Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
I have not reached out to you for a while because I know you are a busy man with great responsibilities, plus when I have Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement] as my pen pal, my communication needs with your organization are consistently met. I write to you today because I know he is busy completing the final touches of the Pelicans’ 2020 Promotion Schedule, and he might not have time to share with you the valuable information that I currently possess.
If you have followed your organization’s Twitter account lately, you know that I ventured to the Cactus League this past weekend and wore a Pelicans’ t-shirt to two games on Friday. I must say, I looked very good in that shirt and attracted many stares. Most of the people were gazing at my Baseballism Weiner Shorts, but when I said, “Eyes Up; I am not your sex toy!”, my admirers gazed directly into the Pelican. That is some valuable advertising for your organization, and I am very certain I was the only one at all the games this weekend with Pelicans’ gear. Perhaps when Hunter is finished with the promotion schedule, you should send him to the Cactus League to let him pass out some gear to widen the reach your brand. Maybe send him out there with some spending money and a healthy raise.
I have a quick question about your weekly promotional schedule that was released today. Monday will be $20 Mega Mason Jar Mixed Drinks for the Myrtle Beach Pelicans this year. At first, that seemed pricey, considering their other drink nights are dirt cheap ($1.00 Thirsty Thursdays). I thought maybe the mason jars are HUGE, and sure enough, an employee from another Carolina League team informed me that, “Mega Mason Jar Monday is presented by RipTydz and Twelve 33 Distillery and features 64oz. Mega Mason Jar mixed drinks for $20 from 6PM to 8PM.” You might be asking yourself why an employee of another organization was giving me this information rather than one of your own, and I really do not have any answers for that, other than whispers of Bads85 being blackballed.
Do you think it is wise to serve 64 ounce drinks to individuals? People will be passing out in their seats, probably not before projectile vomiting occurs. Or is the plan to serve some seriously watered down drinks? As you well know, I am all about reckless drinking and all the fun and wonder that comes with that, but even I draw the line somewhere. I remember a time when the Chinese restaurant across the street from Fiscalini Field used to serve insane Scorpions before Thirty Thursday, and people used to suck this things down with a straw, then stumble across the street to pound $1.00 pitchers of Coors Light. Yes, it was a simpler time, but one more than one occasion, people’s trucks ended up in a cactus garden near the end of Electric Avenue. Ultimately, I will defer to your judgment, but if I am to come to TicketReturn.com Field at Pelicans’ Ballpark this summer, Monday might be a night I avoid.
Also, have you thought that your policy of letting 17&Us run the bases after games reeks of agism? What about eighteen year olds? If they are old enough to take a bullet for their country, why should they be denied running the bases? We live in litigious times. In certain states, teams get sued for Ladies’ Night. Suppose Sam from Socastee gets a burr up his ass because he cannot run the bases and takes you to court because he is just a peacock who wants to run free?
Did you know that Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] has invited me to come to an Emeralds’ game to throw out a first pitch? He says the two of you are tight. Since any pal of Allan is a friend of mine, I suppose you and I are tighter than we first imagined. I almost feel bad about the Udder Tugger teasing. Almost. I am sure an offer to throw out a first pitch at your stadium would make me feel downright contrite.
I need to get some sleep. My liver is still pulsating from the Cactus League trip.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Are javelinas allowed on Wet Nose Wednesday? Asking for a friend.