I Have Suggestions For Anna

Dear Anna Forslin [Promotions Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I hope you have been well as I have not heard from you in LIKE FOREVER. I know you have been very busy preparing the 2020 Promotions Schedule, and since Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers] leaked me a rough draft of the schedule, I have been studying it intently for the last week. I must say it looks splendid, and I am very excited for some of the exciting events that are headed our way this season. However, I do have some questions. I do know this is a tentative schedule is a living document throughout the season, so please take my question with the spirit in which they are written.

What happened to Star Wars Night? Just because the saga ended does not mean geeks of all ages from the Inland Empire will not flock to San Manuel Stadium to cosplay and take pictures with their favorite characters. You guys could be like Disneyland and sell blue yogurt as a drink, and the dupes will pay more for that than beer on a Saturday night. Perhaps Joe Hudson [General Manager] and I can recreate the scene between the ghost of Han Solo and Kylo Ren in Rise of Skywalker on top of a dugout, say right before the Toyota truck promotion. Did you know that a home run has never been hit through that little window in the truck placard atop the outfield in this history of San Manuel Stadium? Maybe this will be the year.

I see that Mondays are still Man’s Best Friend Mondays in which people can bring their dogs to the stadium to sit on the urine soaked outfield berm. I am resigned to the fact that this promotion is not going to go quietly into the night, but perhaps we can spice it up a bit. Make every Monday a dog movie theme night. Scooby Dooby Do, where are you? Turner and Hooch. Me and Marley. Old Yeller. E.T. (which is really Old Teller except the dog is an alien, and the protagonist does not have to shoot him at the end because aliens do not get rabies). Cujo. Show some clips from the films. Have Bernie and Slick recreate some scenes. Cut drink prices in half. Maybe sell pot brownies on Scooby Doo Night.

I see right now there are only four promotions including the July 4th Fireworks display, which I do not attend because I go through the life making my own fireworks. I know the schedule makers did not give the 66ers many weekend games this July, so I have bold idea that will cost nothing and attract attention from all over minor league baseball. We will have Minor League Executive Recognition Nights on those weekday games. One night you can honor Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds}. Another night Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]. You can announce this promotion to all clubs and have them nominate their own execs wit the caveat that this shit needs to be funny. We do not care how many puppies Hunter saved from burning buildings; we want the juicy stuff. This will make you immensely popular at next year’s winter meetings.

Perhaps Two Dollar Tuesdays should be marketed as Two Dollar Taco Tuesdays. I mean, you are already selling tacos for two dollars that night. Use the slogan to your advantage, especially since those tacos are great. People who come to weekend games might not be inspired to come back on Tuesday to see a game on a work night, but offer them two dollar tacos, and they lose their minds. “This team has no prospects, but TACO TUESDAYS! I’ll drive!” Throw in some tequila promotions, and it is a fiesta!

Do you think a Trout Cooler Bag is a big enough promotion for the Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend? Last year that was one of the biggest nights of the year, thanks to the burrito trucks at the game and that dashingly handsome celebrity judge who sat in the middle. Since California Burrito Night has been moved to late July, perhaps the should be another food truck night, maybe a best of the Inland Empire contest. Or dump the food trucks and have an enormous rib fest. Nothing says Memorial Day like smoked ribs, except for the Indy 500. Maybe have some race cars on the big screen that night. And videos of crashes. People really dig that. Maybe have dinosaurs driving race cars and crashing. Kids will really love that.

Anyway, we still have some time to flesh out the rest of the details of the promotion schedule to make it the best ever. Think Golden Bobbleheads! 

Your friend in baseball,


PS: Promise me you won’t forget the nights that haven’t happened yet!

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