Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
It seems we are both relegated to home duty these days, with myself doing something meaningless like designing online curriculum for a bloated school district that had been shuttered, and you having the indispensable job of protecting the Pelican’s brand. It does not look like I will get out to Myrtle Beach this summer for a game and a few rounds of shots with your front office crew. I was hoping for a pre game on the field catch with you, but it looks like that is going to have to wait. I must say, that promotion sounds a little risky. Suppose some guy just hauls off and drills the mascot. Because I would. You would too if you were not an employee. You and I are just out on the field tossing the ball and waving to our throngs of fans, and then WHAM! Splash gets it. Oh, how we would laugh.
I want you to know I would not have missed Runner Up Night for anything. I must commend your organization’s ability to poke fun at itself for having seventeen Golden Bobblehead nominations and zero wins. Allow me to share a couple of secrets with you. Number one, the Golden Bobbleheads are fixed. They are not true measures of the quality of a promotion, and are usually awarded as token appreciations for whatever ever dirty deals went behind closed doors months before (except the year the IE 66ers won for the original Zombie Apocalypse Night; that was legit as those maniacs imploded a police car to start the night). I would tell you not to even worry about consistently losing out to inferior promotions, but secret number two is a Ricky Bobby gem: “If you are not first, you are last!” Perhaps when the season finally starts in 2021, you can play the clip of this during this promotion.
Hey, now that you are not working from the office, perhaps you can respond via email instead of that secret eye blinking in your promotional videos. I must admit I did not understand you last two messages — something about tainted burritos on someone’s desk, an evicted stripper, and bail bonds. Maybe we can even Zoom because after two days of working with that program, I feel I am a certified expert. If you do decide to liberate the Oscar Mayer Weienermobile to drive it to San Manuel Stadium, Zoom would be an excellent communication tool.
By the way, you might have inadvertently saved Thirsty Thursday with your Foam Party promotion. If soap neutralizes the coronavirus, why aren’t we having foam parties? Because no one has been thinking of social solutions, that is why. As the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador, I can confidently say that baseball does not need to be played on Thirsty Thursday. Parks across the land can schedule Thursday Thursday in conjunction with foam parties, and suddenly America has a social event to look forward to every week. Once I get approval from the California Board of Health, I am buying truckloads of Foam Daddy Stacker Cannons to lease to minor league clubs. I will make sure you get due credit — I can see minor league organizations erecting statues of your likeness in concourses of their stadiums as a tribute to the man who brought society back from the edge of the abyss, so you have that going for you. At the very least, it will look really good on your resume’ for when you fell the time has come to leave the Pelicans because of lack of promotion opportunities.
Hey, I just saw your Back the Birds promotion, which is a novel way to generate some revenue flow while keeping the fans involved. In all sincerity, this is a brilliant idea. I must ask, what is the letter limit on the wall and the brick in Robert Grissom’s Square? Let’s say I spend $250 on a Tier Three package? Would “Bads85: Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the California League and Beyond” fit on a brick? Perhaps I should go with a large “BADS85” so Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] and you can see it clearly every single day you come to work. I see that also comes with an opportunity to throw out the first pitch. It would mean a great deal to me if you could be the catcher when that happens.
Oh, what color are the bricks?
Your friend in baseball,