little Baby Jesus cry. Do you serve Play Dough treats also? “Hey kids, this is not that bad for you! It tastes terrible, but you can mold it before you eat it!”
I mean, the only good thing about that hot dog in the picture is that is does not look boiled. However, it obviously did not touch a flame for any significant amount of time, so I am starting to wonder just what other crimes against humanity your organization has committed. You guys are a Cubs’ affiliate so you should know better. And the bun. Oh lord, the bun. Starving hobos would not touch that thing. There is a thumb print in it, indicating is almost certainly stale! What sort of depraved cretins would dumpster dive for something like that, and then throw it out on social media?
Now I am not sort of some food fascist on the internet, demanding everyone’s food preference be the same as mine. I think everyone should enjoy their hot dogs as how they see fit and not be pressured by regional cuisines or locked into rigid tradition. Why some games I enjoy a Sonoran Dog, which is one of the greatest culinary treats a person can have at the Cactus League. Other days, I long for a bacon wrapped hot dog slathered in peppers. Sometimes, I just want mustard. Somedays, I want a ham sandwich. Sometimes I get a craving for burritos.
What I do find outrageous in when is when customers are subjected to inferior food, especially hot dogs. In the year 2019, serving an inferior hot dog is a conscious choice, a silent “Fuck you!” to the loyal fan. Deep in my heart, I believe your organization is better than this, and this hot dog photo fiasco was just a learning experience for an inexperienced employee worried more about speed than presentation. Any organization that is having a Trick or Treat Thirsty Thursday on October 24th while offering $1.00 beers must have a great deal of redeeming qualities,
However, as a minor league ambassador, I implore your organization to do better with hot dog presentation. Hot dogs are a symbol of American fortitude, so when you are careless with hot dog imagery, well, you are shitting all over the United States. Lives are in the balance, Ryan. Do not fail our country. Ensure that Obi Wan Kenobi did not die in vain.
Your friend in baseball,