Dead Religions

Dear Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing & Communications; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

Hello, old friend! I hope you have been well. It has been a while since we communicated, but Facebook told me not so long ago was the anniversary of my crew’s trip to Segra Stadium where we made your bartender in AEVEX Aerospace Lounge work, work, work. The stories are still being told about that night. I did find out recently that one of my buddies really thought his nachos were subpar, but did not tell me because the thought I would make a scene. However, I am not here to talk about the past, but to look to the future.

It seems some of the characters of last season’s narrative have moved on as Austin J. Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] is chasing corporate sponsorships for the Minnesota Twins while Mark Zarthar is selling hockey sticks or something. And just like that, they were gone from our lives as it is the way of the minor leagues. At least they are not working in retail.

I did see that the Woodpeckers were one of the top organizations in terms of selling merchandise. I was a big part of that as I spent a small fortune in your teams store, but I must say I look smashing in that gear, so it was money well spent. However, due to the Astros’ cheating scandal, I really cannot wear the gear outside of the house without the fear of being pummeled by angry mobs wanting to bestow vengeance, which sharply deflates the ‘Pecker Pride. I would inquire to a retroactive discount, but I am a giver.

I still hold ties to the Carolina League these days as I have sort of become the unofficial advisor for the Myrtle Beach Pelicans. I was instrumental in helping Ryan Moore [General Manager] overcoming his grief in being denied yet another Golden Bobblehead, and I have become Hunter Horenstein’s [Director of Fan Engagement] mentor/life advisor, sort of like Obi-wan and Anikan. We are so tight they want to put a brick with my name on it in their stadium for a small price that we are still negotiating. I almost had convinced Hunter to carjack the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile in the early stages of COVID, but the specter of prison looms a bit larger in a pandemic. Currently, I am trying to get them to rebrand to the Myrtle Beach Horned Grebes, one of nature’s most most monogamous birds.

I see Fayetteville is getting its first Sheetz. As a minor league road warrior, I can tell you that is life changer. You probably do not realize how many flavors of Bugles there are out there, but they should all be on the Sheetz’ shelves (I hope that is the proper possessive of Sheetz). Same with Pringles.

Since Austin and Mark have flown the coop (see the bird connection there?), have you heard who is going to fill the void. I was thinking about throwing my hat in the ring and applying for Austin’s previous position, but I am not sure if upper management thinks I am vice president material, plus they never were really behind the “Fear the Wood! Respect the Peckers!” slogan. Still, as you know I would be a valuable asset to the ‘Peckers going forward, plus Ryan and Hunter would shit their pants if I worked for the competition.

I am sure you have seen the cutouts of fans populating Major League parks? Why not open that up to Segra Stadium? Charge fans a much smaller fee to have their cutouts, and then have someone walk through the stands each day for live updates on the internet. This will certainly help your brand endure in these trying times. Bunker can pose by the cutouts, and fans will repost their image on social media. Suddenly, the ‘Peckers will be spreading like wildfire. I am sure there is a good graphic design establishment in town that could to this cheap. Maybe you could get a crew to launch hot dogs and t-shirts ate the cutouts. Keep them up through the holidays and string some lights on them. Maybe put some gifts at the cutouts’ feet. Ho Ho Ho! It is a ‘Pecker Christmas!

Anyway, I must run as it is cocktail hour, and MLB.tv is calling. Stay in touch, and remember a cutout of Bads85 behind home plate brings life to a stadium.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Do you know who has been suspiciously quiet during the pandemic? Mimes.

Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

I hope you have been as well as you could be in this Season That Never Was. I have been refraining from writing minor league executives during these trying times because of the fear of creating lasting bonds that will be threatened with furloughs. Recently though, I discovered that the Eugene Emeralds created some excellent COVID themed shirts, so I figured there will still be Minor League Baseball after the PPP loans run out, so I should get back in the game. 

I do have to inform you that I wrote Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] before you because those Ems’ shirts were so damn cool. Yes, I know your organization has the very nice “Unflockingbelievable 2020” shirts, and while I will certainly purchase one, the Ems’ shirts called out to my soul. I know this might sting almost as much as coming up short in the Golden Bobbleheads, but take solace in the fact you were the first Carolina League executive I have contacted since I have come back. I wrote to you before Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans].

Since I am a giver, I will offer the Pelicans something I did not offer Allan: a veritable gold mine in the form of what will be the hottest selling t-shirt in the minors this year: “2020: The Longest Tarp Pull EVER!” I was going to save that for the Fayetteville Woodpeckers, but I am confident Hunter can do wonders with this. Just make sure he puts the “Myrtle Beach Pelicans” on there so your national brand will grow. Speaking of Hunter, his COVID hair is magnificent. I hope you are offering him the proper compliments.

Who designed the Pelicans’ Pirate Logo cap? That is one of the most bad ass logos I have had the pleasure to come across. I heard people are getting that tattooed to their extremities. I will have you know it is already tattooed to my soul. The handsome dude modeling it on your organization’s website is is some critical need of sunscreen though as he is getting crispy. I am going to order one of those as soon as they are available. As a wizened minor league vet, I only do pre-orders for shot glasses ever since the Inland 66ers’ Cherub hat fiasco. I am sure I will receive that hat someday, probably long after I am dead.

Have you thought of using this downtime to create a rebranding? Let’s face it, while the Pelicans are a swell family fun mascot, the species is not very sexy, which is why the Pelicans are not a national brand. When society finally emerges from the COVID gloom, sexiness will be needed to recoup lost revenues from the Season That Never Was. It could be a very good time to change to the Horned Grebes, one of nature’s most most monogamous birds. Why the Grebes could be the figure that puts the “United” back in the USA. Or you could just go with one of the world’s finest flying billing machines: the Warthog, which has a rich history in Myrtle Beach. Both will certainly cause the cash registers to ring, ring, ring.

Anyway, I have many missives to write so I am going to let you go for now. I still need to purchase my brick, but I have some inquiries that can only quickly be answered through a phone call. Remember, COVID might take our baseball, but it can never take away Thirsty Thursdays because that is in our hearts.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

1. The Breakfast Club
2. Fast Times at Ridgemont High
3. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
4. Wargames

Dear Kirt Walker [CEO; Nationwide Insurance]:

It is unfortunate that we are meeting in such dire circumstances, but the company that you supposedly run is in the process of stepping on its dick because of its refusal to honor its claims with Minor League Baseball. Kirt, let me ask you this: what type of chucklefuck organization would try to screw over Minor League Baseball during a pandemic? For God’s sake, man, honor the claim before your organization is looked upon like a coughing, maskless hobo fondling the cucumbers in the produce section at Kroger’s. 

It is not too late to do the correct thing: step up to pay the clubs and have a press conference with proper social distancing in which you announce your organization is not only going to honor the claims, but donate boatloads of money to MiLB charities because your company had its head firmly lodged in its sphincter. Peyton and Brad can cut a catchy tune and make another commercial. Perhaps this one can have some homoerotic tension because their most recent commercials have jumped the shark (that is a pop culture term that means “sucked ass”). 

You just inked a multiyear sponsorship with Minor League Baseball last December, and now you are shitting all over your partner. This is already on ESPN! The bad publicity is just going to grow if you do not take firm control of the reigns. Do you think anyone is going to trust their insurance needs to a company that would defecate on grassroots baseball in troubling times? I would like to believe you are smarter than that, Kirt, but this entire mess is not instilling very much confidence. In fact, I am very happy my college bound daughter declined to attend American University this upcoming fall because any institution that would award a Masters of Science to a callous CEO like yourself is probably mass producing heartless automatons who goose-step to the ringing of cash registers. I know goddamn well that your face will not be welcome on Iowa State’s campus if your organization continues down this fraudulent path.

If you cheat these minor league baseball organizations, real people are going to lose jobs. These are not some numbers on an actuarial table; they are hard working people with a passion for an industry that bring immense joy to millions of people. Your company appears to be content hurting those people to save some chump change in the big world of insurance. What are you paying Peyton and Brad? Almost certainly more than would it would take to ensure the Eugene Emeralds remain solvent.

You are probably wondering just who is this articulate and devilishly handsome man that is offering me this RIGHTEOUS THUNDER that will certainly prevent me from further damaging my company’s now teetering reputation. Well, I am Bads85, the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador, and a smoke jumper in the Devil’s arcade. I am also the President of the Southern California Down East Wood Ducks Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter. I am kind of a big deal on the minor league circuits, a wizened traveler with copious amounts of oral tradition to share. Or as the lads from Audioslave once said, “I am not your rolling wheels; I am the highway.”

Tonight, I am also you road to salvation, Kirt. You see, an irreproachable fury has been unleashed to combat your company’s carelessness, something with a force that has not been seen since Kurt Russell decided to run Curly Bill Brocius’s gang into early graves in Tombstone. Johnny Ringo is about to take his final fall. Do you want Nationwide to rest beside him? Even if by some travesty of justice your lawyers triumphed, your company will be forever known as the organization that refused to help Minor League Baseball in its darkest hour. If Nationwide is going to weasel out of its its responsibility with MiLB during a pandemic, what is going to do when drunk Uncle Kenneth falls asleep at the wheel pulling into his garage and puts the Infinity into the bathroom? Not even the desperate and the deranged will want coverage with the company that turned a cold shoulder to Amarillo Sod Poodles. What type of company tries to cross a Sod Poodle, Kirt? What are Peyton and Brad going to think when they found out you tried to screw the pooch?

You have probably been blindsided with the prowess of the legal teams these MiLB teams have amassed. These guys have deep pockets and steely resolve. Hell, they made the goons at Major League Baseball blink before the pandemic. One of the owners you crossed is a legal international arms dealer. Imagine the political clout that guy has. Trust me when I say nothing good can come from tangling with these guys. Settle now and work on rebuilding those bridges.

I am confident you will make the right decision not just because of shit you will have to eat if you continue down the wrong path. We have even discussed the fan protests that will certainly ensue if just I want to believe you are a decent man who temporary lost sight of what is right. It happens to many people in rough times — not me of course because I am spiritually wealthy. Just like Ebenezer Scrooge, you have been given a second chance. Do not run over Tiny Tim.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: When unloading the dishwasher, do the clean dishes go on top of dishes already in the cupboard, or underneath?

Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

I apologize for not checking in with your during these troubled times. I was going to shut down the entire letter thing until baseball came back, but that looks like it is going to be forever and a day before that happens. I mean, it seems like a lifetime ago that we were talking about Foam Parties, and now here we are, on the weekend of what should have been the Pelicans’ big opening home stand, including first Thirsty Thursday, just staring out the window like in was late December. Instead of being at the ballpark with fellow baseball pilgrims, the Southern California Carolina League Bakers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter was relegated to drinking beer together on Zoom while watching 2019 replays on MilBtv.

I will tell you this: we watched the Pelicans’ 2019 Home Opener on Opening Night. We were playing a drinking game in which we had to have a shot every time you came on the screen. We had to wait until the 25:50.03 mark before our first shot, and let me tell you, the minutes felt like hours. Imagine our bitter disappointment when we saw the first between inning promo, and someone named Liz Callaway was on the mic, not you. We stuck around for two more shots (the last one at the 51:20:14 mark), but grew bored and switched to the Inland Empire 66ers’ California Burrito game, which I was a large part of since I was a Celebrity Burrito Judge that night.

Anyway, on Friday we watched the season finale at TicketReturn.com Park, and once again, there was that Liz Callaway on the mic instead of you. Our displeasure was immense, but we are men of solutions, so we did not wallow in our displeasure, but instead modified our drinking game. Every time you come on the screen, we cheer wildly and have a shot of Fireball. Every time Liz Callaway comes on the screen we boo, hiss, throw plush toys at the screen, and have a pull of a White Claw. I am sure Liz is a fine person, and we are not really showing angst towards her, but the absence of you.

We do have a favor to ask of you to help us in our drinking game. It is sort of a pain in the ass to fast forward the stream on MilBtv. without missing certain action. Let’s face it, my friend, some of those local advertisement are truly nerve grating. We understand that is no fault of the Pelicans, but we cannot sit through those. We were wondering if you could sort through the archives and find the moments when you are one the screen, especially when you are doing your Knocker Ball calls. That would greatly expedite our drinking experience.

Hey, did Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] tell you he reached out to me about buying enough Splash Bucks to get a brick? I would have already sent your organization the cash, but there is this soft serve ice cream machine on Amazon that keeps calling my name, which would be a wonderful addition to the bar in my backyard, especially if I am stuck here all summer. Plus, there is this entire “Will the Pelicans still be solvent if there are no games this summer?” I know, I know — sending the Pelicans the money would help them remain afloat, yada, yada, yada, so hopefully I will get around to it this week. You do have to understand this ice cream machine is an industrial model, not some lame ass thing that Bed Bath and Beyond would sell.

I have now watched three Pelicans’ games, so I pretty much have a feel of your stadium because I am a sponge who absorbs images in front of me, except for a few blindspots of the camera. I do have some comments and suggestions:

1. Your Blindfold Jump Roping promotion would be even more exciting if people were throwing beach balls at the participant. Or hand grenades. 
2. Your Wipeout Batter is similar to the 66ers’ Beer Batter, in which fans receive greatly discounted beers if the Beer Batter whiffs. Your fans receive a water park pass, which is swell and all, but why not both?

3. When I finally make it to your stadium to throw out the first pitch, can I run through the Club Cannons?

4. Is Fireball served at the Tito’s Beach Party? At the Clark Addison Grille?

5. Have you ever played Knockerball atop the dugouts?

I saw Ryan was quoted in the Wall Street Journal this week in an article that stated the average minor league employee salary was $61,000. You might ask him where the author came up with the figure. In the meantime, keep trying to rope those tornados. That is what promotions all about, right? Capturing the magic and fury of perfect moment and riding it out. Ol’ Ryan sits in the office, trying to keep things simple, but not guys like you and I. Put the mic in our hands, our lassos twirl. Let the others keep the temple from burning because the roar of the crowd is calling.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

This is a a serious missive — well, it is starting out that way but you know, the scorpion and the frog. I will certainly purchase enough Splash Cash to have a brick with my name on it as part of the Back the Birds promotion once the world settles down a bit. The reasons are that you guys are a top notch organization who do excellent things with your community outreach programs, plus the execution of your promotions is what every minor league team should aspire to. I am correct in believing this small donation goes towards your Community Fund, not Hunter Horenstein’s post graduate fund, right? Plus, you guys have been good sports with my letters — I think. There might be a doll with a 66ers jersey with push pins all over it somewhere in your offices.

I will come clean — I came into your organization’s inboxes because a certain Carolina team that will go unnamed suggested I write to your organization for shits and giggles. There is a very good chance that volumes of alcohol were involved in this conversation, and the Carolina Mudcats were the team to whom I was supposed to write, but details remain hazy and much time has passed. The Eugene Emeralds, with Allan [General Manager] at the helm, took great relish in the initial missive, and it just sort of snowballed from there. These days, Allan seems to be dealing with a growing discipline problem in his front office with people putting cereal in the microwave and what not. They sure do seem to glean pleasure from poking fun at your organization though, all good, clean fun with them being in your affiliate family, but I bet your front office would like a little bit of pushback, especially since they giggled from afar at my missives.

This is why I am not only offering to Back the Birds through purchasing Splash Cash, but also offering assistance in whatever you need in maintaining your rightful pecking order in the affiliate ladder. I am sure your staff is more than capable of handling on its own, but I do say it would be quite the front office coup if suddenly the Myrtle Beach Pelicans were allied with the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the California League and Beyond. It certainly would shape up the Carolina League as the ‘Peckers, Wood Ducks, and Beer Mongers would take note.

But first we must negotiate this brick engraving. According to the terms on your website, a first pitch experiences comes with the purchase. That is almost as exciting as having my name forever etched in Robert Grissom Square. I a sure you have heard I threw out a first pitch at Historic Grainger Stadium last season upon Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads}’ personal request. Not many people know this, but I sort of botched the throw, even receiving a single boo from the single fan in the grandstand that was not a blood relation, mainly because I was not properly warned up because my turncoat children failed to pack the mitts for our trip.

I hope you can accommodate a warm up period for me, say during a Pre Game Catch promotion. I promise I will refrain from drilling your mascot (if i could refrain from drilling the children’s book monster DEWD, I can refrain from hitting the lovable Splash). There is the matter of adjusting from throwing from the mound, but I do not wish to impose upon your organization the request of entering the stadium before the games open to toss a few balls from the mound — unless we were going to start slamming snakebites hours before the first pitch like true minor league executives do. I will even show you my Thirsty Thursday Ambassador Business Card if that happens.

Also, I know this is certainly not normal, but I think I should get some walk up music for this monumental event. I will ponder the proper song, and get back to you. Allan Benavides has invited me to travel to PK Stadium this summer to throw out a first pitch and a pre-game interview, but you guys are probably too busy for that, being a full season team in a large stadium, a stadium with actual grass, but if Hunter wanted to interview me, I would make myself accessible.

Are the Splash Bucks considered legal tender at local bars near the stadium? If the season ever starts this year, it is going to be hard for me to get to Myrtle Beach this year because of my previous commitments with Cal League All Star game in Stockton, so could I donate my Splash Bucks to an amiable wino so he can have a good bender. The alternative would be to trust that you give the Splash Bucks to a needy family so they could have a great time at a game. Yes, that is not as exciting as WINO BENDER, but sometimes the right choice is not the most exciting one. I would definitely make it out to TicketReturncom Field in 2021. I would hope you could send me a picture of my brick do I can flaunt it to other minor league front offices for beer discounts.

Speaking of which, perhaps after this transaction is complete, we change the narrative around the business,and say this is an honorary brick in recognition of my services to the minor leagues as a Thirsty Thursday Ambassador. I mean, that would surely make the Emeralds’ eyes bug out of their hippy heads, plus Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] would be much more likely to allow me to use one of the unused luxury suites at San Manuel Stadium as my office during games.

Anyway, I hope things are not too crazy for your staff during these strange, strange times. Hopefully, this will soon shall pass, and Hunter will be on a dugout soon with a microphone in front of a crowd.

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

It seems we are both relegated to home duty these days, with myself doing something meaningless like designing online curriculum for a bloated school district that had been shuttered, and you having the indispensable job of protecting the Pelican’s brand. It does not look like I will get out to Myrtle Beach this summer for a game and a few rounds of shots with your front office crew. I was hoping for a pre game on the field catch with you, but it looks like that is going to have to wait. I must say, that promotion sounds a little risky. Suppose some guy just hauls off and drills the mascot. Because I would. You would too if you were not an employee. You and I are just out on the field tossing the ball and waving to our throngs of fans, and then WHAM! Splash gets it. Oh, how we would laugh.

I want you to know I would not have missed Runner Up Night for anything. I must commend your organization’s ability to poke fun at itself for having seventeen Golden Bobblehead nominations and zero wins. Allow me to share a couple of secrets with you. Number one, the Golden Bobbleheads are fixed. They are not true measures of the quality of a promotion, and are usually awarded as token appreciations for whatever ever dirty deals went behind closed doors months before (except the year the IE 66ers won for the original Zombie Apocalypse Night; that was legit as those maniacs imploded a police car to start the night). I would tell you not to even worry about consistently losing out to inferior promotions, but secret number two is a Ricky Bobby gem: “If you are not first, you are last!” Perhaps when the season finally starts in 2021, you can play the clip of this during this promotion. 

Hey, now that you are not working from the office, perhaps you can respond via email instead of that secret eye blinking in your promotional videos. I must admit I did not understand you last two messages — something about tainted burritos on someone’s desk, an evicted stripper, and bail bonds. Maybe we can even Zoom because after two days of working with that program, I feel I am a certified expert. If you do decide to liberate the Oscar Mayer Weienermobile to drive it to San Manuel Stadium, Zoom would be an excellent communication tool.

By the way, you might have inadvertently saved Thirsty Thursday with your Foam Party promotion. If soap neutralizes the coronavirus, why aren’t we having foam parties? Because no one has been thinking of social solutions, that is why. As the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador, I can confidently say that baseball does not need to be played on Thirsty Thursday. Parks across the land can schedule Thursday Thursday in conjunction with foam parties, and suddenly America has a social event to look forward to every week. Once I get approval from the California Board of Health, I am buying truckloads of Foam Daddy Stacker Cannons to lease to minor league clubs. I will make sure you get due credit — I can see minor league organizations erecting statues of your likeness in concourses of their stadiums as a tribute to the man who brought society back from the edge of the abyss, so you have that going for you. At the very least, it will look really good on your resume’ for when you fell the time has come to leave the Pelicans because of lack of promotion opportunities. 

Hey, I just saw your Back the Birds promotion, which is a novel way to generate some revenue flow while keeping the fans involved. In all sincerity, this is a brilliant idea. I must ask, what is the letter limit on the wall and the brick in Robert Grissom’s Square? Let’s say I spend $250 on a Tier Three package? Would “Bads85: Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the California League and Beyond” fit on a brick? Perhaps I should go with a large “BADS85” so Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] and you can see it clearly every single day you come to work. I see that also comes with an opportunity to throw out the first pitch. It would mean a great deal to me if you could be the catcher when that happens. 

Oh, what color are the bricks?

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

Yesterday was a dark day as baseball was put on hold. Despondent fans everywhere are looking for a replacement, and while MLB the Show 20 recently dropped, one can only throw at Astros’ batters for so long before the horizon calls. Baseball fans everywhere needs a hero to get them through the darkness, a hero who is willing to go on a dangerous quest that will help the forlorn resort their faith in the future. That hero is you, Hunter. All your life has been leading to this moment. Your time is now.

I am talking about stealing the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile and driving it to San Manuel Stadium in California. In case you have not heard, the Weinermobile has been grounded due to the Coronavirus, meaning a nation’s dreams are shackled somewhere in a parking lot in Chicago. You showed your prowess in navigating Chicago’s roadways during CubsCon when you had to track down those Pelicans’ koozies. That was just a dry run for answering your destiny. You should only travel by night to escape detection. Freeways and interstates are probably out of the question.

You might be asking yourself, “Bads85, why are you not stealing the Weinermobile yourself? Isn’t this your sort of thing?” The short answer to that question is I am too gorgeous for prison,
Hunter. Plus, I have other previous commitments protecting local legends, and being a hero is a young man’s calling. I can only assist from afar and guide you to the glory at the finish line.

You are probably also asking yourself, “Why me?” The short answer to that is those wonderful burgundy pants. The long answer is you are the type of minor league executive that understands the bus story. In 2013, after the San Jose Giants clinched the Northern Division Championship of the California League, the team was immediately awarded with a bus ride to Southern California to play either the Inland Empire 66ers or the Lancaster JetHawks, who were playing the deciding game of the Southern Division Championship. When the bus pulled out of the stadium parking lot, the Giants were not sure who their opponent would be as the southern playoff teams were still playing as the Southern Championship game had gone to extra innings. However, the bus driver knew to go south, and he would get the final destination via his radio, so through the night the Giants’ bus went into the San Joaquin Valley as the smell of rotting corpse of Tom Joad permeated the air.

Meanwhile, the 66ers and JetHawks kept playing. And playing. And playing. Eventually, the bus came to a fork in road the Sierra Pelona Mountains– one way was San Bernardino; the other was Lancaster. The bus was forced to pull over on the side of the road, idling until the 66ers would eventually win in fifteen innings after the clock stuck two in the morning. No remembers it was Abel Baker for the 66ers who drove in Angel Rosa in the fifteenth that night, but some still picture that bus doing its Robert Frost imitation in the desert morning, wondering which way to go with miles to go before the team could sleep.

Most fans do not remember the bus story at all though. And why would they? The minors are a fresh slate each year, players, coaches, stats, and records all pulled out to sea by the tide known as the passing of time. Memories in the minors usually do not last through Christmas. Still, the bus idling in the pines of Gorman on a September night is a dam near perfect snapshot of the minors, To the east, one destiny. To the south, another. But first we must wait for other paths to catch up. And sometimes, we get off the bus and walk towards the future — or run from the law.

The Weinermobile is your bus. Baseball is in limbo, and the country might be in flames soon. The Weinermobile represents everything that is good in this country, and everything great that it can be. It cannot be put to pasture by a virus. It needs to climb the next horizon, and you are just the swashbuckler who has not been crushed by society’s norms to pull this off, a young Han Solo. And yes, baseball is part of this plan as you will be stashing the Weinermobile at minor league stadiums during the day and live broadcasting your trip in minor league garb.

As you trek across the country, your baritone voice will tell a narrative that will inspire hope to all the baseball fans across the land. In our hour of darkness, Hunter Horenstein, the Outlaw Hotdogger, and the Weinermobile will be the light. Everyone will be cheering for you to elude law enforcement to make it to your final destination. Oh sure, some will be rooting for you to perish in a hail of gunfire, but pay them no mind because even if that transpires, you will become a martyr, and martyrs are immortal, figuratively speaking of course.

I would suggest making it to Modern Woodmen’s Park on your first night, the home of the Quad City River Bandits. Word on the street is you have some connections there, people who will give you physical and emotional substance, plus you can park the 27 feet (8.2 m) long and 11 feet (3.4 m) high Weinermobile inside the stadium so it will not be detected. Do not dally too long there though as the River Bandits are bound by Professional Sports Catering, and one of the PSC employees might rat you out. From there, head to Omaha where you meet some assistance with a fast car so you can do the Smokey and the Bandit thing through the Rockies.

More instructions will follow on the route. Be strong, be courageous, and remember, America is counting on you! I am sure you will have many questions which I can answer at a later date.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Mark Beskid [Assistant General Manager, Events & Marketing; Lake Elsinore Storm]:

I have been contemplating punching a mini-season ticket packed for the Storm this year, but when looking through your new promotions schedule, I noticed that your organization has appeared to distance itself from Thirsty Thursdays. It appears there will be only one traditional Thirsty Thursday at your ballpark this season. I must ask, is it wise for an organization that experienced a 17.5% drop in attendance in 2019 to abandon an American fixture like Thirsty Thursdays? I am sure “”Expect the Unexpected Thursday” will not be an utter flop, but do you not think it would be better if it was coupled with Thirsty Thursday? I must admit, as the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador (an honor bestowed upon me by Joe Hudson [General Manager and Two Time Cal League Executive of the Year]), I have a slight bias in this matter, but a minor league baseball season with Thirsty Thursday is like pancakes without maple syrup. I hope this is some sort of oversight.

What is more alarming is that on the first Thursday, your organization is promoting “Midget Wrestling”. I realize that life moves a little slower in Lake Elsinore, but this is the year 2020. “Midget” is not an appropriate word as evidenced by longtime Cleveland sports writer Tony Grossi recently receiving a suspension from his employers for calling Baker Mayfield a “fucking midget” on a live microphone. The Little People of America consider “midget” a slur. Do you really want to have this type of negative publicity, especially at the start of the season?

Have no fear, Mark, for I am a man of solutions. Rather than using a perceived slur in your promotion, title the event “Baker Mayfield Wrestling” as a friendly dig at the struggling quarterback’s tumultuous relationship with Tony Grossi. Imagine the positive national press your organization will receive for the first truly creative promotion of the season. Sure, some hotheads in Cleveland might chirp at you on the internet, but they are never traveling further west than Medina County because of separation anxieties from a past that never was and a future that never will be. Maybe some of your wrestlers can wear Cleveland Browns’ jerseys — good looking old fashioned one, not the trash introduced by Jimmy Haslam.

Of course, this is assuming there is a season at all because of the COVID-19 virus. Has your merchandising team made any contingency plans if the season is shut down? If I were you, I would put in an order for a truckload of T-shits that read, “COVID-19 Shut Down the Cal League, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!” Maybe your organization can have jigsaw puzzles of your beloved mascot, Thunder, frolicking in different parts of the stadium so people have something to do if they cannot go to the games. Or maybe you should just sacrifice Thunder to appease baseball gods and make the virus go away. Once things return to normal, your organization can have a touching memorial in Thunder’s honor as a grateful and packed stadium cheers.

First though, I would think of rectifying the Thirsty Thursday situation as the baseball gods cannot be pleased about that at all. Take care of the Baker Mayfield wrestling thing also before your organization starts to take a beating on social media. You probably should lower beer prices at The Diamond to appease the angry, surging masses. Cutting beer prices makes things better. Always.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Pat Filippone [President; Stockton Ports]:

I see you have not filled Taylor McCarthy’s [former General Manager; Stockton Ports] position yet, which is understandable because Taylor was quite the front office presence and is not easily replaced. Sure, you could offer me his position, and I would take the Ports to heights never seen before, but I would likely turn it down because of the salary constrictions placed upon you by 7th Inning Stretch, LLC. Yes, I am spiritually wealthy, but a man has to maintain his lifestyle. Plus, there is the whole relocation to Stockton thing, which is not happening anytime soon. I suppose we could work out a position in which I work remotely, but we can discuss this at a later time, maybe on Thursday.

I write to you because as the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the California League and Beyond, I am concerned about the 2020 California League All Star Game. With the specter of minor league contraction looming, it is imperative that the California League shines in this moment to momentarily wipe the permanent sneer off Robert Manfred’s face. That odious skid mark of a human being would like nothing more than to see a farce in Stockton this June, and since Taylor left, you are an important man down. I mean, you have a wonderful staff, especially the young and rising Owen Hopkins [Ticket Sales & Merchandise Executive], but are they completely ready to host an All Star game?

I am sure you are thinking, “Bads85, they never are completely ready”, and you are correct, but too much is at stake for your organization to shit the bed. I must ask you, “Are the All Star polos ordered yet? Are they crisp? Can I get one?” I see no All Star Game bling of any sort on your online store, and it is almost St. Patrick’s Day. Also, tell your staff to put shirts on a hangar or a mannequin to sell them instead of throwing them on the turf and snapping a picture with their cell phones. Protect your brand, Pat! Your staff might not be able to do anything about that tiny screen on the scoreboard at Banner Island Ballpark, but they can make the merchandise pop.

You know what might help your front office prepare for the All Star Game? A healthy tarp pull regime. Nothing brings a staff together like rolling a tarp across the field. Every is an equal in this scenario (except for the team president who gets to brandish a saber and a Napoleon Bonaparte uniform). Perhaps your organization can challenge other minor league organizations to create tarp pull videos. Competition makes even the mundane tasks more enjoyable. I hear the Myrtle Beach Pelicans are looking for a challenge.

Is your organization going to promote a regatta during the All Star Week? I would love to arrive to the festivities via watercraft, especially if a Jimmy Buffet cover band is playing on the dock. Or the real Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam. Maybe you can flex your executive muscle and the Heat’s Zamboni to take VIPs like myself from the dock to the front entrance. A cocktail for the ride would be wonderful. Perhaps a back rub from a trained masseuse also.

Hey, how tight are you with owner Tom Volpe? You know what would be a great April Fool’s Day joke? Tell him the front offices across the land are unionizing! Imagine the temporary look of fear and trepidation when he thinks he is no longer going to be able to pay skilled labor peasant wages! I mean, right now he has it great with universities across the land churning out sports management degrees so thousands of graduates can compete in a miniscule job pool. Who cares about turnover in the front office because someone who will work for less is always in line for a top management position. With a union though, things change. Who is going to cross a picket line launch hot dogs and t-shirts from a giant rubberband? Solidarity is the nightmare of owners, even those cozying up to politicians during these troubled times of rumored contraction. Dancing with Mr. Scratch is a dangerous game.

You know what drums out thoughts of unionization? Tarp pulls.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85