I Console Some Losers

Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

I saw your organization recently failed to capture the Golden Bobblehead Award for Best Overall Promotion at the Minor League Baseball Innovators’ Summit this past week in El Paso. Your organization’s Kentucky Derby Theme Night at the Ballpark lost to a promotion called “Salute to Cows, featuring Udder Tuggers” created by the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers. As a grizzled minor league veteran, I can tell you the shame of losing to something with “Udder Tugger” in the moniker will follow you to the grave. I mean, there is just no sugar coating this. Despite your rather excessive politicking at the Summit, your organization will always be known as the people who lost to the Udder Tuggers.

You might be wondering, “Just who the hell is this guy?” Or perhaps you have heard of me. I was sort of a big splash in the Carolina League this past season, being a smoke jumper in the devil’s arcade and minor league ambassador. Whatever the case, I can tell you who I am definitely not — the guy who lost to the Udder Tuggers. I did throw out a first pitch in Kinston this past season at the personal request of Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads}. My traveling crew drank the bar dry at the AEVEX Veterans; Suite at Segra Stadium upon the invitation from Austin Schwartz [Vice President; Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]. 

I chased carnies away from Allen Lawrence’s [Interim General Manager; Salem Beer Mongers] car at Haley Toyota Stadium, and searched for a missing Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks] on a late June night at Daniel Frawley Stadium. I did not make it to Myrtle Beach this past season because of the high crime rates in that little tourist town, plus I wanted to see the Columbia Firefly’s terrific park. I am probably most famous for being the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the Inland Empire 66ers and the unofficial special assistant to their renown general manager, Joe Hudson. I was also a Celebrity Judge for some sort of burrito truck throw down. You can check my bones fides with Wade — he will probably use terms like “Foxhole Buddy” and “Kindred Soul Cut From the Same Cloth”.

But enough about me — this missive is about your organization losing to the Udder Tuggers. I am here to offer advice about how to cope with this humiliation and most importantly, how to prevent this from happening again in the near future while restoring your reputation and dignity. I know you are hurting now, bit my sage advice can get you through these dark days.You are not familiar with me, but I am a giver. Dealing with the humiliation is easy — start drinking now and do not stop until Presidents’ Day. Stick with the hard stuff to really numb the pain. 

I saw that your organization tried to bribe the voting population with mint juleps at the Summit. While your intentions were good, that was a rookie mistake. No one really likes mint juleps, Ryan. They taste like crystalized sugar poured over dog turds, making them very hard to swallow. Sure, once of year, a bunch of novice drinkers feel compelled to adopt an odd Louisville tradition in which sugar ruins perfectly good bourbon, but that is not a winning bribing strategy. The proper drink in this case would have been Fireball shots — the perfect breakfast complement. I assure you that Fireball has become of staple of the Kentucky Derby in recent years, especially now that Hunter S. Thompson is dead. More importantly, minor league executive would rather slam those than drink fu-fu juleps, and after a few shots, you have captured their hearts and minds, which is what minor league promotions are all about. 

I must say, your argyle jerseys for the promotion were extremely crisp. Those pastels popped, and they truly were one of the best alternative uniforms through the minors all season. That being said, the promotion only drew just a shade over 2,000 fans for a Friday night, certainly one of your lower Friday nights at the gate. In comparison, the Udder Tuggers drew almost as many as three times the gate your promotion did. I would suggest coupling this with a giveaway night — perhaps a bobblehead of the mayor of Myrtle Beach dressed in a jockey outfit, sponsored by Ocean Creek Resort. This will get the city dignitaries in attendance, along with all their flunkies all dressed in seer sucker suits. 

Have you ever wondered how flammable seer sucker material ls? Me neither. However, had you wrapped some of those Udder Tugger stuffed toys in seer sucker, then applied a blowtorch, you would have been sending a strong message to the voters and the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers. Instead, you had poor Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] ride around the stage on some dude in a horse costume. Retaining one’s dignity in the minor leagues is important. Without dignity, it is easy to become the Winston-Salem Dash, a team with a horrible nickname and an overtly phallic team logo. However, even the Dash have not lost a Golden Bobblehead to the Udder Tuggers.

Anyway, chin up, Buckaroo. This is just a temporary setback, and it is not as if this will affect your ongoing stadium lease negotiations with the city. More importantly, you have not contracted your concessions to Professional Sports Catering, so you still retain your soul.

Your friend in baseball,


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