Dear Kirt Walker [CEO; Nationwide Insurance]:
It is unfortunate that we are meeting in such dire circumstances, but the company that you supposedly run is in the process of stepping on its dick because of its refusal to honor its claims with Minor League Baseball. Kirt, let me ask you this: what type of chucklefuck organization would try to screw over Minor League Baseball during a pandemic? For God’s sake, man, honor the claim before your organization is looked upon like a coughing, maskless hobo fondling the cucumbers in the produce section at Kroger’s.
It is not too late to do the correct thing: step up to pay the clubs and have a press conference with proper social distancing in which you announce your organization is not only going to honor the claims, but donate boatloads of money to MiLB charities because your company had its head firmly lodged in its sphincter. Peyton and Brad can cut a catchy tune and make another commercial. Perhaps this one can have some homoerotic tension because their most recent commercials have jumped the shark (that is a pop culture term that means “sucked ass”).
You just inked a multiyear sponsorship with Minor League Baseball last December, and now you are shitting all over your partner. This is already on ESPN! The bad publicity is just going to grow if you do not take firm control of the reigns. Do you think anyone is going to trust their insurance needs to a company that would defecate on grassroots baseball in troubling times? I would like to believe you are smarter than that, Kirt, but this entire mess is not instilling very much confidence. In fact, I am very happy my college bound daughter declined to attend American University this upcoming fall because any institution that would award a Masters of Science to a callous CEO like yourself is probably mass producing heartless automatons who goose-step to the ringing of cash registers. I know goddamn well that your face will not be welcome on Iowa State’s campus if your organization continues down this fraudulent path.
If you cheat these minor league baseball organizations, real people are going to lose jobs. These are not some numbers on an actuarial table; they are hard working people with a passion for an industry that bring immense joy to millions of people. Your company appears to be content hurting those people to save some chump change in the big world of insurance. What are you paying Peyton and Brad? Almost certainly more than would it would take to ensure the Eugene Emeralds remain solvent.
You are probably wondering just who is this articulate and devilishly handsome man that is offering me this RIGHTEOUS THUNDER that will certainly prevent me from further damaging my company’s now teetering reputation. Well, I am Bads85, the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador, and a smoke jumper in the Devil’s arcade. I am also the President of the Southern California Down East Wood Ducks Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter. I am kind of a big deal on the minor league circuits, a wizened traveler with copious amounts of oral tradition to share. Or as the lads from Audioslave once said, “I am not your rolling wheels; I am the highway.”
Tonight, I am also you road to salvation, Kirt. You see, an irreproachable fury has been unleashed to combat your company’s carelessness, something with a force that has not been seen since Kurt Russell decided to run Curly Bill Brocius’s gang into early graves in Tombstone. Johnny Ringo is about to take his final fall. Do you want Nationwide to rest beside him? Even if by some travesty of justice your lawyers triumphed, your company will be forever known as the organization that refused to help Minor League Baseball in its darkest hour. If Nationwide is going to weasel out of its its responsibility with MiLB during a pandemic, what is going to do when drunk Uncle Kenneth falls asleep at the wheel pulling into his garage and puts the Infinity into the bathroom? Not even the desperate and the deranged will want coverage with the company that turned a cold shoulder to Amarillo Sod Poodles. What type of company tries to cross a Sod Poodle, Kirt? What are Peyton and Brad going to think when they found out you tried to screw the pooch?
You have probably been blindsided with the prowess of the legal teams these MiLB teams have amassed. These guys have deep pockets and steely resolve. Hell, they made the goons at Major League Baseball blink before the pandemic. One of the owners you crossed is a legal international arms dealer. Imagine the political clout that guy has. Trust me when I say nothing good can come from tangling with these guys. Settle now and work on rebuilding those bridges.
I am confident you will make the right decision not just because of shit you will have to eat if you continue down the wrong path. We have even discussed the fan protests that will certainly ensue if just I want to believe you are a decent man who temporary lost sight of what is right. It happens to many people in rough times — not me of course because I am spiritually wealthy. Just like Ebenezer Scrooge, you have been given a second chance. Do not run over Tiny Tim.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: When unloading the dishwasher, do the clean dishes go on top of dishes already in the cupboard, or underneath?