Dear Mike Abramson [General Manager; Hartford Yard Goats]:
It has been a while since I have corresponded with you because I have been busy saving minor league baseball from that contraction issue, plus there was that absolute silence thing from your organization, so my attention has been elsewhere, especially since the movement to bring the former San Diego Chargers to Hartford seems to have stalled. Yesterday’s tragic events with Mr. Peanut turned my thoughts to the Yard Goats as no there is no chance Mr. Peanut will ever be able to attend a game at Dunkin Donut Park. Sure, the peanut ban already greatly hindered his chances to strut through your gates, but experienced minor league vets like you and I understand than bans are negotiable. Death, nor so much.
I write to you because conspiracy theories have already surfaced about Mr. Peanuts untimely demise, and I fear it is just a matter of time before those whack jobs look to the Yard Goats, especially since your social media person tweeted something about Mr. Peanut that could be insinuated as sinister. Your organization should distance itself from the tragedy with a formal statement about how even though peanuts are not allowed in your stadium because of safety reasons, you fully respect the icon status of the deceased, and you are saddened he has left this world. Yes, Mr. Peanut could be a polarizing figure, and some found him to be an elitist, but we here at the Yard Goats could relate to how he represented a product which brought that sort of sophisticated taste to the masses at a broadly affordable price, much like we do with baseball.
You might be thinking, “Bads85, Mr. Peanut has nothing to do with us.” While that might be true, if Madison Avenue as begun killing icons like Mr. Peanut, who is next? If this Mr. Peanut death campaign is successful, another familiar advertisement icon will get it during the NCAA tournament. The Masters might be a bloodbath. In 2021, the Milwaukee Brewers will play at something called American Family Field. Suppose Bernie the Brewer is eliminated for Arnie the Actuary? Suppose they come for Cuppy? Who will protect Chompers and Chew Chew? Will the Pillsbury Doughboy ever be able to sleep peacefully again? Will Mr. Clean get waxed?
When will the Yard Goats release their promotional schedule? The Inland Empire 66ers sent me theirs before the public release to work out any possible snafus with my travels because I am kind if a big deal. Since my minor league road trips are quite the logistic undertaking, planning in advance is essential. Since your organization has made the preliminary travel list for 2020, I am eagerly awaiting the release of your promotional schedule. You might not have heard being so far away, but the Eugene Emeralds have already invited me to their friendly confines to throw out a first pitch and be part of a pre-game interview. I told them they were taking a great risk by putting a live mic in front of me because sometimes the caboose gets loose, but those madmen are not adverse to risk.
Anyway, I need to run. The Down East Wood Ducks just released their promotional schedule also, so I need to peruse that. June is looking to be quite the party – Beach Jersey Night is looking like the social event of the season in Kinston. Hopefully, your promotion schedule will be released before individual tickets go on sale on February 7th to ease the burden of my travel planning.
Your friend in baseball,