Dear Aaron Hahn [Vice President’ Assistant General Manager; Wisconsin Timber Rattlers]:
I hope the opening of spring training games finds you well. I recently came across an advertisement for you Fifth Annual Fans’ Food Fight, and I must say I am a bit disappointed that this does not involve there throwing of food items at other fans. However, a grizzled minor league veteran like myself knows quite a bit about minor league fare, and I have a sure fire winning recipe that I thought I would share directly with you so you can go ahead and award me the prize, which really in not clearly stated in your advertisement. Since I am kind of a big deal and spiritually wealthy, you can donate my winnings to a local charity, preferably one dedicated to keeping the bellies of hobos full.
My winning dish is simple: Pelican Sliders. You might be thinking, “Bads85, pelicans are not made for human consumption!” You know what, you are right, which is why the recipe calls for ground beef instead of minced pelican meat. The purpose of this dish is rub salt in the wound of a vanquished foe, the Myrtle Beach Pelicans, who your organization soundly trumped in the Golden Bobbleheads TWICE last winter. Let me tell, you that front office is still licking its wounds for losing TWICE to something called the Udder Tuggers, so a gentle reminder in your promotion schedule will make them work harder to up their game, which in the long run, will make minor league baseball a better place. You see as a Thirsty Thursday Ambassador, I am all about making minor league baseball better, one organization at a time.
The ingredients are simple (for 12 sliders):
- 4 lb ground beef
- 1 teaspoon salt (best if obtained from the tears of the Pelicans’ Front Office Staff)
- 2 teaspoons pepper
- 2 teaspoons garlic powder
- ½ white onion, diced
- 6 slices cheddar cheese
- 12 Hawaiian sweet rolls
- 2 tablespoons butter, melted
- 1 tablespoon sesame seeds
- Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C).
- Combine the beef, salt, pepper, and garlic powder in a 9×13-inch (23×33-cm) rimmed baking dish, mixing thoroughly, then pressing into a flat, even layer. Bake for 20 minutes. Drain the liquid and set the cooked beef aside.
- Slice the rolls in half lengthwise. Place the bottom half in the same baking dish. Place the cooked beef on the rolls, followed by the onions and cheese. Top with the remaining rolls.
- Brush the tops of the rolls with melted butter and sprinkle the sesame seeds on top. Bake for 20 minutes, or until the bread is golden brown and the cheese is melted.
- Slice into individual sliders, then serve.
Feel free to substitute beef tenderloin for ground beef like we would do in California if your fan base can handle that. The important thing is to picture the Myrtle Beach front office staff when they see this being served. Oh, how they tried to take your Golden Bobbleheads from you, and oh how they failed!
I must admit I found your Udder Tugger promotion rather disturbing, even though it was wildly successful. Why is the cow so angry? Yes, I know it is a Brandiose design, but has that cow been milked? Those udders are practically bursting. And just where is the cow running to? Is she being chased? By whom? An alligator? Perhaps this year if you give the cow a name and backstory, it will not appear as a savage beast. If you are going for savage, put the cow on a Harley Davidson with an M-60 machine gun and an ammo belt. Perhaps a tattoo that says “Mama”.
I must say, your 2020 promotion schedule looks outstanding (the Pelicans have not even released theirs yet). If you can, you might try to squeeze in Bass Boat Regatta Night. Every outdoorsman who brings his fishing boat to Fox Cities Stadium gets a discounted ticket to the game. The tailgate in the parking lot will be epic. People will probably start taking off their clothes, which means the ice cream sales will spike later in the evening as the hot fudge will be craved.
One last suggestion before I go (for now). Maybe you guys can design a Timber Rattlers polo that does not look like something only a pasty Midwesterner would wear. Work o that national brand!
Your friend in baseball,
PS: I have a killer recipe for a dip named Pelican Poop also — you know, for very special occasions.