Dear Patrick Ennis [Director of Promotions and Fan Experience; Carolina Mudcats]:
Congratulations on being one of the first organizations to release their 2020 Promotion Schedule. As one who spends most of the summer visiting minor league parks, it is dedicated individuals like yourself who make my planning such easier. I thank you for dedication that is well ahead of most of your peers. As the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the California League and Beyond, I do have some burning questions about your schedule and hope you have the time to answer them.
- The Mudcats’ Thirsty Thursdays’ special is half off all draft beer and Pepsi products. Half off what, my good man? MLB prices? Or a fair price for the working man? Wade Howell’s Wood Ducks offer $1.00 Natty Lights. Wade will not let you take them on the field when he invites you to come to his stadium to throw out the first pitch. Also, I know North Carolina is shackled to Pepsi products, but is there any chance my traveling companions can get some Coca Cola in which to pour their cheap bourbon that they will be sneaking into the park if we ever make it to Five County Stadium?
- You are giving away 15,000 magnet schedule the first three games of the season. Our here in the California League, we would call that very ambitious. When do you plan on finally giving all those away? Do you send any of the extras to other teams, say like to my pal Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]? You should send him one every day for a very long time just because you can.
- Your promotion schedule says that Friday Fireworks are accompanied by upbeat music. That is very broad, Patricio. Are we talking Classic Rock? Stadium Anthems? Death Metal? K-Pop? How can you be sure it is upbeat for everyone?
- Your Columbus Scrambled Dog. Do you steam that or grill it? Steaming hot dogs is for the morally invalid. Do you crumble the oyster crackers? If so, do your concession workers have strong personal hygiene?
- Did you know your Ag Night is on the anniversary of D-Day? Maybe you can slap some camo paint on a few John Deers and let loose. The ghost of Tom Joad haunts the Cactus League, so we take Ag Night very seriously out here, except in San Bernardino, with is an urban wasteland on the edge of a desert.
- I see you have a Christmas in July Night. Why not a Thanksgiving in June?
- You have no Tuesday promotions of yet. Two words: TACO TUESDAY. Two more words: TEQUILA SHOTS!
- Any chance of changing the stadium name to the more accurate Four County Stadium? Wilson County is a bit down the road.
You probably heard that my travels took me through the Carolina League last season, and many said my appearances at their park were the social events of the season. I did not make it to Zebulon because no one in your front office answered my missives. I did make it to Salem, Wilmington, Fayetteville, Kinston, and Fredrick. Initially, I was not planning on returning to Carolina League this year, but Kannapolis and Fredericksburg are opening new stadiums, so if I am traveling all that way, I might as well make it worth my while. Plus, I am worried about the Pelicans’ bouncing back from losing a Golden Bobblehead to something called the Udder Tuggers, so I might have to go way down there to check on them. I suppose I could could bring joy and cheer to your park also.
Did you know I am the president of the Southern California Down East Ducks Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter? I brought a little bit of of the Carolina League with me. I am sure if you sent some Mudcat bling to us, we would wear it our monthly meeting. We might even wear it to San Manuel Stadium, home of the Inland Empire 66ers, and possibly the greatest fan base in minor league ball — well, at least in Section 102. The Righteous Stoics in Section 207 are nothing not write home about.
I hope to hear from you soon.
Your friend in baseball,