Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
I hope you have been as well as you could be in this Season That Never Was. I have been refraining from writing minor league executives during these trying times because of the fear of creating lasting bonds that will be threatened with furloughs. Recently though, I discovered that the Eugene Emeralds created some excellent COVID themed shirts, so I figured there will still be Minor League Baseball after the PPP loans run out, so I should get back in the game.
I do have to inform you that I wrote Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] before you because those Ems’ shirts were so damn cool. Yes, I know your organization has the very nice “Unflockingbelievable 2020” shirts, and while I will certainly purchase one, the Ems’ shirts called out to my soul. I know this might sting almost as much as coming up short in the Golden Bobbleheads, but take solace in the fact you were the first Carolina League executive I have contacted since I have come back. I wrote to you before Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans].
Since I am a giver, I will offer the Pelicans something I did not offer Allan: a veritable gold mine in the form of what will be the hottest selling t-shirt in the minors this year: “2020: The Longest Tarp Pull EVER!” I was going to save that for the Fayetteville Woodpeckers, but I am confident Hunter can do wonders with this. Just make sure he puts the “Myrtle Beach Pelicans” on there so your national brand will grow. Speaking of Hunter, his COVID hair is magnificent. I hope you are offering him the proper compliments.
Who designed the Pelicans’ Pirate Logo cap? That is one of the most bad ass logos I have had the pleasure to come across. I heard people are getting that tattooed to their extremities. I will have you know it is already tattooed to my soul. The handsome dude modeling it on your organization’s website is is some critical need of sunscreen though as he is getting crispy. I am going to order one of those as soon as they are available. As a wizened minor league vet, I only do pre-orders for shot glasses ever since the Inland 66ers’ Cherub hat fiasco. I am sure I will receive that hat someday, probably long after I am dead.
Have you thought of using this downtime to create a rebranding? Let’s face it, while the Pelicans are a swell family fun mascot, the species is not very sexy, which is why the Pelicans are not a national brand. When society finally emerges from the COVID gloom, sexiness will be needed to recoup lost revenues from the Season That Never Was. It could be a very good time to change to the Horned Grebes, one of nature’s most most monogamous birds. Why the Grebes could be the figure that puts the “United” back in the USA. Or you could just go with one of the world’s finest flying billing machines: the Warthog, which has a rich history in Myrtle Beach. Both will certainly cause the cash registers to ring, ring, ring.
Anyway, I have many missives to write so I am going to let you go for now. I still need to purchase my brick, but I have some inquiries that can only quickly be answered through a phone call. Remember, COVID might take our baseball, but it can never take away Thirsty Thursdays because that is in our hearts.
Your friend in baseball,