Dead Religions

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Thank you for your quick response to my missive. While the lack of alcohol sales during the season ticket holder breakfast is bitterly disappointing, I understand the rationale behind it. Plus, let’s be honest. Serving alcohol that early to a large part of the season ticket base is a recipe for disaster. I am sure no one will mind if I bring a flask through the gates. Maybe we can share a nip or two or ten.

I also understand about having the breakfast by the front gate to better facilitate the distribution of tickets. After all, it is not as if the the Elmore Sports Mafia provides you with high tech mobile equipment. I bet your printer is as old as my IE 66ers polo. I just hope adequate security will be present to keep the hobos at bay, but not so diligent to search my pockets for my flask.

Oh, how it warms my heart to hear that knocker ball is making a comeback. Your media director should create a “Most Vicious Hits” montage, perhaps even have hits from other organizations. After all, knocker ball is probably the fastest growing sport in America. Did you know it originated in Norway, invented by some dudes named Henrik Elvestad and Johan Golden? They are like Norway’s Bill and Ted, except no George Carlin. Like everything else from Europe, it became much better when it came to America. 

Let’s talk about tarp pulls as it it appears I was not clear. First of all, yes, on paper, the Myrtle Beach Pelicans should be better at tarp pulls than the 66ers because San Manuel Stadium is on the edge of the desert. However, this is the Pelicans we are talking about — an organization that lost multiple Golden Bobbleheads to the Udder Tuggers and misplaced their promotional koozies at Cubs.con. I am starting to wonder if nitrous oxide abuse is the norm there. They are not putting Wheaties in microwaves like the Emeralds are doing in Eugene, but the giggles are strong with that group. I am not making any lifestyle judgments here, but the 66ers are run by Joe Hudson, two time Cal League Executive of the Year.

Most importantly, the 66ers are not going to participate in any tarp pull competition because tarp pulls suck. The 66ers are going to issue the challenge, then let everyone else compete and sweat their asses off, and then tell the competition, “You know what, you guys are better at tarp pulls than us. Thanks for playing. We are not dumb enough to pull tapes when it is not raining. You guys looked good doing it though. Really.” I am sure the Pelicans would be quite happy they finally won something. 

I never really have thought what Bernie’s love interest should look like because that is rather creepy. Yes, I know it was my suggestion that Bernie have a romantic interest, but I really did not delve into the details. In the spirit of Old Berdoo, maybe Bernie’s dream girl should wear black leather and ride a Harley. Perhaps she has a Cherub tattoo on her left bicep (see me work my cross promotional magic — it is genius like this that gets me the business cards). She needs to be free like the wind and filled with the outlaw spirit, but also as pure as the Sun Maid Raisin girl. Maybe she has a little of the Wendy’s girl in her. Definitely a whole lot of the Green M&M. You might be thinking, “Bads85, you are describing Flo from Progressive!”, and while I did not set out to do that, Flo sure makes sense especially if the 66ers can bag a corporate sponsor out of the deal.

I have one last question about the season ticket breakfast: will there be tunes being played? I am very adept at making playlists, and I have a couple killers ones leftover from the Cactus League that really never received the attention they deserved because some of my traveling companions are still stuck in the record stop in High Fidelity. Perhaps these playlists can be shared with the season ticket holder base, who can still rock in America.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Is everything copasetic in Eugene? The minor league community have heard rumors of savage things like Corn Flakes and Wheaties in microwaves in your front office. Your organization’s Twitter page has not had a post in days, which makes me wonder if some sort of uprising happened and you have been disposed. If you are still in command, I would suggest some front office tarp pulls to re-instill discipline. If you are no longer in charge, I certainly hope the new overlords will still let me throw out a first pitch at PK Park later this summer. 

Yes, a steady tarp pull regime should do wonders for morale in your front office. Now perhaps because of the synthetic turf at your stadium, tarp pulls are a thing of the past. It is rather hard to find that information on the internet, but I am sure there are plenty of tarps to be found in a place as soggy as Eugene. Since you are are a short season club and really have nothing to do in March, I would suggest a morning and afternoon pulls until your crew becomes really good at this. I mean, you will never become as efficient as the Inland Empire 66ers’ well-oiled machine that rarely has to perform a pull out of necessity, but then who is? Those consummate professionals just love to perform. 

In fact, word on the street is that the 66ers are going to issue a tarp pull challenge for all the minor leagues as part of their season ticket holder breakfast (this has yet to be cleared with Joe Hudson, [General Manager] who is busy finding a new pump for the knocker balls). Your organization should train to be competitive in the competition. Glory awaits for those who put in the effort. At the very least, your staff will not be committing crimes against nature with cereal in the break room. Hey, does cereal auto correct to feral on your phone? Asking for a friend.

Did you see that I wore my Emeralds’ hat to the Cactus League last weekend? I must say, I looked quite smashing in it. No one at the five games I attended had any idea whose logo was on the hat, but I am a patient man who did not mind explaining just whom the Sasquatch represents. A shirtless hobo with a Big Foot tattoo on his heart tried to steal the hat on the mean streets of Scottsdale, but my crew intervened and shared some Boone’s Farm with him. We think he used to work for the Houston Astros and was let go in a scapegoat measure. We sent him home happy. It is the little things like this that appease the cruel baseball gods.

I need to get going. Daylight Savings starts this weekend, and I must train.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Sean Petersen [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Thank you for the hook up with the 2020 California All Star League Game tickets up north in splendid Stockton, the second prettiest California city to have declared bankruptcy. Having access to these tickets is not quite as nice as having a 2019 Cal League All Star polo, but I am sure the Owen Hopkins [Ticket Sales & Merchandise Executive; Stockton Ports] will come through for me with the 2020 version because I put him on the fast track to the upper echelons of the Ports’ front office. I am sure he will get me access to the VIP sections also, especially since Mayor Michael Tubbs wants to meet with me to discuss the pros and cons of Universal Basic Income.

Alas, I have been busy helping other organizations with their obvious structural problems to properly converse with you, Rock. How is the married life treating you? Will we be hearing the pitter patter of the feet of a little minor league executive soon?

I need to RSVP for the 66er’s 2020 Season Ticket Holder Pick Up Party on March 28th As always, I do have some questions and suggestions:

1. What exactly constitutes a light breakfast? In my circle that means beer, not bourbon. Will the taps be flowing? Will the Garage be open in case I want to Irish up my coffee? Or have a shot?
2. Don’t you think the breakfast should be a safe distance from the main gate in case the “G” Street Hobos get a whiff of whatever is being served? Nothing tarnishes Ticket Pick-Up Day like having to fight off hordes of the homeless who are hellbent of stealing your pastries. Maybe you should put the breakfast in the concourse by the season ticket holder entrance. Nothing causes a stirring quite like walking through the season ticket holder entrance for the first time, plus it is closer to the bar.
3. Will there be any fresh polos to be purchased in the team store? I am tired of being stuck in the 1990’s high school football fashion sense. You know what would look good? A white El Cucuy polo. The black ones are crisp, but one cannot wear the black ones to play golf because of the local climate.
4. Perhaps we can have a festive knockerball tournament on this glorious day. Knockerball was sadly missed last season at San Manuel Stadium. You and Anna should cultivate its return – with more bone crushing hits. Maybe do some two person team competitions.
5. You know what would be some good entertainment for the season ticket holders? Tarp pulls. We can sit in the stands and watch the front office practice the most beloved task in minor league ball. Your front office should issue a challenge to other organizations, and show those clowns floundering all over the place. Oh, how we can all laugh at the Myrtle Beach Pelicans as Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement] tries to rally them. You guys can then do your tarp roll with the military precision that the Inland Empire has come to know and respect.
6. After the tarp pulls, I think a Beer Mile is in order. Let’s face it, a large majority of the 66ers’ season ticket base does not receive the recommended exercise their flaccid bodies need. In fact, maybe we should start having Beer Miles every Saturday morning for the season ticket holders, you know, for their health. We should aspire to have the fittest fan base in all the land. Perhaps ten pushups in the Garage gets a customer a dollar of a beer. No goat yoga though.
7. Is Bernie the Beloved Mascot going to be there? Has his costume been sent to the dry cleaners this offseason? Have you guys ever thought of developing a romantic interest for Bernie? His sexual frustration has been palpable the last couple of seasons. Bernie needs some love.

I need to run. I am still thinking my seat in Section 102 needs a nameplate though — or at least one of the barstools in The Garage.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

I have not reached out to you for a while because I know you are a busy man with great responsibilities, plus when I have Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement] as my pen pal, my communication needs with your organization are consistently met. I write to you today because I know he is busy completing the final touches of the Pelicans’ 2020 Promotion Schedule, and he might not have time to share with you the valuable information that I currently  possess. 

If you have followed your organization’s Twitter account lately, you know that I ventured to the Cactus League this past weekend and wore a Pelicans’ t-shirt to two games on Friday. I must say, I looked very good in that shirt and attracted many stares. Most of the people were gazing at my Baseballism Weiner Shorts, but when I said, “Eyes Up; I am not your sex toy!”, my admirers gazed directly into the Pelican. That is some valuable advertising for your organization, and I am very certain I was the only one at all the games this weekend with Pelicans’ gear. Perhaps when Hunter is finished with the promotion schedule, you should send him to the Cactus League to let him pass out some gear to widen the reach your brand. Maybe send him out there with some spending money and a healthy raise. 

I have a quick question about your weekly promotional schedule that was released today.  Monday will be $20 Mega Mason Jar Mixed Drinks for the Myrtle Beach Pelicans this year. At first, that seemed pricey, considering their other drink nights are dirt cheap ($1.00 Thirsty Thursdays). I thought maybe the mason jars are HUGE, and sure enough, an employee from another Carolina League team informed me that, “Mega Mason Jar Monday is presented by RipTydz and Twelve 33 Distillery and features 64oz. Mega Mason Jar mixed drinks for $20 from 6PM to 8PM.” You might be asking yourself why an employee of another organization was giving me this information rather than one of your own, and I really do not have any answers for that, other than whispers of Bads85 being blackballed. 

Do you think it is wise to serve 64 ounce drinks to individuals? People will be passing out in their seats, probably not before projectile vomiting occurs. Or is the plan to serve some seriously watered down drinks? As you well know, I am all about reckless drinking and all the fun and wonder that comes with that, but even I draw the line somewhere. I remember a time when the Chinese restaurant across the street from Fiscalini Field used to serve insane Scorpions before Thirty Thursday, and people used to suck this things down with a straw, then stumble across the street to pound $1.00 pitchers of Coors Light. Yes, it was a simpler time, but one more than one occasion, people’s trucks ended up in a cactus garden near the end of Electric Avenue. Ultimately, I will defer to your judgment, but if I am to come to TicketReturn.com Field at Pelicans’ Ballpark this summer, Monday might be a night I avoid.

Also, have you thought that your policy of letting 17&Us run the bases after games reeks of agism? What about eighteen year olds? If they are old enough to take a bullet for their country, why should they be denied running the bases? We live in litigious times. In certain states, teams get sued for Ladies’ Night. Suppose Sam from Socastee gets a burr up his ass because he cannot run the bases and takes you to court because he is just a peacock who wants to run free?

Did you know that Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] has invited me to come to an Emeralds’ game to throw out a first pitch? He says the two of you are tight. Since any pal of Allan is a friend of mine, I suppose you and I are tighter than we first imagined. I almost feel bad about the Udder Tugger teasing. Almost. I am sure an offer to throw out a first pitch at your stadium would make me feel downright contrite. 

I need to get some sleep. My liver is still pulsating from the Cactus League trip.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Are javelinas allowed on Wet Nose Wednesday? Asking for a friend. 

Dear Andy Halvert [Territory Sales Manager at Bevi; Phoenix Area]:

I am leading a pretty wretched crew of reprobates to the Valley of the Sun for a Cactus League excursion this weekend, and one of my traveling companions has brought it to my attention that the house we are renting is bereft of any Bevi products. He is nearly in tears because he does not believe we will be to able to duplicate the perfect mix of peach and mango, and if we cannot do that, how we will remain properly hydrated? He is convinced that a javelina will be gnawing at his ribs come Saturday because his body fluids will have dropped to a precarious level.

Look, I cannot have this man’s anxiety tarnishing the trip. What do you have in the way of three day rentals? We need a next-generation, internet-connected water machine that dispenses filtered still and sparkling drinks, fruit flavored and plain—all via an interactive touchscreen. Our mission is to disrupt the beverage supply chain and help remove the waste created by bottles and cans in the workplace. I believe Bevi has the same mission. 

What type of themes do you have for the screen savers? My friend is still gushing about the Valentine’s Day and Super Bowl screens his office had. Hopefully, you have the Cactus League stadiums (except for the Angels’ stadium because that those tight confines suck).  If not, perhaps you could send an intern out tomorrow to get some good shots as we will not arrive until Thursday. My friend would greatly appreciate it. 

Also, can you minimize the time it takes the water cooler to wake up from the screen saver? We are men on a tight schedule this weekend. Do you have any models that come with a remote? My friend likes the flavored water, but he hates pressing and holding on a touchscreen to dispense water. He’ll be pressing the button, and after a second or two it will stop dispensing, because of a touchscreen failure, and he will have to lift his finger and apply it again; which is especially infuriating as there is generally a line for water, because the machine dispenses water so slowly.

What happens if you put vodka in one of your machines — not a lot, just something to ease the edge of the hangover? You should write a proposal for your boss about creating a campaign in which your machines are hangover cures. You could become rich. I do not want a cut because I am already spiritually wealthy — you can just let us rent one of your machines for free this weekend (I would get a security deposit from my friend though). 

I eagerly await your response.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Aaron Hahn [Vice President’ Assistant General Manager; Wisconsin Timber Rattlers]:

I hope the opening of spring training games finds you well. I recently came across an advertisement for you Fifth Annual Fans’ Food Fight, and I must say I am a bit disappointed that this does not involve there throwing of food items at other fans. However, a grizzled minor league veteran like myself knows quite a bit about minor league fare, and I have a sure fire winning recipe that I thought I would share directly with you so you can go ahead and award me the prize, which really in not clearly stated in your advertisement. Since I am kind of a big deal and spiritually wealthy, you can donate my winnings to a local charity, preferably one dedicated to keeping the bellies of hobos full. 

My winning dish is simple: Pelican Sliders. You might be thinking, “Bads85, pelicans are not made for human consumption!” You know what, you are right, which is why the recipe calls for ground beef instead of minced pelican meat. The purpose of this dish is rub salt in the wound of a vanquished foe, the Myrtle Beach Pelicans, who your organization soundly trumped in the Golden Bobbleheads TWICE last winter. Let me tell, you that front office is still licking its wounds for losing TWICE to something called the Udder Tuggers, so a gentle reminder in your promotion schedule will make them work harder to up their game, which in the long run, will make minor league baseball a better place. You see as a Thirsty Thursday Ambassador, I am all about making minor league baseball better, one organization at a time.

The ingredients are simple (for 12 sliders):

• 4 lb ground beef
• 1 teaspoon salt (best if obtained from the tears of the Pelicans’ Front Office Staff)
• 2 teaspoons pepper
• 2 teaspoons garlic powder
• ½ white onion, diced
• 6 slices cheddar cheese
• 12 Hawaiian sweet rolls
• 2 tablespoons butter, melted
• 1 tablespoon sesame seeds

Preparation

• Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C).
• Combine the beef, salt, pepper, and garlic powder in a 9×13-inch (23×33-cm) rimmed baking dish, mixing thoroughly, then pressing into a flat, even layer. Bake for 20 minutes. Drain the liquid and set the cooked beef aside.
• Slice the rolls in half lengthwise. Place the bottom half in the same baking dish. Place the cooked beef on the rolls, followed by the onions and cheese. Top with the remaining rolls.
• Brush the tops of the rolls with melted butter and sprinkle the sesame seeds on top. Bake for 20 minutes, or until the bread is golden brown and the cheese is melted.
• Slice into individual sliders, then serve.

Feel free to substitute beef tenderloin for ground beef like we would do in California if your fan base can handle that. The important thing is to picture the Myrtle Beach front office staff when they see this being served. Oh, how they tried to take your Golden Bobbleheads from you, and oh how they failed! 

I must admit I found your Udder Tugger promotion rather disturbing, even though it was wildly successful. Why is the cow so angry? Yes, I know it is a Brandiose design, but has that cow been milked? Those udders are practically bursting. And just where is the cow running to? Is she being chased? By whom? An alligator? Perhaps this year if you give the cow a name and backstory, it will not appear as a savage beast. If you are going for savage, put the cow on a Harley Davidson with an M-60 machine gun and an ammo belt. Perhaps a tattoo that says “Mama”.

I must say, your 2020 promotion schedule looks outstanding (the Pelicans have not even released theirs yet). If you can, you might try to squeeze in Bass Boat Regatta Night. Every outdoorsman who brings his fishing boat to Fox Cities Stadium gets a discounted ticket to the game. The tailgate in the parking lot will be epic. People will probably start taking off their clothes, which means the ice cream sales will spike later in the evening as the hot fudge will be craved. 

One last suggestion before I go (for now). Maybe you guys can design a Timber Rattlers polo that does not look like something only a pasty Midwesterner would wear. Work o that national brand!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I have a killer recipe for a dip named Pelican Poop also — you know, for very special occasions.

Dear Kat Deal [General Manager Greeneville Reds]:

Congratulations for being named General Manager of your organization. As Ferris Bueller once said, life comes at you pretty fast down here, so I hope you have acclimated yourself to the nuance of the job this past week because it is time to make your mark in minor league baseball. Now that you are an experienced veteran on the the job for almost a week, let us discuss your first major order of business: landing the naming for Pioneer Park, the jewel of the Appalachian League. Yes, I know the stadium is part of Tusculum University and out of Boyd Sports Group’s hands, but an impressive offer that satisfies Scott Niswonger’s bloodlust will make this happen. After all, we know that Scott is the man behind the curtain in that community. 

I represent of group of baseball writers and fans who are not only spiritually wealthy, but have money to spend on extravagant, symbolic gestures. As you well know, minor league baseball is under fire from that toady Robert Manfred, who leads a group of socially inept vampires who worship at the altar of EFFICIENCY THROUGH ANALYSIS. Most of these people joined the analytics revolution to do good in the baseball world, but their scientific gains were eventually stolen and warped by powers much larger than them. Some of them even joined the dark side themselves, seduced by power and narcissism. If this sounds familiar, it is basically the plot of Rogue One and the Star Wars prequels. If only these people had played more with their Boba Fett action figures, history would not be repeating itself here. Branch Rickey is not coming up from the grave to smite these fools, so people like whom I represent must take up arms because as the man on the radio says, 

“Duty charges me remain until 

The end the last battle of the last war 

Until that morrow render unto me 

That which is mine my stipend well deserved 

The fairest flower of your progeny 

Your sons, your daughters your hopes and your dreams 

The cruel consequence of your conceit”.

My group would like to rebrand Pioneer Park as Contract This Field. We feel that a consistent, deprecatory needling would be an appropriate reminder to the Commissioner that the power of baseball will prevail over his ill advised, forced Darwinism. We feel an overt challenge to his power grab is an appropriate retaliation for his arrogance. We also believe that Mr. Niswonger, who has more money that most lesser deities, does not want to take this affront lightly, and would earnestly support our cause. He brought professional baseball to Greeneville, and I do not think he is going to let Robert Manfred take it away. 

The going rate for a naming right deal for an Appalachian League is around $50,000, Since that is ashtray money for Mr. Niswonger,  I am sure he will waive our fee to stick it to Manfred, so why even worry about the exchanging of funds at this point? I think we can move to the press release part of the the transaction. Imagine the buzz when Contract This Field goes viral. This is David vs. Goliath all over again, except with cleats instead of sandals. The little Appy League team whips the stone at Manfred’s cranium. The cash registers will be ringing, especially since you can nationally market t-shirts (just use UPS to ship the merchandise because Fed Ex are a bunch of non union clowns). 

You might be thinking, “But Bads85! I am a new GM! Should I not be playing this close to my vest this early in my position?” Well, Kat (did you know I have a daughter named Kat?), the Appy League is facing extinction. It does not need playing it safe now. It needs a hard fusion of the Pioneer Spirit and the Outlaw. You have nothing to lose, and everything not gain. This is your time, your battle. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Get IT to date your front office page so your name is on there. The press is going to want to talk to you very soon.

Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

Hello, my good friend! It has been a while since we have corresponded as I have been busy saving minor league baseball from the nefarious Robert Manfred while I assume you have been toiling away with the Pelicans’ promotion schedule, which has yet to be released. While many other minor league organizations have already released their promotion schedule (including the Timber Rattlers, aka the Udder Tuggers, I am sure the delay from your organization is because you are ensuring it will be extra special. Are you guys doing the horsey night again? Ever thought of leaning towards NASCAR?

I have some exciting news. I petitioned Anna Forslin [Promotions Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] for the Inland Empire 66ers to have a Hunter Horenstein Night on April 20th this season. She has not given me the affirmative yet, but the fact that she did not outright reject it is a positive. It would be a small affair because I know you are not the type who wants undue attention. We would put your image on the the big screen on the largest scoreboard in the California League, most likely a picture from last Christmas when you were sporting this wonderful burgundy pants. Since the 66ers will probably be doing this on a Monday night, all 357 people in attendance will go wild. 

There might be more people there that fateful night if the new Michelada Monday Nights are successful, but I am not sure how committed the 66ers are to that new promotion. The 66ers are supposed to be having the second Michelada Monday Night on February 17th at Mr. Taco in Redlands, but there has been no reminders sent out to the thirsty faithful, which makes me wonder if the 66ers current front office threw any good keglers in college. Hopefully it is still on so I can finalize your big night with Anna. I am sure that you will not be able to make it that night because of your many commitments in Myrtle Beach (hopefully you will have the promotion schedule done by then).

Hey, have you guys thought of having a promotion making fun of Robert Manfred? It really isn’t hard to do because every time he opens his mouth, he illustrates that lobotomies last forever. Normally, it is not kind to disparage a person who has obviously had a steel beam pushed slowly through his cranium, but this guy is shitting all over baseball.  The Pelicans need to take this clown a notch or few —- on Shriner Car Night! Hook up with the local Shriner chapter at 9589 N Kings Highway, and have those guys organize a parade to the stadium, and they all wear Manfred masks. I bet the Udder Tuggers do not have the intestinal fortitude to pull that off. Did you know Manfred posts up his Christmas lights before Thanksgiving?

I see that your organization is hiring these days. I briefly thought of sending my resume to Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] so we could be co-workers, but your organization’s website is very, very slow these days, and I just cannot deal with that sort of nonsense. I doubt if Ryan would give me a remote job anyway because I certainly am not spending an entire season in Myrtle Beach. I am a peacock, flying into a rainbow, and people gotta let me fly! Like the man on the radio says, I got no use for bourgeois towns.

I need to run. I am expected at a Presidents’ Day Party with a bunch of educators of ill repute.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Tim Jackson [General Manager; Round Rock Express]:

Now that the proverbial shit has hit the fan with your parent club the Houston Astros, the Texas Rangers are not looking so bad, are they? It must be tough as a minor league executive to work underneath unrepentant misogynists and cheaters, especially since the worst of the backlash is yet to come. Have no fear though, Bads85, Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the California League and Beyond, has some solutions for your organization.

First of all, your organization should just lean into the scandal. Show the integrity your parent club does not possess. Express some outrage; after all, the Houston Astros shit all over your brand. Why should the ownership group of Ryan Sanders suffer because of the amoral arrogance of the Houston Astros? Your group should outlive the doddering Jim Crane unless there is a cocaine problem in your front office of which I am not aware. I mean, Nolan Ryan is on your side, and he is the closest living thing to a god us mere mortals are ever going to see.

Secondly, there is money to be made of this fiasco, and in the process, your organization can separate itself from those cheating fucks, and you can send them packing to Sugarland. Do you know how many “Cheaters Never Win — Except in 2017!” t-shirts you can sell? Or “The Houston Astros Stole My Signs And All I Got Was This Overpriced T-shirt and a $14.00 Beer”? Or “Analytics Cheat To Win To Fill the Void in Their Hearts Where Their Souls Should Be”. Or “Brad Pitt Played Billy Beane, but Joaquin Phoenix Will Play Jim Crane” (with The Joker image on the front).

You can have some great theme night promotions too, say for instance, “PECOTA Is The Gateway Drug To Cheating Night” where you dress ups some interns as pencil neck geeks, then parade them through the concourse as enthusiastic fans, enjoying the cheap beer special this night, shower them with debris. Make a video that tells the cautionary tale of what happens when proving the validity your projection system causes your moral compass to wobble. Finish with a winking Seth Beer. Maybe put some dinosaurs on the big screen because little kids love dinosaurs. Have The Hold Steady play a show after the game to erase the acrid taste in everyone’s mouth. Distribute “Institutional Cheating Starts in the Cubicle” refrigerator magnets as fans exit, and this is sure to win a Golden Bobblehead for Best Public Service Announcement. 

Speaking of bobbleheads, maybe have a “Say it Ain’t So, Jose!” Bobblehead Night. Or “Smash Cheating Alex’s Head” where the first lucky 1500 fans can smash a Bregman bobblehead with their heel of their shoes in the concourse. Your should have a Zombie Apocalypse Night also — this has nothing to do with the Astros, but goddamn, those are some fun nights. History forgets the moderates, Tim. Do not be afraid to be radical. Rename the bullpen Trash Can Alley. Change the name of your stadium to Don’t Steal My Signs, Bro! Park. 

I know you might be thinking, “But Bad85, much of our fan base are Astros’ fans. Won’t your measures isolate a great deal of out fan base?” Well, Tim challenge those fans to be better human beings. You know what happens if one lays down with a cheater? The risk of contracting a venereal disease explodes. Besides, there are not that many die hard Astros’ fans anyway. If they refuse to let go of the persecution complex, erect some crucifixes beyond the outfield on which they can climb. Maybe offer some two dollar tacos for when they eventually come down. I am sure if you offer $1.00 Micheladas, they will not stay up there long.

Did you know the Inland Empire 66ers have Michelada and Margaritas Mondays now, even i the offseason? If you are not busy next Monday, you should come join us at Mr. Taco in Redlands, California for the festivities. You just might win a Sugar Skull Cap and get to witness the denizens of Section 102 of San Manuel Stadium drink beer through their eyeballs because when the alcohol hits the optic nerve, FREEDOM!

If you have any questions to steer through this tumultuous time, feel free to contact me. I am a giver.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Anna Forslin [Promotions Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Congratulation on the success of the Inland Empire 66ers’ first Michelada Monday at El Patron in Downtown Riverside last night. Of course, a great deal of the success was due to my presence because of what I bring to a room.  I bet you did not know this, but not only am I a Thirsty Thursday Ambassador, but also a Michelada and Margarita Maestro. I eagerly await the next Michelada Monday at Mr. Taco in Redlands next week. I plan on bringing a rather large contingent as there will be a Down East Wood Ducks Southern California Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter meeting just before your organizations gets busy fueling the fun. 

I do have a few suggestions for next week:

1. As discussed in great detail last night, make sure you include margaritas on this special day.
2. Make sure Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers] is present as this will be a good time to sell some mini-packs. I can show him my “Drink Through Your Eyeball” trick that everyone loves to see at parties. Bring others from your staff also. Remind them this is a party, and what else are they going to do on their mundane Monday night?
3. Make sure to tell all your guests to wear 66ers’ gear. Let your merchandise advertise your you. When the other customers at Mr. Taco see our raucous group, they are going to realize their lives are a morass of despair and will want desperately to being in our group. That is when Sean swoops in for the sale. 
4. Invite the front office staff of others teams to this event. Even if they do not come because of distance, THE WORD will spread. We post some outrageous pictures on social media from our event, and other organizations will be thinking, “Man, those 66ers have it going on this year. I wonder if they are hiring.” I will drop Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] a line. Maybe Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] will fly down and stay with GM Joe.
5. Start advertising the event immediately. Hammer it all week. Maybe even send emails to season ticket holders because let’s face it, many of them never made it past setting the clock on their VCRs in terms of technological adeptness.
6. Perhaps you can bring a poster board of the Cherubs’ logo. Give graphic design something to do this week; maybe even have them design Michelada and Margarita Monday t-shirts. 
7. Get a local celebrity to make an appearance. If you can’t get one at this late notice, put an intern in a El Cucuy costume. I bet Harrison Ford is not doing anything next Monday though. Reach out to him to tell him I will be there, and we can drink Mind Erasers like we did when we were just kids in Hollywood. 

I must commend you on the Cherub identity for What Could Have Been Night. I will admit upon first glance I thought there were going to be a rapid increase of shallow graves on the outskirts of town because I am a looking forward kind of guy instead of looking to the past loser. However, you pitched the idea very well, and I could see your VISION. Little Angels! In The Dino! This has Golden Bobblehead potential with a few additions. 

We should show what really would have happened in San Bernardino had GM Joe followed Brandiose’s advice by turning San Manuel into a dystopian nightmare complete with burning structures and roaming mobs looking for something else to kick. The 66ers were fresh off a Cal League championship in 2014. Had your organization abandoned the 66ers’ logo, the dead would have risen from the graves to join with the living in demanding the blood of those in charge. Fortunately, GM Joe had the wisdom to reject Brandiose’s baby with the bow, and San Bernardino remains the idyllic paradise it is today. A taco truck or two might be in order for this special night also. Will the Beer Mile be that night?

One other promotion idea before I go: Buster Olney Play In Traffic Night.

Your friend in baseball (and Micheladas),

Bads85