Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:
Thank you for your quick response to my missive. While the lack of alcohol sales during the season ticket holder breakfast is bitterly disappointing, I understand the rationale behind it. Plus, let’s be honest. Serving alcohol that early to a large part of the season ticket base is a recipe for disaster. I am sure no one will mind if I bring a flask through the gates. Maybe we can share a nip or two or ten.
I also understand about having the breakfast by the front gate to better facilitate the distribution of tickets. After all, it is not as if the the Elmore Sports Mafia provides you with high tech mobile equipment. I bet your printer is as old as my IE 66ers polo. I just hope adequate security will be present to keep the hobos at bay, but not so diligent to search my pockets for my flask.
Oh, how it warms my heart to hear that knocker ball is making a comeback. Your media director should create a “Most Vicious Hits” montage, perhaps even have hits from other organizations. After all, knocker ball is probably the fastest growing sport in America. Did you know it originated in Norway, invented by some dudes named Henrik Elvestad and Johan Golden? They are like Norway’s Bill and Ted, except no George Carlin. Like everything else from Europe, it became much better when it came to America.
Let’s talk about tarp pulls as it it appears I was not clear. First of all, yes, on paper, the Myrtle Beach Pelicans should be better at tarp pulls than the 66ers because San Manuel Stadium is on the edge of the desert. However, this is the Pelicans we are talking about — an organization that lost multiple Golden Bobbleheads to the Udder Tuggers and misplaced their promotional koozies at Cubs.con. I am starting to wonder if nitrous oxide abuse is the norm there. They are not putting Wheaties in microwaves like the Emeralds are doing in Eugene, but the giggles are strong with that group. I am not making any lifestyle judgments here, but the 66ers are run by Joe Hudson, two time Cal League Executive of the Year.
Most importantly, the 66ers are not going to participate in any tarp pull competition because tarp pulls suck. The 66ers are going to issue the challenge, then let everyone else compete and sweat their asses off, and then tell the competition, “You know what, you guys are better at tarp pulls than us. Thanks for playing. We are not dumb enough to pull tapes when it is not raining. You guys looked good doing it though. Really.” I am sure the Pelicans would be quite happy they finally won something.
I never really have thought what Bernie’s love interest should look like because that is rather creepy. Yes, I know it was my suggestion that Bernie have a romantic interest, but I really did not delve into the details. In the spirit of Old Berdoo, maybe Bernie’s dream girl should wear black leather and ride a Harley. Perhaps she has a Cherub tattoo on her left bicep (see me work my cross promotional magic — it is genius like this that gets me the business cards). She needs to be free like the wind and filled with the outlaw spirit, but also as pure as the Sun Maid Raisin girl. Maybe she has a little of the Wendy’s girl in her. Definitely a whole lot of the Green M&M. You might be thinking, “Bads85, you are describing Flo from Progressive!”, and while I did not set out to do that, Flo sure makes sense especially if the 66ers can bag a corporate sponsor out of the deal.
I have one last question about the season ticket breakfast: will there be tunes being played? I am very adept at making playlists, and I have a couple killers ones leftover from the Cactus League that really never received the attention they deserved because some of my traveling companions are still stuck in the record stop in High Fidelity. Perhaps these playlists can be shared with the season ticket holder base, who can still rock in America.
Your friend in baseball,