Dead Religions

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I was starting to feel guilty for not contacting you for a while as I have been busy assisting other teams, plus helping Mr. Pat O’ Connor [President; Minor League Baseball] deal with the contraction issue, but then I remembered that communication is a two way street, and since you have not reached out to me lately, you must be really busy also (probably planning the Bass Boat Regatta). I hope you have been well. I did not see your in your organization’s participation in the Willamette River Plunge this weekend. I thought to myself, “Allan would never duck out of an opportunity to help a great charity, so maybe he has the Coronavirus or is sleeping off a hard bender because Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire] came to town.” I heard he sleeps at your house when he goes to Eugene, which means you are a far more trusting person than I am. If something bad has befallen you, I sure hope you told your staff about me throwing out the first pitch this summer.

I have a question about the Emerald’s Sasquatch hat I purchased. Why is it the complete strangers glare at me when I wear this in public places? Is this common in Oregon, or is it a Southern California thing? At first I thought this phenomenon was because of my Myrtle Beach golf polo, and maybe Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] had some interaction with these angry people, but this odd behavior has been happening with other team gear, so I am pretty sure this Sasquatch hat is a trigger off some sort. I bet it is a Cubs’ thing.

I noticed that your online store really does not have any light colored Ems’ caps. Look, the black hats certainly works well in the rain forest up there, but down here in the land of the sun, this hats attract too much heat. If you want to brand to gain a larger national presence, you. might offer caps in lighter colors. You might be thinking, “Bads85, we had one of the top ten selling caps last year”, which is a valid point, but you know who else did? The Udder Tuggers. I do not think I have to tell you the stigma of finishing behind the Udder Tuggers. I would suggest a white Sasquatch hat with a black trim, which would turn a great deal of heads in the Cactus League in 2021. 

If you would like, I could send you a picture of me in my Ems’ hat, and you can use my likeness as a marketing tool. In case you have not heard, I am a trendsetter. Hey, how are the bearded guys on the online store doing? Do they ever stop by the office, just to exchange minor league stories? I used to that at San Manuels Stadium, but they put a coded lock o. the front door to combat the hobo problem in San Bernardino. I can never remember the code because I have too many passwords in my head as it is.

Did you see this past week that the Columbia Fireflies [South Atlantic League] recognized my status as the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador? It would have been an even bigger moment, but their social media person misspelled Thursday, so you can imagine how well that went over with other minor league organizations. Everything ended well though, and if I ever want a Fireflies tattoo…

Do you get the bobbleheads for your promotions from a local place? I want to surprise GM Joe with his own bobblehead, but I do not want word to get back to him if I order it locally, plus I want a custom design that capture’s the essence of his personality. If you have a good supplier, I would appreciate the contact information. No weirdos though, please.

I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is a big day of Cactus League planning.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Anna Forslin {Promotions Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I recently took it upon myself to broker peace between minor league organizations feuding over stadium scoreboards because as you well know, I am all about tranquility (except when Quakes’ fans sit near me). I started looking for images of the outstanding scoreboard at San Manuel Stadium, and quickly found that there are not many images out there that capture the true essence of San Manuel Stadiums enormous, but practical scoreboard. I suggest that you rectify this immediately by sending some interns into right field to shoot some quality pictures so most minor league organizations can realize their scoreboards are inadequate, even with their fancy high resolution screens. When the interns are finished, send them out to Alanberto’s get some burritos for the staff. You all have earned it — except for that one guy.

I have a couple of question about the 909/951 hats that are being distributed on June 6th. Would it not be better to have the Veteran’s Hat promo on that night since it is the D-Day Anniversary and switch the 909/951 hat giveaway to May 9th? Also, are you trying to get the season ticket holder base killed with the 909/951 hats? Those things are straight gangsta. Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]’s job is hard enough without the 66ers boosters’ taking led for their hats. However, if GM Joe signed off on this thing, well give them away to everyone, and I will take two as they are bad ass hats.

Any word if the merchandise people have ordered any new polos for this year? I desperately need a modern 66ers’ polo, and we all know that 2019 Cal League All Star jersey is not walking itself down to Section 102? Do the 66ers even have a merchandise person this season, or is someone, probably you, having to take on extra responsibilities? Since I am a slave to fashion, I could be an adviser in some capacity. Things would pop in that team store if I were king. First order of business would EXPANSION.

So I am thinking the 66ers should make Tuesday, April 21st Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] Night. Not much else is going to be going on that night, so we flash his picture on the screen, read a bit of his bio that I crafted, and then promote Thirsty Thursdays (after consulting with my wife, I give the 66ers permission to use my likeness to promote that Holy Day). The next Tuesday game can be Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] Night. This will almost certainly have no effect on attendance, but it will help you establish a stronger network with your peers so when we go to the MiLB Innovators’ Summit in Winston-Salem next year, we will have more options in terms of drinking, plus some of these people vote for the Golden Bobbleheads.

Why isn’t the Black Keys “Gotta Get Away” ever played at games? It has San Berdoo right in the chorus! I strongly suggest that your organization freshens up the music this year. You might not know this, but San Bernardino has a strong history of rock ‘n roll. The Rolling Stones played their first North American show at Swing Auditorium. The Clash broke up in the North End on stage at the US Festival. I do not think local boy Sammy Hagar is doing anything these days; perhaps he can play a Thirsty Thursday. At the very least, we can drink some of his tequila.

I would also to request my own walk up music for when I enter the stadium. I can text your PA Dude when I get close to the Season Ticket Holder gate, and he can blast the opening of Led Zeppelin’s “Kasmir”, and people will know I have arrived. I can mix up the songs as the season progresses to keep things fresh. I might even take requests from the 66er’s front office.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] Night! Make it happen! I cannot wait to send a missive to tell him the news!

Dear Matt Millward [General Manager; Kannapolis Cannon Ballers]:

It appears your organization’s rebrand is proceeding rather smashingly well even though you named your mascot after an insult to old people. That is acceptable though because those old people are not going to be around too much longer, and they are probably not part of your target demographic anyway. Most importantly, Boomer is not a Brandiose cookie cutter creation with a permanent scowl. He does need a sidekick, perhaps a diminutive creature named Little Napalm, but more about that later.

I write to you to inform you of a terrible transgression against your organization’s new scoreboard. Earlier today, two other organizations (Lexington Legends and West Virginia Power) imposed their logos on a photo of your scoreboard on social media. An executive of your experience knows that this simply cannot happen if your organization is to retain its brand’s integrity. A swift and devastating response is required in this matter, lest no organization will take your scoreboard seriously. Normally, this would be the task of your social media person, but a scoreboard is the window to a minor league team’s soul, I implore you to take matters into your own hands. This is bigger than Twitter spat between low level minor league executives; this is a call for the Big Dawg.

Before we get to your appropriate response, I must commend your merchandise team for creating a very crisp Cannon Baller polo. I almost purchased one, but it did not have your city or team name on the monogram. When I am playing golf, I do not want to field multiple questions from my opponents about what my shirt represents. I just want to hit fairways, sink putts, and steal souls. A simple suggestion that would greatly increase your national sales: include the Kannapolis Cannon Ballers name on the polo. If you feel it will detract for the Boomer logo, put it on the sleeve so people can recognize what the shirt represents.

I would also suggest you flesh out Boomer’s backstory. From where did this modern daredevil emerge? Is he a circus refugee? A carney from Salem? NASA washout? Airborne Ranger from Fayetteville? Ex-CIA? FBI? DEA? AFL-CIO? An unemployed mall Santa? People are going to think the worst until your organization develops his past. Fans want a mascot they can trust, especially as one as good looking as Boomer. A sidekick would go a long way into instilling trust with the fans base. No mustachioed mascot is going run off in the middle of the night with some fan’s drunk wife if a sidekick is involved. Little Napalm is just the mascot for the position.

Speaking of fleshing things out, how is you 2020 Promotions Schedule coming? Will there be Thirsty Thursdays in Kannapolis this season?  A city without Thirsty Thursday is precariously close to being a dry town, and a dry town is very well on its way to become a dead town. As you probably know, I am the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the California League and Beyond, an honor bestowed upon me by Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] last season. He even gave me a stack of business cards to solidify my position. Did you know the Down East Wood Ducks offer $1.00 Natty Lights on their Thirty Thursday? I traveled their last summer at the request of Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] to throw out a first pitch and share takes of the road. This is season I have already been invited to throw out a first pitch for the Eugene Emeralds because I am kind of a big deal.

Let’s return to protecting your scoreboard. Perhaps you should remind the culprits that they are both on the contraction list, so they should stick to saving their own asses instead of usurping your scoreboard image. Offer them a suggestion to market, “Contract this, Robert Manfred!” t-shirts than include their mascots doing a good old-fashioned crotch grab. Make some vague suggestion about future employment if their team loses their affiliation, and that should prevent future cyber vandalism of your new scoreboard.

I am going to try to make the trip to visit your new stadium this summer. I trust your private bar will be well stocked.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Sorry I have not been able to respond to your January 24th missive, but the past week was the birthday of Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans], and my Thirsty Thursday Crew celebrated this momentous day pretty hard, even though Hunter was across the continent. Plus, the Gwinnett Stripers finally added Thirsty Thursdays as one of their promotions, so they need a bit of guidance from me. I do have a little of time now that my Super Bowl guests have departed to respond to your excellent letter.

It is probably best we did meet each other’s acquaintance at the Winter Meetings in San Diego. I was running with a rather unsavory crowd that week: reprobates, cutthroats, and former US Senators. Yes, that sounds like almost any work day for me, but the stakes were much higher that weekend with the specter of minor league contraction looming over us all. Deals were made, bodies were discreetly buried, and while I am not proud of everything that went down behind closed doors, I think the Republic was saved.

I do like the idea that your accountant put forth, a handsome tax to be paid by all those around me at the game. I do see one problem in that those people are so despite that they forge beer vouchers, so collecting the tax might prove difficult. I am sure the 66ers’ Booster Club will manage to pass the bucket around though, just like when one of the home team hits a home run. I just hope there is no skimming from the fund though.

Taylor McCarthy [former General Manager; Stockton Ports] was in the process of completing the polo order for the 2020 California All Star Game when he jumped ship. He was trying to keep Owen Hopkins [Ticket Sales & Merchandise Executive] to stick to a budget, but Owen is an executive with vision who understands that All Star games do not have every season, and looking good is more important than saving a few shillings. I have no idea how things have progressed since that fateful day, but the Ports still do not have a general manager. I was thinking of applying if they would let me fulfill my responsibilities remotely from home and Section 102 of San Manuel Stadium.

If Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] does not take you to the All-Star game, you should ride with me. I promise you will we will get to Stockton before his crew does, and imagine the surprise on his face when he sees you are rolling with Bads85’s crew. I bet we end up with better seats also.

I did not realize that Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] was so close to our GM Joe. Allan dropped GM Joe’s name in his reply, but many minor league executives do that to try to impress me. Letting Joe sleep in his house certainly is a sign of trust. I mean, I would probably let him sleep on a lounge chase on the patio, and probably throw him a blanket, but we are not to the guest bedroom stage in our relationship yet.

Upon further reflection, perhaps you are correct about the Thirsty Thursday nameplate on my seat. The lines would be insufferable, and certainly detract from my enjoyment of the game. Somebody would get very upset when I do not sign an autograph for their child, and words might be exchanged. More importantly, I do not want to take anything away from the players or the game on the field because I am not about seeking attention for myself. Perhaps we should just go with a statue of my likeness near the front gate, or put my smiling image on the Thirsty Thursday promotions.

Well, it is time to earnestly start planning for the Cactus League. As the man on the radio says, “This is the best time of the day, the dawn. The final cleansing breath unsullied yet by acrid fume or death’s cacophony.” Make no mistake, the Cactus League of 2020 will be a savage place where ideologies collide. The idyllic days of spring have long passed, and the struggle of oral tradition against heartless corporate efficiency will be renewed. Hydrate or die!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

Happy Belated Birthday, my favorite Director of Fan Engagement of the Carolina League! I feel bad for being a bit late, but as you probably know, I have been rather busy lately planning my Cactus League trips. I was hoping Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] would join my crew this year, but he says he has to power wash Historic Grainger Stadium those weekends. Since people are coming in from all over the country four our trips, the logistics are quite daunting, but I am a very diligent planner who looks upon the various scheduling as a labor of love.

Have you ever been to the Cactus League, Hunter? It is the most holy of baseball pilgrimages, and also the most savage. It is a rite of rebirth through a baptism of fire. Souls in danger became souls saved and vice versa. The road to rebirth is often accompanied by a pounding to the liver. Memories are created, and character is shaped. Most importantly, there are the crack of bats and the snapping of the leather. Maybe one year you can join us when you have journeyed a little further down the baseball road.

I ventured to California Winter League in Palm Springs last weekend, which is billed as the Prequel to Spring Training. It might be the lowest rung on the prospect ladder, but the baseline chalk is white, and beer is sold. It is a place to meet baseball junkies who just cannot wait until the MLB camps open for their fix. Many of these junkies are the truly demented type who have given up on any sort of salvation and know they do not have too many more seasons in the sun, so they better get to as many games as possible before they shuffle off this mortal coil.

But enough talk about my adventures. How is the promotion schedule coming along? Will there be anything vibrantly new at TicketReturn.com Field at Pelicans’ Ballpark the season? Any exciting new food items? I sure hope your staff is looking towards the future because as the guy on the radio says, nostalgia, she is a shit disease.

Hey, did you know I entered that contest during CubsCon to win a trip to Myrtle Beach? I did not win, but that is okay because just entering a Pelicans’ fan contest is its own reward. In case you have not noticed, I have become a pretty big fan of the Pelicans. I do not want any koozies or anything because if you need a koozie, you are not drinking fast enough. I am contemplating purchasing a Pelicans’ hat, but your team store has so many selections, I am experiencing paralysis by analysis, which can be fatal on the minor league circuit. Perhaps you can choose one for me, and when people ask were I found that sharp lid I can say Hunter Horenstein picked it out for me. I will surely be the envy of the California League. 

Anyway, I need to go to bed because tomorrow is Hockey Night in Anaheim. I wish I had a Pelicans’ long sleeve t-shirt to wear under my Montreal Canadiens’ jersey, but I will probably wear my Wood Ducks one to match my hat. I hope you had good birthday. Perhaps you even received a new pair of burgundy pants.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Kyle Kamerbeek [Promotion Coordinator; Gwinnett Stripers]:

I read today that your organization has finally embraced Thirsty Thursdays, so I feel compelled to welcome you to the LAND OF THE LIVING. You see, I am the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the California League and Beyond, a title bestowed upon me by Joe Hudson {General Manager, Inland Empire 66ers and two time California League Executive of the Year]. I am not sure why it took the Stripers this long to embrace one of the greatest tradition in all of sports (probably something not do with archaic liquor laws in Lawrenceville, Georgia), but soon the fans at CoolRay Field will be basking in the glory of cheap beer on Thursday nights. This should boost your organization’s sagging attendance (last in the International League) and make your bosses at Liberty Media happy.

Since you have only been at your position for about a month, please allow a grizzled minor league road warrior like myself to offer you some advice about Thirsty Thursday. As a smart guy like you has probably already deduced, you ain’t in Texas anymore. You are a long way from a Whataburger, and CoolRay Field is not exactly surrounded by eateries, so you better have some food specials on Thursday, lest the locals get bombed out of their mind and want to go hunting out of season, if you know what I mean. 

You also should have a social area where the drinkers can converge and you know, socialize. I am not talking about places like the Foul Pole Water Hole or the Base Docks where the bourgeois pigs flex their corporate credit cards. I am talking about a place where every ticket holder can drift to share oral tradition while sipping on those Thirsty Thursday beers rather than drunkenly heckle the home team. This creates a sense of fan identity that draws people back to the park, even if Crazy Eddie vomits in the Charger. Put a couple of TVs in this area so fans can watch highlights of other games and PGA tour events.

Hey, if your teams is named after a fish, why is Chopper the Groundhog your mascot? After riding shotgun with Orbit all those years, are you going to be able to hang with this Chopper fellow? I doubt he will have the professional work ethic as Orbit, who probably has the most integrity of anyone who still remains in the Houston Astros’ organization. Orbit was not banging on any trashcans. Maybe your organization should put Chopper to rest in a Caddyshack sort of way on a fireworks night. I am sure you are thinking, “Bads85, fish don’t have feet. How can we have a mascot without any feet?” You are right, Kyle, fish do not have any feet, but fishermen do. You need a big fisherman mascot named Gaffy Bigstick who casts his rod from the dugout. Nurtured with the proper love, Gaffy will become the beloved identity of the county.

Here is a promotional idea that fits your organization: Bass Boat Regatta Night. Offer half price admission for any piscatory who brings his fishing boat to the stadium. Fire up some grills in the parking lot, sell some discounted beers, and throw the biggest tailgate party Gwinnett County has ever seen. Maybe even have a beauty contest where a local looker gets a crown. Put an intern in a dinosaur suit and have him run through the parking lot because kids love dinosaurs. Make sure the intern remains properly hydrated though. Dead interns ruin regattas, and the paperwork. Oh Lord, the paperwork. 

You are probably thinking, “Who is this visionary who has suddenly come into my life?” I am just a guy who has been around, Kyle, traveling from park to park, looking for a good story, a swell drink special, and crisp commemorative t-shirts (the Bass Boat Regatta t-shirt will almost design itself). I have never been to Gwinnett because there were never Thirsty Thursdays before, plus your stadium is a bit off the beaten path. However, now that the Stripers have Thirsty Thursdays, that all could change.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Not only am I the Thirsty Thursday of the California League and Beyond, I am the Generalissimo of the Army of the Night.

Dear Patrick Ennis [Director of Promotions and Fan Experience; Carolina Mudcats]:

Congratulations on being one of the first organizations to release their 2020 Promotion Schedule. As one who spends most of the summer visiting minor league parks, it is dedicated individuals like yourself who make my planning such easier. I thank you for dedication that is well ahead of most of your peers. As the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the California League and Beyond, I do have some burning questions about your schedule and hope you have the time to answer them.

1. The Mudcats’ Thirsty Thursdays’ special is half off all draft beer and Pepsi products. Half off what, my good man? MLB prices? Or a fair price for the working man? Wade Howell’s Wood Ducks offer $1.00 Natty Lights. Wade will not let you take them on the field when he invites you to come to his stadium to throw out the first pitch. Also, I know North Carolina is shackled to Pepsi products, but is there any chance my traveling companions can get some Coca Cola in which to pour their cheap bourbon that they will be sneaking into the park if we ever make it to Five County Stadium?
2. You are giving away 15,000 magnet schedule the first three games of the season. Our here in the California League, we would call that very ambitious. When do you plan on finally giving all those away? Do you send any of the extras to other teams, say like to my pal Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]? You should send him one every day for a very long time just because you can.
3. Your promotion schedule says that Friday Fireworks are accompanied by upbeat music. That is very broad, Patricio. Are we talking Classic Rock? Stadium Anthems? Death Metal? K-Pop? How can you be sure it is upbeat for everyone? 
4. Your Columbus Scrambled Dog. Do you steam that or grill it? Steaming hot dogs is for the morally invalid. Do you crumble the oyster crackers? If so, do your concession workers have strong personal hygiene?
5. Did you know your Ag Night is on the anniversary of D-Day? Maybe you can slap some camo paint on a few John Deers and let loose. The ghost of Tom Joad haunts the Cactus League, so we take Ag Night very seriously out here, except in San Bernardino, with is an urban wasteland on the edge of a desert. 
6. I see you have a Christmas in July Night. Why not a Thanksgiving in June?
7. You have no Tuesday promotions of yet. Two words: TACO TUESDAY. Two more words: TEQUILA SHOTS!
8. Any chance of changing the stadium name to the more accurate Four County Stadium? Wilson County is a bit down the road.

You probably heard that my travels took me through the Carolina League last season, and many said my appearances at their park were the social events of the season. I did not make it to Zebulon because no one in your front office answered my missives. I did make it to Salem, Wilmington, Fayetteville, Kinston, and Fredrick. Initially, I was not planning on returning to Carolina League this year, but Kannapolis and Fredericksburg are opening new stadiums, so if I am traveling all that way, I might as well make it worth my while. Plus, I am worried about the Pelicans’ bouncing back from losing a Golden Bobblehead to something called the Udder Tuggers, so I might have to go way down there to check on them. I suppose I could could bring joy and cheer to your park also. 

Did you know I am the president of the Southern California Down East Ducks Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter? I brought a little bit of of the Carolina League with me. I am sure if you sent some Mudcat bling to us, we would wear it our monthly meeting. We might even wear it to San Manuel Stadium, home of the Inland Empire 66ers, and possibly the greatest fan base in minor league ball — well, at least in Section 102. The Righteous Stoics in Section 207 are nothing not write home about. 

I hope to hear from you soon.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Anna Forslin [Promotions Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I hope you have been well as I have not heard from you in LIKE FOREVER. I know you have been very busy preparing the 2020 Promotions Schedule, and since Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers] leaked me a rough draft of the schedule, I have been studying it intently for the last week. I must say it looks splendid, and I am very excited for some of the exciting events that are headed our way this season. However, I do have some questions. I do know this is a tentative schedule is a living document throughout the season, so please take my question with the spirit in which they are written.

What happened to Star Wars Night? Just because the saga ended does not mean geeks of all ages from the Inland Empire will not flock to San Manuel Stadium to cosplay and take pictures with their favorite characters. You guys could be like Disneyland and sell blue yogurt as a drink, and the dupes will pay more for that than beer on a Saturday night. Perhaps Joe Hudson [General Manager] and I can recreate the scene between the ghost of Han Solo and Kylo Ren in Rise of Skywalker on top of a dugout, say right before the Toyota truck promotion. Did you know that a home run has never been hit through that little window in the truck placard atop the outfield in this history of San Manuel Stadium? Maybe this will be the year.

I see that Mondays are still Man’s Best Friend Mondays in which people can bring their dogs to the stadium to sit on the urine soaked outfield berm. I am resigned to the fact that this promotion is not going to go quietly into the night, but perhaps we can spice it up a bit. Make every Monday a dog movie theme night. Scooby Dooby Do, where are you? Turner and Hooch. Me and Marley. Old Yeller. E.T. (which is really Old Teller except the dog is an alien, and the protagonist does not have to shoot him at the end because aliens do not get rabies). Cujo. Show some clips from the films. Have Bernie and Slick recreate some scenes. Cut drink prices in half. Maybe sell pot brownies on Scooby Doo Night.

I see right now there are only four promotions including the July 4th Fireworks display, which I do not attend because I go through the life making my own fireworks. I know the schedule makers did not give the 66ers many weekend games this July, so I have bold idea that will cost nothing and attract attention from all over minor league baseball. We will have Minor League Executive Recognition Nights on those weekday games. One night you can honor Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds}. Another night Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]. You can announce this promotion to all clubs and have them nominate their own execs wit the caveat that this shit needs to be funny. We do not care how many puppies Hunter saved from burning buildings; we want the juicy stuff. This will make you immensely popular at next year’s winter meetings.

Perhaps Two Dollar Tuesdays should be marketed as Two Dollar Taco Tuesdays. I mean, you are already selling tacos for two dollars that night. Use the slogan to your advantage, especially since those tacos are great. People who come to weekend games might not be inspired to come back on Tuesday to see a game on a work night, but offer them two dollar tacos, and they lose their minds. “This team has no prospects, but TACO TUESDAYS! I’ll drive!” Throw in some tequila promotions, and it is a fiesta!

Do you think a Trout Cooler Bag is a big enough promotion for the Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend? Last year that was one of the biggest nights of the year, thanks to the burrito trucks at the game and that dashingly handsome celebrity judge who sat in the middle. Since California Burrito Night has been moved to late July, perhaps the should be another food truck night, maybe a best of the Inland Empire contest. Or dump the food trucks and have an enormous rib fest. Nothing says Memorial Day like smoked ribs, except for the Indy 500. Maybe have some race cars on the big screen that night. And videos of crashes. People really dig that. Maybe have dinosaurs driving race cars and crashing. Kids will really love that.

Anyway, we still have some time to flesh out the rest of the details of the promotion schedule to make it the best ever. Think Golden Bobbleheads! 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Promise me you won’t forget the nights that haven’t happened yet!

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I received my bill in the mail for my 2020 season tickets, and I believe there has been some sort of clerical oversight. Apparently, my discount for being ruggedly handsome and infectiously charismatic was not applied. Perhaps the discount will be applied differently this year, say like in a fifty percent discount in the shots I purchase at the bar. I am sure you will talk to someone in accounting to rectify this matter.

Thank you for sending me the tentative 2020 pronation schedule. Fortunately, I will not miss too many exciting nights when I am jaunting around Europe in mid June. I will miss the Mike Trout Bobblehead Night, but I am sure I can find someone in my legions of friends to acquire that doozy for me since I am certain it will be vastly different than the other ten Trout bobbleheads I have. I will return from abroad in time for the California League All Star game in Stockton. With the departure of Taylor McCarthy [former General Manager; Stockton Ports], I fear that the odds of receiving an All Star polo have decreased greatly, but I will solider on because that is what minor league veterans do. Maybe when your organization begins its spring cleaning, a XXL 2019 Cal League All Star Game polo will be found.

Are you planning on attending the 2020 All Star Game? I am sure we could make room for you for the trip up. Both Fresno and Sacramento have home games the night before the big bash at Banner Island Ballpark, so some Pacific Coast League action might be in the cards. Or maybe will will just chase the ghost of Tom Joad down CA-99 with a bottle of bourbon in each hand.

Did you hear the Eugene Emeralds have invited me to come up to their park to throw out a first pitch this season, and be part of a pre-game interview where I can share tales from the road? I have given them some ideas for some splendid promotions, but they do not seem to be moving too quickly in implementing them. Bass Boat Regatta Night is a no brainer up there, but Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] does seem to have the same sense of urgency that the front office folk of the 66ers have. You know, I have never thrown out of first pitch for the 66ers, probably because Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] is deathly afraid the once Bads85 gets on the field in front of a roaring crowd, he is not leaving.

Will be there any functional renovations of San Manuel Stadium this offseason? The roof of the bar in The Garage desperately needs to be extended. As you probably have heard, social gathering areas are the new rage in professional sports. The area above The Garage behind first base has always been a natural gathering place. Perhaps a couple of umbrellas and a margarita stand would cement that. Perhaps a statue of my likeness should be constructed so 66ers’ fans can hang out with me even if I am not at the game. Keep the damn Quakes’ fans away though; they smell and dress funny.

Anyway, let me know about my balance so I can pay it in full as soon as possible. Even though I do not have the full 70 game pack this year, I think I should qualify for the name tag on the back of my seat —- The Thirsty Thursday Ambassador tag would be a great photo opportunity. I am bringing 500 raucous middle schoolers to Education Day, so I think that makes up for games I am short. If not, well, that is okay too. Oral tradition does not really need name tags.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Mike Abramson [General Manager; Hartford Yard Goats]:

It has been a while since I have corresponded with you because I have been busy saving minor league baseball from that contraction issue, plus there was that absolute silence thing from your organization, so my attention has been elsewhere, especially since the movement to bring the former San Diego Chargers to Hartford seems to have stalled. Yesterday’s tragic events with Mr. Peanut turned my thoughts to the Yard Goats as no there is no chance Mr. Peanut will ever be able to attend a game at Dunkin Donut Park. Sure, the peanut ban already greatly hindered his chances to strut through your gates, but experienced minor league vets like you and I understand than bans are negotiable. Death, nor so much.

I write to you because conspiracy theories have already surfaced about Mr. Peanuts untimely demise, and I fear it is just a matter of time before those whack jobs look to the Yard Goats, especially since your social media person tweeted something about Mr. Peanut that could be insinuated as sinister. Your organization should distance itself from the tragedy with a formal statement about how even though peanuts are not allowed in your stadium because of safety reasons, you fully respect the icon status of the deceased, and you are saddened he has left this world. Yes, Mr. Peanut could be a polarizing figure, and some found him to be an elitist, but we here at the Yard Goats could relate to how he represented a product which brought that sort of sophisticated taste to the masses at a broadly affordable price, much like we do with baseball.

You might be thinking, “Bads85, Mr. Peanut has nothing to do with us.” While that might be true, if Madison Avenue as begun killing icons like Mr. Peanut, who is next? If this Mr. Peanut death campaign is successful, another familiar advertisement icon will get it during the NCAA tournament. The Masters might be a bloodbath. In 2021, the Milwaukee Brewers will play at something called American Family Field. Suppose Bernie the Brewer is eliminated for Arnie the Actuary? Suppose they come for Cuppy? Who will protect Chompers and Chew Chew? Will the Pillsbury Doughboy ever be able to sleep peacefully again? Will Mr. Clean get waxed?

When will the Yard Goats release their promotional schedule? The Inland Empire 66ers sent me theirs before the public release to work out any possible snafus with my travels because I am kind if a big deal. Since my minor league road trips are quite the logistic undertaking, planning in advance is essential. Since your organization has made the preliminary travel list for 2020, I am eagerly awaiting the release of your promotional schedule. You might not have heard being so far away, but the Eugene Emeralds have already invited me to their friendly confines to throw out a first pitch and be part of a pre-game interview. I told them they were taking a great risk by putting a live mic in front of me because sometimes the caboose gets loose, but those madmen are not adverse to risk.

Anyway, I need to run. The Down East Wood Ducks just released their promotional schedule also, so I need to peruse that. June is looking to be quite the party – Beach Jersey Night is looking like the social event of the season in Kinston. Hopefully, your promotion schedule will be released before individual tickets go on sale on February 7^th to ease the burden of my travel planning.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85