Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
This is a a serious missive — well, it is starting out that way but you know, the scorpion and the frog. I will certainly purchase enough Splash Cash to have a brick with my name on it as part of the Back the Birds promotion once the world settles down a bit. The reasons are that you guys are a top notch organization who do excellent things with your community outreach programs, plus the execution of your promotions is what every minor league team should aspire to. I am correct in believing this small donation goes towards your Community Fund, not Hunter Horenstein’s post graduate fund, right? Plus, you guys have been good sports with my letters — I think. There might be a doll with a 66ers jersey with push pins all over it somewhere in your offices.
I will come clean — I came into your organization’s inboxes because a certain Carolina team that will go unnamed suggested I write to your organization for shits and giggles. There is a very good chance that volumes of alcohol were involved in this conversation, and the Carolina Mudcats were the team to whom I was supposed to write, but details remain hazy and much time has passed. The Eugene Emeralds, with Allan [General Manager] at the helm, took great relish in the initial missive, and it just sort of snowballed from there. These days, Allan seems to be dealing with a growing discipline problem in his front office with people putting cereal in the microwave and what not. They sure do seem to glean pleasure from poking fun at your organization though, all good, clean fun with them being in your affiliate family, but I bet your front office would like a little bit of pushback, especially since they giggled from afar at my missives.
This is why I am not only offering to Back the Birds through purchasing Splash Cash, but also offering assistance in whatever you need in maintaining your rightful pecking order in the affiliate ladder. I am sure your staff is more than capable of handling on its own, but I do say it would be quite the front office coup if suddenly the Myrtle Beach Pelicans were allied with the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of the California League and Beyond. It certainly would shape up the Carolina League as the ‘Peckers, Wood Ducks, and Beer Mongers would take note.
But first we must negotiate this brick engraving. According to the terms on your website, a first pitch experiences comes with the purchase. That is almost as exciting as having my name forever etched in Robert Grissom Square. I a sure you have heard I threw out a first pitch at Historic Grainger Stadium last season upon Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads}’ personal request. Not many people know this, but I sort of botched the throw, even receiving a single boo from the single fan in the grandstand that was not a blood relation, mainly because I was not properly warned up because my turncoat children failed to pack the mitts for our trip.
I hope you can accommodate a warm up period for me, say during a Pre Game Catch promotion. I promise I will refrain from drilling your mascot (if i could refrain from drilling the children’s book monster DEWD, I can refrain from hitting the lovable Splash). There is the matter of adjusting from throwing from the mound, but I do not wish to impose upon your organization the request of entering the stadium before the games open to toss a few balls from the mound — unless we were going to start slamming snakebites hours before the first pitch like true minor league executives do. I will even show you my Thirsty Thursday Ambassador Business Card if that happens.
Also, I know this is certainly not normal, but I think I should get some walk up music for this monumental event. I will ponder the proper song, and get back to you. Allan Benavides has invited me to travel to PK Stadium this summer to throw out a first pitch and a pre-game interview, but you guys are probably too busy for that, being a full season team in a large stadium, a stadium with actual grass, but if Hunter wanted to interview me, I would make myself accessible.
Are the Splash Bucks considered legal tender at local bars near the stadium? If the season ever starts this year, it is going to be hard for me to get to Myrtle Beach this year because of my previous commitments with Cal League All Star game in Stockton, so could I donate my Splash Bucks to an amiable wino so he can have a good bender. The alternative would be to trust that you give the Splash Bucks to a needy family so they could have a great time at a game. Yes, that is not as exciting as WINO BENDER, but sometimes the right choice is not the most exciting one. I would definitely make it out to TicketReturncom Field in 2021. I would hope you could send me a picture of my brick do I can flaunt it to other minor league front offices for beer discounts.
Speaking of which, perhaps after this transaction is complete, we change the narrative around the business,and say this is an honorary brick in recognition of my services to the minor leagues as a Thirsty Thursday Ambassador. I mean, that would surely make the Emeralds’ eyes bug out of their hippy heads, plus Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] would be much more likely to allow me to use one of the unused luxury suites at San Manuel Stadium as my office during games.
Anyway, I hope things are not too crazy for your staff during these strange, strange times. Hopefully, this will soon shall pass, and Hunter will be on a dugout soon with a microphone in front of a crowd.
Your friend in baseball,