I Look to the ‘Peckers

Dear Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing & Communications; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

Hello, old friend! I hope you have been well. It has been a while since we communicated, but Facebook told me not so long ago was the anniversary of my crew’s trip to Segra Stadium where we made your bartender in AEVEX Aerospace Lounge work, work, work. The stories are still being told about that night. I did find out recently that one of my buddies really thought his nachos were subpar, but did not tell me because the thought I would make a scene. However, I am not here to talk about the past, but to look to the future.

It seems some of the characters of last season’s narrative have moved on as Austin J. Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] is chasing corporate sponsorships for the Minnesota Twins while Mark Zarthar is selling hockey sticks or something. And just like that, they were gone from our lives as it is the way of the minor leagues. At least they are not working in retail.

I did see that the Woodpeckers were one of the top organizations in terms of selling merchandise. I was a big part of that as I spent a small fortune in your teams store, but I must say I look smashing in that gear, so it was money well spent. However, due to the Astros’ cheating scandal, I really cannot wear the gear outside of the house without the fear of being pummeled by angry mobs wanting to bestow vengeance, which sharply deflates the ‘Pecker Pride. I would inquire to a retroactive discount, but I am a giver.

I still hold ties to the Carolina League these days as I have sort of become the unofficial advisor for the Myrtle Beach Pelicans. I was instrumental in helping Ryan Moore [General Manager] overcoming his grief in being denied yet another Golden Bobblehead, and I have become Hunter Horenstein’s [Director of Fan Engagement] mentor/life advisor, sort of like Obi-wan and Anikan. We are so tight they want to put a brick with my name on it in their stadium for a small price that we are still negotiating. I almost had convinced Hunter to carjack the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile in the early stages of COVID, but the specter of prison looms a bit larger in a pandemic. Currently, I am trying to get them to rebrand to the Myrtle Beach Horned Grebes, one of nature’s most most monogamous birds.

I see Fayetteville is getting its first Sheetz. As a minor league road warrior, I can tell you that is life changer. You probably do not realize how many flavors of Bugles there are out there, but they should all be on the Sheetz’ shelves (I hope that is the proper possessive of Sheetz). Same with Pringles.

Since Austin and Mark have flown the coop (see the bird connection there?), have you heard who is going to fill the void. I was thinking about throwing my hat in the ring and applying for Austin’s previous position, but I am not sure if upper management thinks I am vice president material, plus they never were really behind the “Fear the Wood! Respect the Peckers!” slogan. Still, as you know I would be a valuable asset to the ‘Peckers going forward, plus Ryan and Hunter would shit their pants if I worked for the competition.

I am sure you have seen the cutouts of fans populating Major League parks? Why not open that up to Segra Stadium? Charge fans a much smaller fee to have their cutouts, and then have someone walk through the stands each day for live updates on the internet. This will certainly help your brand endure in these trying times. Bunker can pose by the cutouts, and fans will repost their image on social media. Suddenly, the ‘Peckers will be spreading like wildfire. I am sure there is a good graphic design establishment in town that could to this cheap. Maybe you could get a crew to launch hot dogs and t-shirts ate the cutouts. Keep them up through the holidays and string some lights on them. Maybe put some gifts at the cutouts’ feet. Ho Ho Ho! It is a ‘Pecker Christmas!

Anyway, I must run as it is cocktail hour, and MLB.tv is calling. Stay in touch, and remember a cutout of Bads85 behind home plate brings life to a stadium.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: Do you know who has been suspiciously quiet during the pandemic? Mimes.

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