Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
I apologize for not checking in with your during these troubled times. I was going to shut down the entire letter thing until baseball came back, but that looks like it is going to be forever and a day before that happens. I mean, it seems like a lifetime ago that we were talking about Foam Parties, and now here we are, on the weekend of what should have been the Pelicans’ big opening home stand, including first Thirsty Thursday, just staring out the window like in was late December. Instead of being at the ballpark with fellow baseball pilgrims, the Southern California Carolina League Bakers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter was relegated to drinking beer together on Zoom while watching 2019 replays on MilBtv.
I will tell you this: we watched the Pelicans’ 2019 Home Opener on Opening Night. We were playing a drinking game in which we had to have a shot every time you came on the screen. We had to wait until the 25:50.03 mark before our first shot, and let me tell you, the minutes felt like hours. Imagine our bitter disappointment when we saw the first between inning promo, and someone named Liz Callaway was on the mic, not you. We stuck around for two more shots (the last one at the 51:20:14 mark), but grew bored and switched to the Inland Empire 66ers’ California Burrito game, which I was a large part of since I was a Celebrity Burrito Judge that night.
Anyway, on Friday we watched the season finale at TicketReturn.com Park, and once again, there was that Liz Callaway on the mic instead of you. Our displeasure was immense, but we are men of solutions, so we did not wallow in our displeasure, but instead modified our drinking game. Every time you come on the screen, we cheer wildly and have a shot of Fireball. Every time Liz Callaway comes on the screen we boo, hiss, throw plush toys at the screen, and have a pull of a White Claw. I am sure Liz is a fine person, and we are not really showing angst towards her, but the absence of you.
We do have a favor to ask of you to help us in our drinking game. It is sort of a pain in the ass to fast forward the stream on MilBtv. without missing certain action. Let’s face it, my friend, some of those local advertisement are truly nerve grating. We understand that is no fault of the Pelicans, but we cannot sit through those. We were wondering if you could sort through the archives and find the moments when you are one the screen, especially when you are doing your Knocker Ball calls. That would greatly expedite our drinking experience.
Hey, did Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] tell you he reached out to me about buying enough Splash Bucks to get a brick? I would have already sent your organization the cash, but there is this soft serve ice cream machine on Amazon that keeps calling my name, which would be a wonderful addition to the bar in my backyard, especially if I am stuck here all summer. Plus, there is this entire “Will the Pelicans still be solvent if there are no games this summer?” I know, I know — sending the Pelicans the money would help them remain afloat, yada, yada, yada, so hopefully I will get around to it this week. You do have to understand this ice cream machine is an industrial model, not some lame ass thing that Bed Bath and Beyond would sell.
I have now watched three Pelicans’ games, so I pretty much have a feel of your stadium because I am a sponge who absorbs images in front of me, except for a few blindspots of the camera. I do have some comments and suggestions:
- Your Blindfold Jump Roping promotion would be even more exciting if people were throwing beach balls at the participant. Or hand grenades.
- Your Wipeout Batter is similar to the 66ers’ Beer Batter, in which fans receive greatly discounted beers if the Beer Batter whiffs. Your fans receive a water park pass, which is swell and all, but why not both?
3. When I finally make it to your stadium to throw out the first pitch, can I run through the Club Cannons?
4. Is Fireball served at the Tito’s Beach Party? At the Clark Addison Grille?
5. Have you ever played Knockerball atop the dugouts?
I saw Ryan was quoted in the Wall Street Journal this week in an article that stated the average minor league employee salary was $61,000. You might ask him where the author came up with the figure. In the meantime, keep trying to rope those tornados. That is what promotions all about, right? Capturing the magic and fury of perfect moment and riding it out. Ol’ Ryan sits in the office, trying to keep things simple, but not guys like you and I. Put the mic in our hands, our lassos twirl. Let the others keep the temple from burning because the roar of the crowd is calling.
Your friend in baseball,