Dear Tim Jackson [General Manager; Round Rock Express]:
Now that the proverbial shit has hit the fan with your parent club the Houston Astros, the Texas Rangers are not looking so bad, are they? It must be tough as a minor league executive to work underneath unrepentant misogynists and cheaters, especially since the worst of the backlash is yet to come. Have no fear though, Bads85, Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the California League and Beyond, has some solutions for your organization.
First of all, your organization should just lean into the scandal. Show the integrity your parent club does not possess. Express some outrage; after all, the Houston Astros shit all over your brand. Why should the ownership group of Ryan Sanders suffer because of the amoral arrogance of the Houston Astros? Your group should outlive the doddering Jim Crane unless there is a cocaine problem in your front office of which I am not aware. I mean, Nolan Ryan is on your side, and he is the closest living thing to a god us mere mortals are ever going to see.
Secondly, there is money to be made of this fiasco, and in the process, your organization can separate itself from those cheating fucks, and you can send them packing to Sugarland. Do you know how many “Cheaters Never Win — Except in 2017!” t-shirts you can sell? Or “The Houston Astros Stole My Signs And All I Got Was This Overpriced T-shirt and a $14.00 Beer”? Or “Analytics Cheat To Win To Fill the Void in Their Hearts Where Their Souls Should Be”. Or “Brad Pitt Played Billy Beane, but Joaquin Phoenix Will Play Jim Crane” (with The Joker image on the front).
You can have some great theme night promotions too, say for instance, “PECOTA Is The Gateway Drug To Cheating Night” where you dress ups some interns as pencil neck geeks, then parade them through the concourse as enthusiastic fans, enjoying the cheap beer special this night, shower them with debris. Make a video that tells the cautionary tale of what happens when proving the validity your projection system causes your moral compass to wobble. Finish with a winking Seth Beer. Maybe put some dinosaurs on the big screen because little kids love dinosaurs. Have The Hold Steady play a show after the game to erase the acrid taste in everyone’s mouth. Distribute “Institutional Cheating Starts in the Cubicle” refrigerator magnets as fans exit, and this is sure to win a Golden Bobblehead for Best Public Service Announcement.
Speaking of bobbleheads, maybe have a “Say it Ain’t So, Jose!” Bobblehead Night. Or “Smash Cheating Alex’s Head” where the first lucky 1500 fans can smash a Bregman bobblehead with their heel of their shoes in the concourse. Your should have a Zombie Apocalypse Night also — this has nothing to do with the Astros, but goddamn, those are some fun nights. History forgets the moderates, Tim. Do not be afraid to be radical. Rename the bullpen Trash Can Alley. Change the name of your stadium to Don’t Steal My Signs, Bro! Park.
I know you might be thinking, “But Bad85, much of our fan base are Astros’ fans. Won’t your measures isolate a great deal of out fan base?” Well, Tim challenge those fans to be better human beings. You know what happens if one lays down with a cheater? The risk of contracting a venereal disease explodes. Besides, there are not that many die hard Astros’ fans anyway. If they refuse to let go of the persecution complex, erect some crucifixes beyond the outfield on which they can climb. Maybe offer some two dollar tacos for when they eventually come down. I am sure if you offer $1.00 Micheladas, they will not stay up there long.
Did you know the Inland Empire 66ers have Michelada and Margaritas Mondays now, even i the offseason? If you are not busy next Monday, you should come join us at Mr. Taco in Redlands, California for the festivities. You just might win a Sugar Skull Cap and get to witness the denizens of Section 102 of San Manuel Stadium drink beer through their eyeballs because when the alcohol hits the optic nerve, FREEDOM!
If you have any questions to steer through this tumultuous time, feel free to contact me. I am a giver.
Your friend in baseball,