Dear Mark Beskid [Assistant General Manager, Events & Marketing; Lake Elsinore Storm]:
I have been contemplating punching a mini-season ticket packed for the Storm this year, but when looking through your new promotions schedule, I noticed that your organization has appeared to distance itself from Thirsty Thursdays. It appears there will be only one traditional Thirsty Thursday at your ballpark this season. I must ask, is it wise for an organization that experienced a 17.5% drop in attendance in 2019 to abandon an American fixture like Thirsty Thursdays? I am sure “”Expect the Unexpected Thursday” will not be an utter flop, but do you not think it would be better if it was coupled with Thirsty Thursday? I must admit, as the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador (an honor bestowed upon me by Joe Hudson [General Manager and Two Time Cal League Executive of the Year]), I have a slight bias in this matter, but a minor league baseball season with Thirsty Thursday is like pancakes without maple syrup. I hope this is some sort of oversight.
What is more alarming is that on the first Thursday, your organization is promoting “Midget Wrestling”. I realize that life moves a little slower in Lake Elsinore, but this is the year 2020. “Midget” is not an appropriate word as evidenced by longtime Cleveland sports writer Tony Grossi recently receiving a suspension from his employers for calling Baker Mayfield a “fucking midget” on a live microphone. The Little People of America consider “midget” a slur. Do you really want to have this type of negative publicity, especially at the start of the season?
Have no fear, Mark, for I am a man of solutions. Rather than using a perceived slur in your promotion, title the event “Baker Mayfield Wrestling” as a friendly dig at the struggling quarterback’s tumultuous relationship with Tony Grossi. Imagine the positive national press your organization will receive for the first truly creative promotion of the season. Sure, some hotheads in Cleveland might chirp at you on the internet, but they are never traveling further west than Medina County because of separation anxieties from a past that never was and a future that never will be. Maybe some of your wrestlers can wear Cleveland Browns’ jerseys — good looking old fashioned one, not the trash introduced by Jimmy Haslam.
Of course, this is assuming there is a season at all because of the COVID-19 virus. Has your merchandising team made any contingency plans if the season is shut down? If I were you, I would put in an order for a truckload of T-shits that read, “COVID-19 Shut Down the Cal League, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!” Maybe your organization can have jigsaw puzzles of your beloved mascot, Thunder, frolicking in different parts of the stadium so people have something to do if they cannot go to the games. Or maybe you should just sacrifice Thunder to appease baseball gods and make the virus go away. Once things return to normal, your organization can have a touching memorial in Thunder’s honor as a grateful and packed stadium cheers.
First though, I would think of rectifying the Thirsty Thursday situation as the baseball gods cannot be pleased about that at all. Take care of the Baker Mayfield wrestling thing also before your organization starts to take a beating on social media. You probably should lower beer prices at The Diamond to appease the angry, surging masses. Cutting beer prices makes things better. Always.
Your friend in baseball,