Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
I hope you have been doing well during the Baseball Apocalypse. I have refrained from writing letters to minor league executives during this time because of the fear of furloughs. I would hate to carefully build a relationship with an executive only to discover they have been cast off into the uncertain land of Unemployment Benefits. However, I noticed the Emeralds new COVID-19 apparel today, and I felt motivated to compliment whatever genius came up with the execution of those shirts. So congratulations, the Eugene Emeralds have earned the honor of receiving the first Bads85 letter in the MiLB Season That Never Was. That certainly will look good on your staff’s resumes, and you can inform [Ryan Moore; General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] that I wrote you first, which is probably the greatest award. SHOTS!
This was about the time I was scheduled to roll into Eugene and toss out that first pitch at PK Park and give the interviews that your rabid masses of fans were clamoring for. My schedule these days is pretty packed, what with saving the world and all, but I could probably squeeze in a Zoom interview your your media peeps if they are still employed. I would even wear one of the three Emeralds’ shirts I just purchased. The MiLB hat I would wear would go to the highest bidder though because Bads85’s COVID-10 Liquor fund is not replenishing itself.
Speaking of shirts, you might want to think of offering some of those in a XXXL because this quarantine stuff has been hell on people’s waistlines. You might also want to print some “Nationwide Insurance is not on MilB’s Side!” shirts also. Put a put a picture of their CEO, Kirt Walker, on a donkey’s ass, and have Sluggo about to deliver a swift kick to that ass. It will be the gift that keeps giving.
Hey, did you know that Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] was over my house a few weeks ago with Bernie, the 66ers lovable mascot, to deliver graduation cheer to my daughter? I did not offer Joe or Bernie any liquor because they were on the job, plus I did not want to have to drag a drunk mascot out of my pool. While Bernie is the heartthrob of the Cal League mascots, he really is not a good drunk because repressed memories begin floating to the surface with each Dark and Stormy. The dude murdered his predecessor in cold blood atop a dugout one Thirsty Thursday some years ago. The 66ers have tried to whitewash Bernie’s history, but I was there, and I remember.
While your organization be selling any facemarks soon? People would certainly step aside in the ice cream aisle at the grocery store if I had a Sasquatch facemask. They would also help when my crew knocks over a few banks to have funds to give to the unfortunate minor league teams facing contraction. A band of ruggedly handsome outlaws in Southern California wearing your brand would give your organization some national attention. I bet Netflix would even make a documentary out of it. I am sure the soundtrack will be killer. There will not be a dry eye across America, even in David Elmore’s house. Remember, during COVID-19, our real friends were the masks we wore along the way.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Which is the best teen coming of age movie that holds up now?
- The Breakfast Club
- Fast Times at Ridgemont High
- Ferris Bueller’s Day Off