Dear Pat Filippone [President; Stockton Ports]:
I see you have not filled Taylor McCarthy’s [former General Manager; Stockton Ports] position yet, which is understandable because Taylor was quite the front office presence and is not easily replaced. Sure, you could offer me his position, and I would take the Ports to heights never seen before, but I would likely turn it down because of the salary constrictions placed upon you by 7th Inning Stretch, LLC. Yes, I am spiritually wealthy, but a man has to maintain his lifestyle. Plus, there is the whole relocation to Stockton thing, which is not happening anytime soon. I suppose we could work out a position in which I work remotely, but we can discuss this at a later time, maybe on Thursday.
I write to you because as the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the California League and Beyond, I am concerned about the 2020 California League All Star Game. With the specter of minor league contraction looming, it is imperative that the California League shines in this moment to momentarily wipe the permanent sneer off Robert Manfred’s face. That odious skid mark of a human being would like nothing more than to see a farce in Stockton this June, and since Taylor left, you are an important man down. I mean, you have a wonderful staff, especially the young and rising Owen Hopkins [Ticket Sales & Merchandise Executive], but are they completely ready to host an All Star game?
I am sure you are thinking, “Bads85, they never are completely ready”, and you are correct, but too much is at stake for your organization to shit the bed. I must ask you, “Are the All Star polos ordered yet? Are they crisp? Can I get one?” I see no All Star Game bling of any sort on your online store, and it is almost St. Patrick’s Day. Also, tell your staff to put shirts on a hangar or a mannequin to sell them instead of throwing them on the turf and snapping a picture with their cell phones. Protect your brand, Pat! Your staff might not be able to do anything about that tiny screen on the scoreboard at Banner Island Ballpark, but they can make the merchandise pop.
You know what might help your front office prepare for the All Star Game? A healthy tarp pull regime. Nothing brings a staff together like rolling a tarp across the field. Every is an equal in this scenario (except for the team president who gets to brandish a saber and a Napoleon Bonaparte uniform). Perhaps your organization can challenge other minor league organizations to create tarp pull videos. Competition makes even the mundane tasks more enjoyable. I hear the Myrtle Beach Pelicans are looking for a challenge.
Is your organization going to promote a regatta during the All Star Week? I would love to arrive to the festivities via watercraft, especially if a Jimmy Buffet cover band is playing on the dock. Or the real Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam. Maybe you can flex your executive muscle and the Heat’s Zamboni to take VIPs like myself from the dock to the front entrance. A cocktail for the ride would be wonderful. Perhaps a back rub from a trained masseuse also.
Hey, how tight are you with owner Tom Volpe? You know what would be a great April Fool’s Day joke? Tell him the front offices across the land are unionizing! Imagine the temporary look of fear and trepidation when he thinks he is no longer going to be able to pay skilled labor peasant wages! I mean, right now he has it great with universities across the land churning out sports management degrees so thousands of graduates can compete in a miniscule job pool. Who cares about turnover in the front office because someone who will work for less is always in line for a top management position. With a union though, things change. Who is going to cross a picket line launch hot dogs and t-shirts from a giant rubberband? Solidarity is the nightmare of owners, even those cozying up to politicians during these troubled times of rumored contraction. Dancing with Mr. Scratch is a dangerous game.
You know what drums out thoughts of unionization? Tarp pulls.
Your friend in baseball,