Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
Hello, my good friend! It has been a while since we have corresponded as I have been busy saving minor league baseball from the nefarious Robert Manfred while I assume you have been toiling away with the Pelicans’ promotion schedule, which has yet to be released. While many other minor league organizations have already released their promotion schedule (including the Timber Rattlers, aka the Udder Tuggers, I am sure the delay from your organization is because you are ensuring it will be extra special. Are you guys doing the horsey night again? Ever thought of leaning towards NASCAR?
I have some exciting news. I petitioned Anna Forslin [Promotions Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] for the Inland Empire 66ers to have a Hunter Horenstein Night on April 20th this season. She has not given me the affirmative yet, but the fact that she did not outright reject it is a positive. It would be a small affair because I know you are not the type who wants undue attention. We would put your image on the the big screen on the largest scoreboard in the California League, most likely a picture from last Christmas when you were sporting this wonderful burgundy pants. Since the 66ers will probably be doing this on a Monday night, all 357 people in attendance will go wild.
There might be more people there that fateful night if the new Michelada Monday Nights are successful, but I am not sure how committed the 66ers are to that new promotion. The 66ers are supposed to be having the second Michelada Monday Night on February 17th at Mr. Taco in Redlands, but there has been no reminders sent out to the thirsty faithful, which makes me wonder if the 66ers current front office threw any good keglers in college. Hopefully it is still on so I can finalize your big night with Anna. I am sure that you will not be able to make it that night because of your many commitments in Myrtle Beach (hopefully you will have the promotion schedule done by then).
Hey, have you guys thought of having a promotion making fun of Robert Manfred? It really isn’t hard to do because every time he opens his mouth, he illustrates that lobotomies last forever. Normally, it is not kind to disparage a person who has obviously had a steel beam pushed slowly through his cranium, but this guy is shitting all over baseball. The Pelicans need to take this clown a notch or few —- on Shriner Car Night! Hook up with the local Shriner chapter at 9589 N Kings Highway, and have those guys organize a parade to the stadium, and they all wear Manfred masks. I bet the Udder Tuggers do not have the intestinal fortitude to pull that off. Did you know Manfred posts up his Christmas lights before Thanksgiving?
I see that your organization is hiring these days. I briefly thought of sending my resume to Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] so we could be co-workers, but your organization’s website is very, very slow these days, and I just cannot deal with that sort of nonsense. I doubt if Ryan would give me a remote job anyway because I certainly am not spending an entire season in Myrtle Beach. I am a peacock, flying into a rainbow, and people gotta let me fly! Like the man on the radio says, I got no use for bourgeois towns.
I need to run. I am expected at a Presidents’ Day Party with a bunch of educators of ill repute.
Your friend in baseball,