Dear Sean Petersen [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:
Thank you for the hook up with the 2020 California All Star League Game tickets up north in splendid Stockton, the second prettiest California city to have declared bankruptcy. Having access to these tickets is not quite as nice as having a 2019 Cal League All Star polo, but I am sure the Owen Hopkins [Ticket Sales & Merchandise Executive; Stockton Ports] will come through for me with the 2020 version because I put him on the fast track to the upper echelons of the Ports’ front office. I am sure he will get me access to the VIP sections also, especially since Mayor Michael Tubbs wants to meet with me to discuss the pros and cons of Universal Basic Income.
Alas, I have been busy helping other organizations with their obvious structural problems to properly converse with you, Rock. How is the married life treating you? Will we be hearing the pitter patter of the feet of a little minor league executive soon?
I need to RSVP for the 66er’s 2020 Season Ticket Holder Pick Up Party on March 28th As always, I do have some questions and suggestions:
- What exactly constitutes a light breakfast? In my circle that means beer, not bourbon. Will the taps be flowing? Will the Garage be open in case I want to Irish up my coffee? Or have a shot?
- Don’t you think the breakfast should be a safe distance from the main gate in case the “G” Street Hobos get a whiff of whatever is being served? Nothing tarnishes Ticket Pick-Up Day like having to fight off hordes of the homeless who are hellbent of stealing your pastries. Maybe you should put the breakfast in the concourse by the season ticket holder entrance. Nothing causes a stirring quite like walking through the season ticket holder entrance for the first time, plus it is closer to the bar.
- Will there be any fresh polos to be purchased in the team store? I am tired of being stuck in the 1990’s high school football fashion sense. You know what would look good? A white El Cucuy polo. The black ones are crisp, but one cannot wear the black ones to play golf because of the local climate.
- Perhaps we can have a festive knockerball tournament on this glorious day. Knockerball was sadly missed last season at San Manuel Stadium. You and Anna should cultivate its return – with more bone crushing hits. Maybe do some two person team competitions.
- You know what would be some good entertainment for the season ticket holders? Tarp pulls. We can sit in the stands and watch the front office practice the most beloved task in minor league ball. Your front office should issue a challenge to other organizations, and show those clowns floundering all over the place. Oh, how we can all laugh at the Myrtle Beach Pelicans as Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement] tries to rally them. You guys can then do your tarp roll with the military precision that the Inland Empire has come to know and respect.
- After the tarp pulls, I think a Beer Mile is in order. Let’s face it, a large majority of the 66ers’ season ticket base does not receive the recommended exercise their flaccid bodies need. In fact, maybe we should start having Beer Miles every Saturday morning for the season ticket holders, you know, for their health. We should aspire to have the fittest fan base in all the land. Perhaps ten pushups in the Garage gets a customer a dollar of a beer. No goat yoga though.
- Is Bernie the Beloved Mascot going to be there? Has his costume been sent to the dry cleaners this offseason? Have you guys ever thought of developing a romantic interest for Bernie? His sexual frustration has been palpable the last couple of seasons. Bernie needs some love.
I need to run. I am still thinking my seat in Section 102 needs a nameplate though — or at least one of the barstools in The Garage.
Your friend in baseball,