Dear Kat Deal [General Manager Greeneville Reds]:
Congratulations for being named General Manager of your organization. As Ferris Bueller once said, life comes at you pretty fast down here, so I hope you have acclimated yourself to the nuance of the job this past week because it is time to make your mark in minor league baseball. Now that you are an experienced veteran on the the job for almost a week, let us discuss your first major order of business: landing the naming for Pioneer Park, the jewel of the Appalachian League. Yes, I know the stadium is part of Tusculum University and out of Boyd Sports Group’s hands, but an impressive offer that satisfies Scott Niswonger’s bloodlust will make this happen. After all, we know that Scott is the man behind the curtain in that community.
I represent of group of baseball writers and fans who are not only spiritually wealthy, but have money to spend on extravagant, symbolic gestures. As you well know, minor league baseball is under fire from that toady Robert Manfred, who leads a group of socially inept vampires who worship at the altar of EFFICIENCY THROUGH ANALYSIS. Most of these people joined the analytics revolution to do good in the baseball world, but their scientific gains were eventually stolen and warped by powers much larger than them. Some of them even joined the dark side themselves, seduced by power and narcissism. If this sounds familiar, it is basically the plot of Rogue One and the Star Wars prequels. If only these people had played more with their Boba Fett action figures, history would not be repeating itself here. Branch Rickey is not coming up from the grave to smite these fools, so people like whom I represent must take up arms because as the man on the radio says,
“Duty charges me remain until
The end the last battle of the last war
Until that morrow render unto me
That which is mine my stipend well deserved
The fairest flower of your progeny
Your sons, your daughters your hopes and your dreams
The cruel consequence of your conceit”.
My group would like to rebrand Pioneer Park as Contract This Field. We feel that a consistent, deprecatory needling would be an appropriate reminder to the Commissioner that the power of baseball will prevail over his ill advised, forced Darwinism. We feel an overt challenge to his power grab is an appropriate retaliation for his arrogance. We also believe that Mr. Niswonger, who has more money that most lesser deities, does not want to take this affront lightly, and would earnestly support our cause. He brought professional baseball to Greeneville, and I do not think he is going to let Robert Manfred take it away.
The going rate for a naming right deal for an Appalachian League is around $50,000, Since that is ashtray money for Mr. Niswonger, I am sure he will waive our fee to stick it to Manfred, so why even worry about the exchanging of funds at this point? I think we can move to the press release part of the the transaction. Imagine the buzz when Contract This Field goes viral. This is David vs. Goliath all over again, except with cleats instead of sandals. The little Appy League team whips the stone at Manfred’s cranium. The cash registers will be ringing, especially since you can nationally market t-shirts (just use UPS to ship the merchandise because Fed Ex are a bunch of non union clowns).
You might be thinking, “But Bads85! I am a new GM! Should I not be playing this close to my vest this early in my position?” Well, Kat (did you know I have a daughter named Kat?), the Appy League is facing extinction. It does not need playing it safe now. It needs a hard fusion of the Pioneer Spirit and the Outlaw. You have nothing to lose, and everything not gain. This is your time, your battle.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Get IT to date your front office page so your name is on there. The press is going to want to talk to you very soon.