I Tackle Scoreboard Vandalism in Kannapolis

Dear Matt Millward [General Manager; Kannapolis Cannon Ballers]:

It appears your organization’s rebrand is proceeding rather smashingly well even though you named your mascot after an insult to old people. That is acceptable though because those old people are not going to be around too much longer, and they are probably not part of your target demographic anyway. Most importantly, Boomer is not a Brandiose cookie cutter creation with a permanent scowl. He does need a sidekick, perhaps a diminutive creature named Little Napalm, but more about that later.

I write to you to inform you of a terrible transgression against your organization’s new scoreboard. Earlier today, two other organizations (Lexington Legends and West Virginia Power) imposed their logos on a photo of your scoreboard on social media. An executive of your experience knows that this simply cannot happen if your organization is to retain its brand’s integrity. A swift and devastating response is required in this matter, lest no organization will take your scoreboard seriously. Normally, this would be the task of your social media person, but a scoreboard is the window to a minor league team’s soul, I implore you to take matters into your own hands. This is bigger than Twitter spat between low level minor league executives; this is a call for the Big Dawg.

Before we get to your appropriate response, I must commend your merchandise team for creating a very crisp Cannon Baller polo. I almost purchased one, but it did not have your city or team name on the monogram. When I am playing golf, I do not want to field multiple questions from my opponents about what my shirt represents. I just want to hit fairways, sink putts, and steal souls. A simple suggestion that would greatly increase your national sales: include the Kannapolis Cannon Ballers name on the polo. If you feel it will detract for the Boomer logo, put it on the sleeve so people can recognize what the shirt represents.

I would also suggest you flesh out Boomer’s backstory. From where did this modern daredevil emerge? Is he a circus refugee? A carney from Salem? NASA washout? Airborne Ranger from Fayetteville? Ex-CIA? FBI? DEA? AFL-CIO? An unemployed mall Santa? People are going to think the worst until your organization develops his past. Fans want a mascot they can trust, especially as one as good looking as Boomer. A sidekick would go a long way into instilling trust with the fans base. No mustachioed mascot is going run off in the middle of the night with some fan’s drunk wife if a sidekick is involved. Little Napalm is just the mascot for the position.

Speaking of fleshing things out, how is you 2020 Promotions Schedule coming? Will there be Thirsty Thursdays in Kannapolis this season?  A city without Thirsty Thursday is precariously close to being a dry town, and a dry town is very well on its way to become a dead town. As you probably know, I am the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the California League and Beyond, an honor bestowed upon me by Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] last season. He even gave me a stack of business cards to solidify my position. Did you know the Down East Wood Ducks offer $1.00 Natty Lights on their Thirty Thursday? I traveled their last summer at the request of Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] to throw out a first pitch and share takes of the road. This is season I have already been invited to throw out a first pitch for the Eugene Emeralds because I am kind of a big deal.

Let’s return to protecting your scoreboard. Perhaps you should remind the culprits that they are both on the contraction list, so they should stick to saving their own asses instead of usurping your scoreboard image. Offer them a suggestion to market, “Contract this, Robert Manfred!” t-shirts than include their mascots doing a good old-fashioned crotch grab. Make some vague suggestion about future employment if their team loses their affiliation, and that should prevent future cyber vandalism of your new scoreboard.

I am going to try to make the trip to visit your new stadium this summer. I trust your private bar will be well stocked.

Your friend in baseball,


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