Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
Hello, Ryan, it is your good pal, Bads85. I can see by your lack of a response so far that you are one of those minor league executives that absorbs a great deal of knowledge before offering opinions. Perhaps you have asked Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] about me as he and I are pretty tight after all that went down in the Carolina League last season — not quite fox hole buddy tight, but definitely exchange Christmas cards tight. Wade would probably tell you that I am the type of individual who puts outs fires before they even start, which is why I am more than just a minor league ambassador.
This putting out the fires thing is why I am writing you today. Someone in your organization posted the following job at on social media: “We’re looking for the next wave of young sports professionals to hire as seasonal assistants! Departments hiring include promo/marketing, operations, sales, food and beverage, and merch.” That is ageism, plain and simple, Ryan. There are mad dog lawyers that would immediately start foaming at the mouth if they came across that. What about wizened sports professionals? Put a mic in my hand, and I would get the crowd shaking the foundation of TicketReturn.com Field at Pelicans Ballpark every night.
Please understand I am not looking for a job within your organization (unless it was a remote assistant general manager position where I could work from home). Instead, I am trying to stave off trouble for your organization because the Carolina League can ill afford any bad press. The solution is simple —- change the “young” to “eager”, and you are good to go. I just saved your organization a fortune in lawyer fees. I do not desire any compensation for those because I am a giver, but if you were to send me a Palmetto State Cap, I would wear it to Disneyland. Maybe even to the Cactus League next spring.
I just saw on your Twitter feed that you are auctioning off Tony LaRussa. I am pretty sure that is illegal, Ryan. Have you drug tested the person in charge of your Twitter feed? Slavery was outlawed many years ago after a bitter war. That certainly seems to be inviting some legal issues for a minimal increase in ticket sales. At best, that is false advertising.
Hey, let’s just say that you offered me that remote assistant general manager position. What do you think would be the first tast you gave me? I bet it would be to fix your Copa de la Diversion logo as those Pelicano caps look more like Indy 500 merchandise than a true Copa identity. Maybe you should go with the idea that I pitched to the Woodpeckers: The Águilas Aztecas (Aztec Eagles], which were the Mexican 201st Fighter Squadron that flew P-47 Thunderbolts in World War Two in the Pacific Theater. They were not too keen on the idea because the top brass there are very conservative with their brand.
I need to get some sleep because my body is still not right from the Arizona Fall League trip last weekend — one of my crew was rushed to the hospital before we even left. It was that type of weekend.
Your friend in baseball,