Dear Andy Halvert [Territory Sales Manager at Bevi; Phoenix Area]:
I am leading a pretty wretched crew of reprobates to the Valley of the Sun for a Cactus League excursion this weekend, and one of my traveling companions has brought it to my attention that the house we are renting is bereft of any Bevi products. He is nearly in tears because he does not believe we will be to able to duplicate the perfect mix of peach and mango, and if we cannot do that, how we will remain properly hydrated? He is convinced that a javelina will be gnawing at his ribs come Saturday because his body fluids will have dropped to a precarious level.
Look, I cannot have this man’s anxiety tarnishing the trip. What do you have in the way of three day rentals? We need a next-generation, internet-connected water machine that dispenses filtered still and sparkling drinks, fruit flavored and plain—all via an interactive touchscreen. Our mission is to disrupt the beverage supply chain and help remove the waste created by bottles and cans in the workplace. I believe Bevi has the same mission.
What type of themes do you have for the screen savers? My friend is still gushing about the Valentine’s Day and Super Bowl screens his office had. Hopefully, you have the Cactus League stadiums (except for the Angels’ stadium because that those tight confines suck). If not, perhaps you could send an intern out tomorrow to get some good shots as we will not arrive until Thursday. My friend would greatly appreciate it.
Also, can you minimize the time it takes the water cooler to wake up from the screen saver? We are men on a tight schedule this weekend. Do you have any models that come with a remote? My friend likes the flavored water, but he hates pressing and holding on a touchscreen to dispense water. He’ll be pressing the button, and after a second or two it will stop dispensing, because of a touchscreen failure, and he will have to lift his finger and apply it again; which is especially infuriating as there is generally a line for water, because the machine dispenses water so slowly.
What happens if you put vodka in one of your machines — not a lot, just something to ease the edge of the hangover? You should write a proposal for your boss about creating a campaign in which your machines are hangover cures. You could become rich. I do not want a cut because I am already spiritually wealthy — you can just let us rent one of your machines for free this weekend (I would get a security deposit from my friend though).
I eagerly await your response.
Your friend in baseball,